I'm back. Wrote a 50,000 word novel in November; still haven't finished it. Regardless, Nanowrimo.org says I'm a WINNER. :)
I'm feeling bad for my husband right now- He's had a horrible week of person after person sucking the life out of him, and one of them was loaded for bear. It's hard to have the love we're supposed to when people are attacking your family.
Ok, so... here's my question: How much of a pastor's life experiences/sermon illustrations belong to him?
Specifically: a woman who doesn't go to our church wrote me a very nasty (and uninformed) letter criticizing a recent trip I took to New York, calling me worldly, etc... I journaled my trip on Facebook and apparently it got under her skin. She attacked out of the blue. For the Full Monty, read the previous post. :)
My husband had just started a series on "Difficult People" and the final week was on the "overly critical person". Four weeks after it occurred, he mentioned this letter I got as an example of when it was right to answer a mis-informed person's criticism. He did not mention any names and I hadn't told anyone about the letter she sent me. The only people who knew about it were me, my husband, and this woman.
Her sister attends our church (the letter writer does not and is a "friend" of the family), but we had no idea that she knew about the letter; in fact, I had a couple of conversations with her sister asking me all about my trip and excited to hear about it. Because of these conversations, I assumed she knew nothing.
So hubby mentions that I get this letter of criticism, reads a couple of lines from it and said that I answered her concerns because she didn't have the correct info (the trip was a gift; I wasn't out spending extravagantly, etc... not that it's any of her business). Apparently, her sister DID know about the letter and this family is angry that hubby used the letter as an example, even though he gave away no identifying info whatsoever.
Here's what I think, but I may be too close to the situation to see clearly.
The moment she sent me that letter (via Facebook, no less)it became my property. The letter was greatly upsetting to me and I shared it with my husband. A month later, a life experience of ours (this lovely letter) happened to fit perfectly as an illustration into a message series that had been planned since January.
Hubby shared it in a way in which no one was implicated, and it was ok to do so because the writer didn't even attend our church. Had his sharing been with the intent to cause a stir or make her look bad, he could have made it clear who wrote the letter. That was never the intent.
I honestly don't think we/hubby did anything wrong- or anything that would displease God. We've prayed about this and asked the Holy Spirit to convict us if we needed to apologize for anything... and so far, a couple of weeks later, neither of us do. But, wonderful man that he is, hubby is still going to contact the family and try to make things right.
I also believe that had I not been a "Pastor's Wife" (insert angels singing in the background here) I would have never received a letter like this in the first place. It would have been ok to take an expensive trip, blow enormous amounts of money, journal it on Facebook, and brag to all my friends about it.
Thoughts? I'd be interested to know your honest opinion...
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Vacation Week: Temporary Sanity Regained
Had a great week in New York with a girlfriend. I loved it and now am considering adding it to my list of places to run away to. We flew in Monday morning and came back home Friday night. It was wonderful- a week away without church stress (almost).
I say almost because I got a nasty-gram on Friday morning via Facebook. I had a 15-minute time span where I let it ruin my trip, and then I decided that I wasn't going to do that. That this stupid person wasn't going to take this week away from me. As a preface, all through the week I journaled our activities on Facebook. Lots of friends and family were following. I posted tons of pics and comments, and got a lot of comments back. It was all lighthearted and humorous- a look at NYC through my eyes, chronicling our trip to the Empire State Building, The Statue of Liberty, our dining experiences, window shopping at Tiffany's, and a Broadway Play. Then the following appeared in my message in-box on Friday morning:
Dear A: Just a thought here. Would like to let you know why I am removing you as a friend on FB. The posts about your lavish spending and extravagant outings, is leaving a gross taste in my mouth. Personally, I don't need to know about every detail about your jaunt to NY. What was probably most disturbing was your comment about sweet baby Jesus in regard to a cheesecake you were eyeing. I feel that the message you are portraying is that it is OK to have an appetite for worldly pleasures. Please consider my opinion as a former youth group student of yours.
Respectfully, M.
I was stunned, hurt and upset. I would just like to point out that had I ANY profession other than a pastor's wife, I would never have received this criticism. Life in the fishbowl. Journaling on FB like I did is something I would have done whether I was a pw or not. The only thing I can see as a fair criticism was that I quoted a line from a Will Ferrell movie and used the term "sweet baby Jesus in a manger" after tasting the most incredible piece of cheesecake I'd ever had. I wasn't swearing (it was an over-exaggerated "awesome!")- merely comparing two wonderful (albeit inequal) things. So, though I don't agree with her assessment on that point, I can see her side. I should probably be more careful about what I throw out there. But the rest... not so much.
So here's how I replied: Thanks for your thoughts, M- I'm really sorry that anything I said offended you. As for the lavish spending, the friend that brought me to New York has paid for everything- hotel, food, and airfare as a gift because god has blessed her financially. So the "lavish spending and extravagant outings" are certainly not as they appear to you. Sometimes god blesses us by putting people in our lives who can bless us. And that's what my friend Brenda has done for me- blessing me with a once in a lifetime trip that I could have never afforded in a hundred years. As for the frequent postings, it's my way of journaling the trip on the go. Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm not boasting- just sharing my joy and excitement with friends and family who are following and happy that I've been given this opportunity. It's not a sin to have fun and enjoy and remember things- or to share them with others- especially those who are interested. I will admit that your judgemental assumptions are hurtful. I'm not going to get into a back-and-forth exchange on this subject, so thanks for sharing your thoughts and I feel that I've said all I want to say as well. Sincerely, A.
I wanted to drop a little Matthew 7:1 on her... but I decided not to preach and to rise above.
I felt better after I sent my reply... but the whole situation just sucks. As strongly as I feel that I've done nothing wrong, this reinforces to me that everything we in the ministry do and say is watched. Some are watching out of admiration; some are watching and waiting for us to trip up. Should I have not journaled on FB? I don't think God wants me to change who I am- and that was (and is) who I am; I share the good things in my life. This whole thing makes me angry, but again, I'm getting better and better at letting things roll off my back. It just stinks that that's part of my job description.
I say almost because I got a nasty-gram on Friday morning via Facebook. I had a 15-minute time span where I let it ruin my trip, and then I decided that I wasn't going to do that. That this stupid person wasn't going to take this week away from me. As a preface, all through the week I journaled our activities on Facebook. Lots of friends and family were following. I posted tons of pics and comments, and got a lot of comments back. It was all lighthearted and humorous- a look at NYC through my eyes, chronicling our trip to the Empire State Building, The Statue of Liberty, our dining experiences, window shopping at Tiffany's, and a Broadway Play. Then the following appeared in my message in-box on Friday morning:
Dear A: Just a thought here. Would like to let you know why I am removing you as a friend on FB. The posts about your lavish spending and extravagant outings, is leaving a gross taste in my mouth. Personally, I don't need to know about every detail about your jaunt to NY. What was probably most disturbing was your comment about sweet baby Jesus in regard to a cheesecake you were eyeing. I feel that the message you are portraying is that it is OK to have an appetite for worldly pleasures. Please consider my opinion as a former youth group student of yours.
Respectfully, M.
I was stunned, hurt and upset. I would just like to point out that had I ANY profession other than a pastor's wife, I would never have received this criticism. Life in the fishbowl. Journaling on FB like I did is something I would have done whether I was a pw or not. The only thing I can see as a fair criticism was that I quoted a line from a Will Ferrell movie and used the term "sweet baby Jesus in a manger" after tasting the most incredible piece of cheesecake I'd ever had. I wasn't swearing (it was an over-exaggerated "awesome!")- merely comparing two wonderful (albeit inequal) things. So, though I don't agree with her assessment on that point, I can see her side. I should probably be more careful about what I throw out there. But the rest... not so much.
So here's how I replied: Thanks for your thoughts, M- I'm really sorry that anything I said offended you. As for the lavish spending, the friend that brought me to New York has paid for everything- hotel, food, and airfare as a gift because god has blessed her financially. So the "lavish spending and extravagant outings" are certainly not as they appear to you. Sometimes god blesses us by putting people in our lives who can bless us. And that's what my friend Brenda has done for me- blessing me with a once in a lifetime trip that I could have never afforded in a hundred years. As for the frequent postings, it's my way of journaling the trip on the go. Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm not boasting- just sharing my joy and excitement with friends and family who are following and happy that I've been given this opportunity. It's not a sin to have fun and enjoy and remember things- or to share them with others- especially those who are interested. I will admit that your judgemental assumptions are hurtful. I'm not going to get into a back-and-forth exchange on this subject, so thanks for sharing your thoughts and I feel that I've said all I want to say as well. Sincerely, A.
I wanted to drop a little Matthew 7:1 on her... but I decided not to preach and to rise above.
I felt better after I sent my reply... but the whole situation just sucks. As strongly as I feel that I've done nothing wrong, this reinforces to me that everything we in the ministry do and say is watched. Some are watching out of admiration; some are watching and waiting for us to trip up. Should I have not journaled on FB? I don't think God wants me to change who I am- and that was (and is) who I am; I share the good things in my life. This whole thing makes me angry, but again, I'm getting better and better at letting things roll off my back. It just stinks that that's part of my job description.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
My wit's end...
I just felt my blood pressure rise about 100 points. I am so stressed with my job- which has amounted to managing the money at the church along with the other secretarial duties. Coming into a building project has blown the financial end of things into major proportions for me- and amplified how un-qualified I feel for this position.
We're at that office on a Saturday night putting together a presentation for our 5th anniversary since we launched and going over figures and tracing donations, etc...I really don't feel like I can take much more of this. I have a headache, my heart is hammering- this sucks. And I suck at it.
I have James 1:5 tacked to my bulletin board over my desk: "God is always ready to give us abundant wisdom when we ask for the right reasons." I don't know a right-er reason than this... finances have never been my forte... and I'm scared to death I'm going to screw something up.
Jesus, please either make me smarter, or rescue me from these numbers- I don't care which you do, but I can't go on like this. I am begging for rescue. I hate my job but we desperately need my salary. Please help me.
We're at that office on a Saturday night putting together a presentation for our 5th anniversary since we launched and going over figures and tracing donations, etc...I really don't feel like I can take much more of this. I have a headache, my heart is hammering- this sucks. And I suck at it.
I have James 1:5 tacked to my bulletin board over my desk: "God is always ready to give us abundant wisdom when we ask for the right reasons." I don't know a right-er reason than this... finances have never been my forte... and I'm scared to death I'm going to screw something up.
Jesus, please either make me smarter, or rescue me from these numbers- I don't care which you do, but I can't go on like this. I am begging for rescue. I hate my job but we desperately need my salary. Please help me.
Friday, September 24, 2010
My head is spinning...
I've admitted it before- I am a "fixer". And I don't know whether something I did is me circumventing God and trying to "fix" something myself, or if it's a step of faith he's leading me in. How do you tell the difference? For me, I have decided to just do it and pray for God to open and close doors.
I'm talking about getting a different job- I filled out an application at Children's Hospital online at 1am last night- and yes, it was stress-induced. There are a couple of issues that led to this reach for another position.
First of all, I've been thinking about it. Handling the money here at our church stresses me out to the max. It has been a rough summer financially with lots of money outgoing. About 33K on a mission trip, 12K on our summer outreach, and recently, about 2K on different kid's curriculum. We've had trouble making payroll more than once. People are excited about the building fund and giving to that- which is amazing... but our general (operating) fund has been running frighteningly close to empty. I hate knowing who gives and who doesn't. Which elders and other leaders most likely aren't tithing, and things like that. I'm tired of knowing everything about everyone. All their dirty laundry... I'm tired of not being protected from knowing everything my husband has to deal with. We are now, in the midst of trying to recover from a rough summer, trying to put together financials for a building project. More Stress. I am not an accountant. I had panic attacks during the 5th grade when we had to take timed multiplication tests. Seriously. And I've mentioned before that I think I might be a better, more caring PW if I wasn't involved in the day-to-day running of the church and all the stress that goes with it. I could just support my husband and find my own ministry.
So, I've kind of had my eye out for a different job. One I could go and do... and then come home without bringing it with me. Currently I work with my husband forty-plus hours a week, and most of the time at home our thoughts and discussions are church related. How can we not bring it home with us when there are elder meetings, health team meetings, leadership team meetings, women's ministry meetings, bible studies, prayer requests, counseling requests, complaints, suggestions... and so on and so forth. Our house is constantly "open" to whoever needs us because there are only four staff members, and one of them lives too far out to handle emergencies. The other is our youth pastor who takes care of all the youth and children's stuff... leaving my husband and me with about 350 adults to tend. So, that was issue number one: I've already been thinking about it.
Issue number two is our youth pastor and his young family. He's been with us a couple of years now, and they have since had a baby. His parents helped them buy a forclosure home when they moved out here and they are not living out of their price range. But they aren't getting paid enough- like- really. My husband knows it, the elders know it, and they've been trying really hard to make it-without complaining. But I think they're reaching the point where they can't do it anymore. He's had the 2% increase yearly, but with a complicated birth and high hospital bills and several other issues...they are really struggling. He recently gave his home budget to my husband (who took it to the elder's mtg. last night) to show him how they spend their money, show that they weren't wasting it, and show their monthly shortfall, which is over 1K a month. I feel so bad for them. Granted, neither my husband or I have accepted a raise since this church launched... but we are making it, though things are tight. I'm afraid we are going to lose them. They are such a good fit here, the chemistry is great, everyone loves them... and I know he's already been approached once by another church and has turned it down because he wants to stay here.
My husband went to the elders meeting, shared all the needs, including a raise for the YP, talked about the awesome giving for the building fund and all the great things happening with the building project, and then got to the nightmare of our general fund which hasn't recovered from the summer yet. The elder's response: how can we give him a raise when we're struggling to make payroll? This led to a whole other discussion/disagreement with my husband about whether elders should make decisions based on finances or not- and whether they should even see them- I'll discuss that in a different post. Anyway, kick in my desire to fix things. So I'm trolling for jobs online last night because I can't sleep.
I fond one that might work for a variety of reasons- including getting my son to school and back (he goes to a charter school in town and we drive 144 miles a day getting him there and back five days a week). Also, it's in an environment I think I'd like. And it seems like a job I could do and then blissfully go home and leave it there. Honestly, it's probably customer service/data entry kind of stuff. Nothing spectacular, probably a little boring, but after what this past year has been like... I'm totally cool with that. So, sandwiched between my snoring husband in the bed and the snoring dog on the floor... I apply for this job, cover letter, resume and all. Without talking to him about it. Which probably isn't going to go over so well. But my reasoning is: I'm guessing that about 500 other people have applied for this position and I probably won't get a call in the first place... and if they do call, I interview and am offered a job, I can always say NO based on my husband's input. He wants me to stay at the church office, by the way... he LIKES working with me- he just wants me to be able to ditch the financial end of things, thereby (he thinks) ending all my job-related stress. I don't think that's going to fix the stress factor for me.
Are you wondering how I think this is going to "fix" things for our youth pastor and his family? Basically, I think I'm overpaid. I'm a little ashamed to admit it. I'm paid 30K to run the office and do all that I do. They could hire someone who actually has a gift for finances and does all the things I do for 20 to 22K-and then have money in the budget for an increase for our YP. Oh, and I wouldn't have the stress of my job here at the church.
I hit the final "apply for job" button around 1:20am with a prayer that God would open and close the doors that were right for us. And that my husband won't kill me (I'm going to wait for a little while to tell him, I think). And that I'm doing this for the right reasons... that it was God's prompting that I even discovered the job in the first place... or that at the very least it opens my husband's eyes to my desperation. I don't know what's righ. I don't know what God wants for me. I don't even know if I did this with the right motivation. But I'm praying that God can take what I did and reveal what he wants FROM me and FOR me.
What do you think about all of this? My head is spinning and I would appreciate your prayers and your honesty (if anyone has any thoughts). You can even reply privately at justafishinabowl(at)gmail(dot)com. (I don't want any spammers!) :) Blessings to you all.
I'm talking about getting a different job- I filled out an application at Children's Hospital online at 1am last night- and yes, it was stress-induced. There are a couple of issues that led to this reach for another position.
First of all, I've been thinking about it. Handling the money here at our church stresses me out to the max. It has been a rough summer financially with lots of money outgoing. About 33K on a mission trip, 12K on our summer outreach, and recently, about 2K on different kid's curriculum. We've had trouble making payroll more than once. People are excited about the building fund and giving to that- which is amazing... but our general (operating) fund has been running frighteningly close to empty. I hate knowing who gives and who doesn't. Which elders and other leaders most likely aren't tithing, and things like that. I'm tired of knowing everything about everyone. All their dirty laundry... I'm tired of not being protected from knowing everything my husband has to deal with. We are now, in the midst of trying to recover from a rough summer, trying to put together financials for a building project. More Stress. I am not an accountant. I had panic attacks during the 5th grade when we had to take timed multiplication tests. Seriously. And I've mentioned before that I think I might be a better, more caring PW if I wasn't involved in the day-to-day running of the church and all the stress that goes with it. I could just support my husband and find my own ministry.
So, I've kind of had my eye out for a different job. One I could go and do... and then come home without bringing it with me. Currently I work with my husband forty-plus hours a week, and most of the time at home our thoughts and discussions are church related. How can we not bring it home with us when there are elder meetings, health team meetings, leadership team meetings, women's ministry meetings, bible studies, prayer requests, counseling requests, complaints, suggestions... and so on and so forth. Our house is constantly "open" to whoever needs us because there are only four staff members, and one of them lives too far out to handle emergencies. The other is our youth pastor who takes care of all the youth and children's stuff... leaving my husband and me with about 350 adults to tend. So, that was issue number one: I've already been thinking about it.
Issue number two is our youth pastor and his young family. He's been with us a couple of years now, and they have since had a baby. His parents helped them buy a forclosure home when they moved out here and they are not living out of their price range. But they aren't getting paid enough- like- really. My husband knows it, the elders know it, and they've been trying really hard to make it-without complaining. But I think they're reaching the point where they can't do it anymore. He's had the 2% increase yearly, but with a complicated birth and high hospital bills and several other issues...they are really struggling. He recently gave his home budget to my husband (who took it to the elder's mtg. last night) to show him how they spend their money, show that they weren't wasting it, and show their monthly shortfall, which is over 1K a month. I feel so bad for them. Granted, neither my husband or I have accepted a raise since this church launched... but we are making it, though things are tight. I'm afraid we are going to lose them. They are such a good fit here, the chemistry is great, everyone loves them... and I know he's already been approached once by another church and has turned it down because he wants to stay here.
My husband went to the elders meeting, shared all the needs, including a raise for the YP, talked about the awesome giving for the building fund and all the great things happening with the building project, and then got to the nightmare of our general fund which hasn't recovered from the summer yet. The elder's response: how can we give him a raise when we're struggling to make payroll? This led to a whole other discussion/disagreement with my husband about whether elders should make decisions based on finances or not- and whether they should even see them- I'll discuss that in a different post. Anyway, kick in my desire to fix things. So I'm trolling for jobs online last night because I can't sleep.
I fond one that might work for a variety of reasons- including getting my son to school and back (he goes to a charter school in town and we drive 144 miles a day getting him there and back five days a week). Also, it's in an environment I think I'd like. And it seems like a job I could do and then blissfully go home and leave it there. Honestly, it's probably customer service/data entry kind of stuff. Nothing spectacular, probably a little boring, but after what this past year has been like... I'm totally cool with that. So, sandwiched between my snoring husband in the bed and the snoring dog on the floor... I apply for this job, cover letter, resume and all. Without talking to him about it. Which probably isn't going to go over so well. But my reasoning is: I'm guessing that about 500 other people have applied for this position and I probably won't get a call in the first place... and if they do call, I interview and am offered a job, I can always say NO based on my husband's input. He wants me to stay at the church office, by the way... he LIKES working with me- he just wants me to be able to ditch the financial end of things, thereby (he thinks) ending all my job-related stress. I don't think that's going to fix the stress factor for me.
Are you wondering how I think this is going to "fix" things for our youth pastor and his family? Basically, I think I'm overpaid. I'm a little ashamed to admit it. I'm paid 30K to run the office and do all that I do. They could hire someone who actually has a gift for finances and does all the things I do for 20 to 22K-and then have money in the budget for an increase for our YP. Oh, and I wouldn't have the stress of my job here at the church.
I hit the final "apply for job" button around 1:20am with a prayer that God would open and close the doors that were right for us. And that my husband won't kill me (I'm going to wait for a little while to tell him, I think). And that I'm doing this for the right reasons... that it was God's prompting that I even discovered the job in the first place... or that at the very least it opens my husband's eyes to my desperation. I don't know what's righ. I don't know what God wants for me. I don't even know if I did this with the right motivation. But I'm praying that God can take what I did and reveal what he wants FROM me and FOR me.
What do you think about all of this? My head is spinning and I would appreciate your prayers and your honesty (if anyone has any thoughts). You can even reply privately at justafishinabowl(at)gmail(dot)com. (I don't want any spammers!) :) Blessings to you all.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Hubby's first manifesto letter received...
Apparently my husband's message ticked off one of our EGR's (extra grace required) last week. Granted it was someone obsessed with politics who has Aspberger's Syndrome... but he threatened my husband and accused him of "brainwashing" the congregation when he stated that no mater what your feelings about Obama are, you shoud honor the Office of the President, and, whether we like it or not, he is our President. In his message he also stressed that respect is earned and honor is given. This guy fixates on things and right now, he's a Glenn Beck fanatic and Tea Party activist, as far as he is socially able to participate. He's in his mid-late 20's and cannot live without supervision (still lives at home) and isn't allowed to drive, on tons of meds for different disorders.
In a way, it's kind of funny... and my husband in no way feels physically threatened by this guy... but he IS the kind of guy who you could see coming in and shooting up a church and feeling very justified.
Here's some of what he said:
"This is the very first sermon where you actually said something that personally traumatized me with anger and total upset. Even because of how I felt like you were trying to brainwash everybody."
"It really offended me that you pointed out that you believed that all authorities need honor, including parents, no matter what kind you have, including no matter what kind of authorities that we have."
"there is nothing you will say that you will brainwash me into believing this whole honor part and spreading that word. My parents got brainwashed a little bit by it, by the look of it so far, and if it keeps doing so, then you are going to get even bigger trouble coming your way from me."
"I don't want you to ever again preach another sermon about honor like this one you did. I don't want a lot of Conservatives on our side who we know that go there [to our church] brainwashed into any of the idea."
"I don't think the fifth commandment is literal. As all of us being Christian Conservatives who agrees on all of the Founding stuff, you were out of line to say that we should honor this president, because the truth is that our current one stinks to high Heaven, who is the first anti-American president, and that in many other cases, is the worst one we've had yet. So, that's the last thing I ever want to hear coming from even a preacher."
and finally...
"As for God's love, compared to ours, even though it is infinite to our imagination, we can't grasp how deep God's love is, but I am sure that one of His infinitely measured loves is not what any of us would call "unconditional love". What that means is where ones loves the most unsuccessful trailer park trash God-rebelling people the same way that we do the most strongly middle and high classed and historical God following Christians. Like the ones follow the narrow path the straighest. Like, where we feel like every single good and bad person has to be loved at the equal level. And I don't believe in that at all. Whether or not you do."
So, for me, who has always been a little wary of this guy... it's a little stressful. Even though I know he doesn't have the capability to drive himself to our house and has to ride to church with his parents. It's just unnerving.
My husband is going to speak with his father on the best way to addres this with him (I suggested he forward the letter to the guy's dad)- and then go from there. There were nothing but good comments on Sunday's message and everything he said was Biblical... this is just one crazy person. It's just that sometimes that's all it takes. Praying protection over my husband today. :)
In a way, it's kind of funny... and my husband in no way feels physically threatened by this guy... but he IS the kind of guy who you could see coming in and shooting up a church and feeling very justified.
Here's some of what he said:
"This is the very first sermon where you actually said something that personally traumatized me with anger and total upset. Even because of how I felt like you were trying to brainwash everybody."
"It really offended me that you pointed out that you believed that all authorities need honor, including parents, no matter what kind you have, including no matter what kind of authorities that we have."
"there is nothing you will say that you will brainwash me into believing this whole honor part and spreading that word. My parents got brainwashed a little bit by it, by the look of it so far, and if it keeps doing so, then you are going to get even bigger trouble coming your way from me."
"I don't want you to ever again preach another sermon about honor like this one you did. I don't want a lot of Conservatives on our side who we know that go there [to our church] brainwashed into any of the idea."
"I don't think the fifth commandment is literal. As all of us being Christian Conservatives who agrees on all of the Founding stuff, you were out of line to say that we should honor this president, because the truth is that our current one stinks to high Heaven, who is the first anti-American president, and that in many other cases, is the worst one we've had yet. So, that's the last thing I ever want to hear coming from even a preacher."
and finally...
"As for God's love, compared to ours, even though it is infinite to our imagination, we can't grasp how deep God's love is, but I am sure that one of His infinitely measured loves is not what any of us would call "unconditional love". What that means is where ones loves the most unsuccessful trailer park trash God-rebelling people the same way that we do the most strongly middle and high classed and historical God following Christians. Like the ones follow the narrow path the straighest. Like, where we feel like every single good and bad person has to be loved at the equal level. And I don't believe in that at all. Whether or not you do."
So, for me, who has always been a little wary of this guy... it's a little stressful. Even though I know he doesn't have the capability to drive himself to our house and has to ride to church with his parents. It's just unnerving.
My husband is going to speak with his father on the best way to addres this with him (I suggested he forward the letter to the guy's dad)- and then go from there. There were nothing but good comments on Sunday's message and everything he said was Biblical... this is just one crazy person. It's just that sometimes that's all it takes. Praying protection over my husband today. :)
I need a change...
and a miracle. I'm restless, I know I'm not in the right job. I shouldn't be doing the books at the church; I hate knowing everything I do...who gives, who doesn't... how close we are to making or not making payroll... etc. I feel like if I could step back from the day-to-day runnings of the church I would be a more effective pw. I would care more, be able to be more emotionally available for my husband and the people in our congregation... I would be able to say no every once in a while. I am tired of always having to be "on."
As it stands, I'm constantly stressed. This is where God has me now... but I'm praying for a way out where we can still survive financially. Working somewhere else- somewhere I'd like that would allow me to do my job and go home... preferably with hours compatible to my son's school schedule for driving him back and forth.
I know that's asking a lot and that I'm plain lucky to HAVE a job right now. And I CAN be content where I'm at- I just need to figure out a way to separate the stress of working with my husband 40-plus hours a week, ministering with him on Sundays (and on call 24/7), and knowing all the financial (and other) details of the church...
God help me through this time- show me your will- and if it's to stay where i'm at, please help me accept it. I know you have the best in mind for me...Please help me to believe and live that truth.
As it stands, I'm constantly stressed. This is where God has me now... but I'm praying for a way out where we can still survive financially. Working somewhere else- somewhere I'd like that would allow me to do my job and go home... preferably with hours compatible to my son's school schedule for driving him back and forth.
I know that's asking a lot and that I'm plain lucky to HAVE a job right now. And I CAN be content where I'm at- I just need to figure out a way to separate the stress of working with my husband 40-plus hours a week, ministering with him on Sundays (and on call 24/7), and knowing all the financial (and other) details of the church...
God help me through this time- show me your will- and if it's to stay where i'm at, please help me accept it. I know you have the best in mind for me...Please help me to believe and live that truth.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Did you ever feel...
like you had a book inside of you, but to actually put it on paper would hurt too many people?
i do.
Father, help me to put others first, especially You. <3
i do.
Father, help me to put others first, especially You. <3
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Lost: Compassion
Being super honest here. This is a little embarrassing.
Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.
We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.
Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.
Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.
Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)
No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.
Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?
No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.
Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)
No compassion for God's people.
Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.
I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.
Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.
We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.
Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.
Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.
Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)
No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.
Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?
No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.
Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)
No compassion for God's people.
Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.
I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Dodged a bullet? Nope. Hit by shrapnel.
Wounded but not down for good.
Just got official word. Our son can't come back this semester which is not what we were expecting. He's devastated all over again, but I am brought back to Isaiah 55:9- "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Please pray for our son Hunter- that he'll be willing to listen and learn what God is teaching him during this time.
Pray for sanity in our continually crowded house and inside my head. :) Pray that we all stay on the same team.
Thanks and love you guys.
Just got official word. Our son can't come back this semester which is not what we were expecting. He's devastated all over again, but I am brought back to Isaiah 55:9- "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Please pray for our son Hunter- that he'll be willing to listen and learn what God is teaching him during this time.
Pray for sanity in our continually crowded house and inside my head. :) Pray that we all stay on the same team.
Thanks and love you guys.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Zzzzing! That's the sound of a bullet flying by...
A bullet that it's looking like God allowed us to dodge. After having talked to the school officials today, it looks like my kid is going to get to return to school in the fall... no final, FINAL word yet... but it looks positive. Praying like crazy!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Prayer. You & me. Right Now.
Youth Sunday at our church has come and gone for another year- a great day for our YG and a horrible day for a neighboring church's. Their Youth Pastor was let go- and this is like the 5th in as many years. The poor kids just have time to forge a bond and inevitably between year one and two- he's let go by the pastor.
We now have another batch of hurt, confused kids in town. Our youth pastor knows to expect an influx of hurting kids- which has also been the pattern. The kids were told tonight, out of the blue, that their YP had been fired for "insubordination and innapropriate behavior." The hurting kids that showed up at my house afterwards (my son attends this yg as well, so a whole herd came over) said they are starting to realize that the problem isn't with the youth guys... it's with the senior guy. Kids aren't stupid.
Pray with me for them? There's a history of this particular church refusing to be involved with us and actually not allowing their kids to attend our church at all- they actually have to sign a contract if they're on the youth leadership team that they won't attend any other youth group (we're the only other one in town). We have tried repeatedly to end this spirit of competition with no luck... with shared activities, service projects, etc... Pray that the new guy is someone who will work with us to reach the youth of this area- we need all the help we can get- not a nasty spirit of competition. And pray that God will work in his church and fix whatever the problem is... no matter how high up it is.
On the homefront, my husband and son get home from a ten day mission trip on Tuesday evening- and we have to hit it hard to find out what's going on with my son's school situation... whether we'll be packing him up and shipping him off to Missouri again or looking for a job around here. Please pray that he accepts whatever God's plan is for him and is open to where God leads and doesn't try to force issues on his own. Pray his heart was touched in Bolivia. Pray that THIS was rock bottom and that God has a moldable heart to work with. Pray for wisdom for my husband and I as we try to parent this almost-grown 20-year-old.
Now, how can I pray for YOU? Please let me know!
We now have another batch of hurt, confused kids in town. Our youth pastor knows to expect an influx of hurting kids- which has also been the pattern. The kids were told tonight, out of the blue, that their YP had been fired for "insubordination and innapropriate behavior." The hurting kids that showed up at my house afterwards (my son attends this yg as well, so a whole herd came over) said they are starting to realize that the problem isn't with the youth guys... it's with the senior guy. Kids aren't stupid.
Pray with me for them? There's a history of this particular church refusing to be involved with us and actually not allowing their kids to attend our church at all- they actually have to sign a contract if they're on the youth leadership team that they won't attend any other youth group (we're the only other one in town). We have tried repeatedly to end this spirit of competition with no luck... with shared activities, service projects, etc... Pray that the new guy is someone who will work with us to reach the youth of this area- we need all the help we can get- not a nasty spirit of competition. And pray that God will work in his church and fix whatever the problem is... no matter how high up it is.
On the homefront, my husband and son get home from a ten day mission trip on Tuesday evening- and we have to hit it hard to find out what's going on with my son's school situation... whether we'll be packing him up and shipping him off to Missouri again or looking for a job around here. Please pray that he accepts whatever God's plan is for him and is open to where God leads and doesn't try to force issues on his own. Pray his heart was touched in Bolivia. Pray that THIS was rock bottom and that God has a moldable heart to work with. Pray for wisdom for my husband and I as we try to parent this almost-grown 20-year-old.
Now, how can I pray for YOU? Please let me know!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
A few updates...
1. I never gave my "friend" the letter I wrote. I revised it more and more even after I posted it here... softening it each time... and I ended up not giving it to her at all. I felt in my heart that she was too upset at herself- and i didn't want to make it worse. I'm sure she's heaping on enough guilt for the both of us and who am I to cast the first stone? I'm no better than she is. My husband talked has talked with her several times and she is all but suicidal. I don't want to make it any worse. She's supposed to be going into christian counseling. I did text her and tell her that she needed to be in church- whether it was ours or another one. Not sure if I'm going to contact her again or not- I don't know what God wants me to do. I'm through the anger; I've forgiven her... I simply don't want to be around her. I'm afraid God is going to ask me to walk with her through this... in fact, I'm pretty sure He is. And that makes me a little sick to my stomach. So I'm working up to it.
2. Still no word on whether or not my son can return to school in the fall... I have a feeling it's going to be a down-to-the-wire, last minute decision. He has a professor that has agreed to be his accountability partner and has lobbied on his behalf to the Dean of Students. We did find out that whenever he is able to return, it will be on probation and he will have to submit to on-campus counseling for a year. I feel that even if they don't let him return right away... I'm ok with that now. I want there to be consequences... just not life-ruining ones, if at all possible. I'm counting on God's amazing ability to redeem all things. I know this isn't too big for Him. I go back and forth between being the loving mother wanting to rescue my son from what he's done to being the angry parent who wants to shake him so hard that his brains get knocked back into place. Is there such a thing as "Shaken 20-year-old" Syndrome? I want this lesson burned into the core of his being. Hopefully, I don't kill him in the meantime.
3. My mini-vacation at my mom's house was wonderful... and I'm just beginning another break ordained by God. My husband and oldest son are on a mission trip to Bolivia for the next ten days; my mother-in-law leaves Tuesday for 12 days to go take care of my baby nephew, and my father-in-law leaves Thursday for 10 days to go to Egypt with my nephew on his senior trip. That leaves just me and my 15-year-old, blissfully alone. Ahhhh.... breathing room.
4. I gave a burden to God that I'm working really hard at not taking back. It's so tempting. Please pray for strength for me.
5. This is going to sound really weird and random, but I'm going to write a novel. I found this awesome writer's website: www.nanowrimo.org. This seems really fun to me... and I'm allowed to procrastinate until November! I'm only telling you here because it's my public commitment. As the website says, "National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30." I'm kicking a story around in my head already... and I am going to work on an outline and start on some research soon. I have to research... ah-hem... artificial insemination and all that goes along with it. Intrigued? ;)
6. Out of the blue, our church land was paid off. It completely took us all by surprise- it was the dying wish of an elderly woman (who had never been to our church) who's adult children have attended since our launch. My husband went to sit with her several times before she died and had no idea she was going to do this. God. Is. Amazing. His confirmation continues to whisper in my ear that we are doing what He wants us to do, even though it's scary. I guess if it wasn't scary, it would be something we could've done on our own... and there's no chance of that here.
Blessings on you all~ and thank you for your prayers.
2. Still no word on whether or not my son can return to school in the fall... I have a feeling it's going to be a down-to-the-wire, last minute decision. He has a professor that has agreed to be his accountability partner and has lobbied on his behalf to the Dean of Students. We did find out that whenever he is able to return, it will be on probation and he will have to submit to on-campus counseling for a year. I feel that even if they don't let him return right away... I'm ok with that now. I want there to be consequences... just not life-ruining ones, if at all possible. I'm counting on God's amazing ability to redeem all things. I know this isn't too big for Him. I go back and forth between being the loving mother wanting to rescue my son from what he's done to being the angry parent who wants to shake him so hard that his brains get knocked back into place. Is there such a thing as "Shaken 20-year-old" Syndrome? I want this lesson burned into the core of his being. Hopefully, I don't kill him in the meantime.
3. My mini-vacation at my mom's house was wonderful... and I'm just beginning another break ordained by God. My husband and oldest son are on a mission trip to Bolivia for the next ten days; my mother-in-law leaves Tuesday for 12 days to go take care of my baby nephew, and my father-in-law leaves Thursday for 10 days to go to Egypt with my nephew on his senior trip. That leaves just me and my 15-year-old, blissfully alone. Ahhhh.... breathing room.
4. I gave a burden to God that I'm working really hard at not taking back. It's so tempting. Please pray for strength for me.
5. This is going to sound really weird and random, but I'm going to write a novel. I found this awesome writer's website: www.nanowrimo.org. This seems really fun to me... and I'm allowed to procrastinate until November! I'm only telling you here because it's my public commitment. As the website says, "National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30." I'm kicking a story around in my head already... and I am going to work on an outline and start on some research soon. I have to research... ah-hem... artificial insemination and all that goes along with it. Intrigued? ;)
6. Out of the blue, our church land was paid off. It completely took us all by surprise- it was the dying wish of an elderly woman (who had never been to our church) who's adult children have attended since our launch. My husband went to sit with her several times before she died and had no idea she was going to do this. God. Is. Amazing. His confirmation continues to whisper in my ear that we are doing what He wants us to do, even though it's scary. I guess if it wasn't scary, it would be something we could've done on our own... and there's no chance of that here.
Blessings on you all~ and thank you for your prayers.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
i had to run away for a little while...
I've had enough of ministry, of family, of drama,of phone calls, emails,and messages. Of so many people living with me, making my plans,and bulldozing what I want to do.of trying to help my kid who has probably messed up the ministry he has felt called to since 9th grade.still waiting on the verdict of whether he can return to school in the fall.
So I escaped, for two days, to my parent's house in the mountains. I think I'm going to make a habit of this. Maybe when I get back home I'll be able to breathe again- at least for a few days.
Jesus help me make it through this with your grace and strength. I could use a sense of humor too. Sigh.
So I escaped, for two days, to my parent's house in the mountains. I think I'm going to make a habit of this. Maybe when I get back home I'll be able to breathe again- at least for a few days.
Jesus help me make it through this with your grace and strength. I could use a sense of humor too. Sigh.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The last thirty days, in retrospect, have shown me:
i am weak.
i am strong.
i trust God.
i don't trust God.
nothing else matters when your kid is hurting.
i'm ready to give up.
i'm ready to fight.
how much i need my mom.
how much i need my friends.
how much i love my kid.
how our family can band together.
i'm not over what i thought i was over.
how much more time i should spend in prayer than i currently do.
it hurts when your kids make the same kind of mistakes you did.
grace is unstoppable.
i desperately need someone to share with and my husband just doesn't get it.
i have to write.
god is showing us grace and mercy even when we aren't aware of it.
i am stuck.
i am set free.
you can't kill feelings.
sometimes it's a relief when a friendship ends.
i will probably never be alone in my house without someone else living here.
god has provided my house and i should stop complaining.
mojitos (in the privacy of my own home)as an escape device are not always a wise choice.
oh, and
bathing my 130 pound dog in the bathtub also gives me a bath.
i am strong.
i trust God.
i don't trust God.
nothing else matters when your kid is hurting.
i'm ready to give up.
i'm ready to fight.
how much i need my mom.
how much i need my friends.
how much i love my kid.
how our family can band together.
i'm not over what i thought i was over.
how much more time i should spend in prayer than i currently do.
it hurts when your kids make the same kind of mistakes you did.
grace is unstoppable.
i desperately need someone to share with and my husband just doesn't get it.
i have to write.
god is showing us grace and mercy even when we aren't aware of it.
i am stuck.
i am set free.
you can't kill feelings.
sometimes it's a relief when a friendship ends.
i will probably never be alone in my house without someone else living here.
god has provided my house and i should stop complaining.
mojitos (in the privacy of my own home)as an escape device are not always a wise choice.
oh, and
bathing my 130 pound dog in the bathtub also gives me a bath.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
home...
Today I'm giving thanks for the support of family and God's mercy. We are starting to pick up the pieces of a broken,lucky kid who made a terrible decision. Father, give us wisdom and grace today.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Almost to Wichita...
To meet and drive home with our son. Pray for traveling mercies and a good night's sleep for him.
Please pray for our family-
Satan has attacked our oldest son in a way I was never expecting and I don't know if I can bear it. Our hearts are breaking. He is coming home for the summer and leaving his internship. Please pray for God's grace, wisdom, and peace during this time. Please pray for us.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Letter to a friend (Revision #6)
This is the letter I finally settled on giving to my "friend" that I referred to in the "Betrayal" post. I've been sitting on it for quite a while now, editing and re-editing... watering it down and firing it up... and I finally decided on this EWD (Extremely Watered-Down)version. I tried to be gracious but honest... and there were definitely some things that I needed to say to her. I'm trusting God to say all the things that I wanted to that I held back. What do you think?
Dear ***,
I have a few things that I’m finally ready to say, so please read this and hear my heart.
First of all, I haven’t told anyone about anything, and I won’t. I did ask *** (a mutual friend) to check on you and I told her that things had changed with our friendship, but that’s it. It was out of concern for you; I didn’t want you to feel like you were all alone. I also asked her not to even share this with her husband so that as few people knew as possible. This will not get out at church. My sister and I have decided that our parents will never know- we think their health is too fragile and we wouldn’t want to upset them or embarrass you.
Only my husband, ***, and I know (we didn’t tell the worship pastor). My husband told *** because he’s the youth pastor and it was important that he had the information because you’ve worked with youth. Technically, we could get into a lot of trouble for not reporting this, and I pray it never comes back to bite us. Our justification for not reporting you is that this happened between you and our own nephew, and not a child of a family in the church.
I’ve been worried about the relationships you’ve formed with several of the youth for a long time- and we had even talked about it on several occasions- especially when you and your husband were going through your separation. You’ve had intensely close (and now I know inappropriate, with at least one) bonds that go beyond the appropriate sponsor/youth relationship. There are also remarks you’ve made that have really bothered me, whether to a youth or in front of them… but I don’t even want to get into all of that. It seems to me that you’ve been playing with fire for a long time.
I want to encourage you to pick yourself up and take care of yourself right now for the sake of your kids and yourself. You need to get into some Christian counseling as soon as possible and take some steps to get your life back under control; and be honest about what you’ve done, and figure out what’s going on. You need some accountability in your life and someone that can give you godly advice.
I have to say this next thing, and I’ll say it as kindly as possible: things have changed between us. I can no longer be the person that you hang out with, that holds you accountable, or gives you advice. Honestly, I don’t even want to have a face to face conversation about this. I’ve been too angry and have felt betrayed, but I’m working through it, just like I’m working through my feelings/anger towards my nephew. I forgive you, but please know that things are forever changed.
It is my wish that you never contact my nephews again in any way, and not to respond if they contact you, whether via phone, text, or Facebook. Your contact with my son will be limited. Your respecting these few things will make this much easier for me, and for everyone involved.
I know the last thing you want is to hear me saying what you “need” right now… but ***, you need to be in church, whether it’s here or somewhere else, and I think you know this. You need to be there every time the doors are open seeking God’s face and seeking healing. Your kids need to be in church and your husband needs to understand how important this is if he has them on Sundays. They need to be learning they can rely on God during their tough times and see their parents leading by example.
I want to stress that you are truly welcome at our church; I would never ignore you, and of course I will always be kind and friendly.
I also understand if you choose to make a fresh start somewhere else. It might be a great thing to find a church that has a support group for single moms or some kind of divorce care. A larger church like Calvary Chapel might have some of these programs. Whatever you decide, do take care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I believe you can pull this together and have a happy, healthy life- that’s exactly what God wants for you.
You will be in my prayers and thanks for taking the time to read this.
Dear ***,
I have a few things that I’m finally ready to say, so please read this and hear my heart.
First of all, I haven’t told anyone about anything, and I won’t. I did ask *** (a mutual friend) to check on you and I told her that things had changed with our friendship, but that’s it. It was out of concern for you; I didn’t want you to feel like you were all alone. I also asked her not to even share this with her husband so that as few people knew as possible. This will not get out at church. My sister and I have decided that our parents will never know- we think their health is too fragile and we wouldn’t want to upset them or embarrass you.
Only my husband, ***, and I know (we didn’t tell the worship pastor). My husband told *** because he’s the youth pastor and it was important that he had the information because you’ve worked with youth. Technically, we could get into a lot of trouble for not reporting this, and I pray it never comes back to bite us. Our justification for not reporting you is that this happened between you and our own nephew, and not a child of a family in the church.
I’ve been worried about the relationships you’ve formed with several of the youth for a long time- and we had even talked about it on several occasions- especially when you and your husband were going through your separation. You’ve had intensely close (and now I know inappropriate, with at least one) bonds that go beyond the appropriate sponsor/youth relationship. There are also remarks you’ve made that have really bothered me, whether to a youth or in front of them… but I don’t even want to get into all of that. It seems to me that you’ve been playing with fire for a long time.
I want to encourage you to pick yourself up and take care of yourself right now for the sake of your kids and yourself. You need to get into some Christian counseling as soon as possible and take some steps to get your life back under control; and be honest about what you’ve done, and figure out what’s going on. You need some accountability in your life and someone that can give you godly advice.
I have to say this next thing, and I’ll say it as kindly as possible: things have changed between us. I can no longer be the person that you hang out with, that holds you accountable, or gives you advice. Honestly, I don’t even want to have a face to face conversation about this. I’ve been too angry and have felt betrayed, but I’m working through it, just like I’m working through my feelings/anger towards my nephew. I forgive you, but please know that things are forever changed.
It is my wish that you never contact my nephews again in any way, and not to respond if they contact you, whether via phone, text, or Facebook. Your contact with my son will be limited. Your respecting these few things will make this much easier for me, and for everyone involved.
I know the last thing you want is to hear me saying what you “need” right now… but ***, you need to be in church, whether it’s here or somewhere else, and I think you know this. You need to be there every time the doors are open seeking God’s face and seeking healing. Your kids need to be in church and your husband needs to understand how important this is if he has them on Sundays. They need to be learning they can rely on God during their tough times and see their parents leading by example.
I want to stress that you are truly welcome at our church; I would never ignore you, and of course I will always be kind and friendly.
I also understand if you choose to make a fresh start somewhere else. It might be a great thing to find a church that has a support group for single moms or some kind of divorce care. A larger church like Calvary Chapel might have some of these programs. Whatever you decide, do take care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I believe you can pull this together and have a happy, healthy life- that’s exactly what God wants for you.
You will be in my prayers and thanks for taking the time to read this.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
When it rains...
Bearing in mind that this is my venting blog... be warned.
My last blog alluded to this situation, and it seems I am so gullible that I keep falling for the same thing over and over. Am I so starved for friendship? Answer: apparently. I was not prepared for the isolation I would feel as a pw.
Two families in the church, one suing the other for something in which there is no physical proof. Restraining orders, etc... It's a mess. We've tried to be there for BOTH families and support them both- not take sides... ministering to everyone involved. Donn takes care of the men in the families, and I've been dealing with the wives. We haven't taken sides- we've loved everyone through this- or tried to at least.
I thought I was forming a good friendship with one of the women in particular... we had lunch several times and I felt we were moving way past the basis of our friendship only being me ministering to her... does that make sense? I thought it was reciprocal.
In the course of my obligations as a pw, I met with the other woman, prayed with her and encouraged her. Can you see this coming? Woman #1 "found out" I met with woman #2 and stopped answering my calls or wanting to have anything to do with me. When I did manage to check in with her... she was "super busy" and couldn't talk... yadda yadda yadda.
So. Tired. Of. This. It's high school. So yeah, upon re-evaluation of our "friendship"- it was all about her wanting my husband and I to publically take sides and once she saw that wasn't going to happen... poof.
I have to figure out a way to keep this from hurting... from taking it personally every time. What am I supposed to be learning from this? Not to let anyone close to my heart? It seems with each try I get more discouraged. This past week I found that one "friend" betrayed me and the other wasn't really a friend in the first place.
I know God is my refuge and hiding place and that He can fill the holes I feel. He hears my cries. Lord, give me your strength and your peace. I know this life isn't all about me and that there's a purpose for it. Give me the grace to learn what you are teaching me.
My last blog alluded to this situation, and it seems I am so gullible that I keep falling for the same thing over and over. Am I so starved for friendship? Answer: apparently. I was not prepared for the isolation I would feel as a pw.
Two families in the church, one suing the other for something in which there is no physical proof. Restraining orders, etc... It's a mess. We've tried to be there for BOTH families and support them both- not take sides... ministering to everyone involved. Donn takes care of the men in the families, and I've been dealing with the wives. We haven't taken sides- we've loved everyone through this- or tried to at least.
I thought I was forming a good friendship with one of the women in particular... we had lunch several times and I felt we were moving way past the basis of our friendship only being me ministering to her... does that make sense? I thought it was reciprocal.
In the course of my obligations as a pw, I met with the other woman, prayed with her and encouraged her. Can you see this coming? Woman #1 "found out" I met with woman #2 and stopped answering my calls or wanting to have anything to do with me. When I did manage to check in with her... she was "super busy" and couldn't talk... yadda yadda yadda.
So. Tired. Of. This. It's high school. So yeah, upon re-evaluation of our "friendship"- it was all about her wanting my husband and I to publically take sides and once she saw that wasn't going to happen... poof.
I have to figure out a way to keep this from hurting... from taking it personally every time. What am I supposed to be learning from this? Not to let anyone close to my heart? It seems with each try I get more discouraged. This past week I found that one "friend" betrayed me and the other wasn't really a friend in the first place.
I know God is my refuge and hiding place and that He can fill the holes I feel. He hears my cries. Lord, give me your strength and your peace. I know this life isn't all about me and that there's a purpose for it. Give me the grace to learn what you are teaching me.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
giving chase and getting caught
i wonder if true friendship can be determined by how much time someone makes for you? if you're important to them, the time comes easily. there aren't constant excuses about how busy they are or how crazy their life is. it gets old and you start to wonder where they're really at, and your feelings get hurt when you feel ignored. not that i haven't ever been guilty of making these excuses to anyone- but when you're getting them yourself, you wonder what's real. i think that if you have to chase them for their time, maybe you should back up and re-evaluate. what does it mean? words are just words unless action backs them up. it hurts when you chase and get blown off over and over again.
i could say the same thing about my relationship with Christ... do my actions back up the things i confess with my mouth? i know He chases me... do i have the time for Him? do i let Him catch me? not always.
Lord, catch me and help me know what's really worth chasing.
i could say the same thing about my relationship with Christ... do my actions back up the things i confess with my mouth? i know He chases me... do i have the time for Him? do i let Him catch me? not always.
Lord, catch me and help me know what's really worth chasing.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Weeds be Gone
A friend pointed out to me (thanks Breanna) what a wonderful shepherd my husband is for protecting me from this. And he is. I had overlooked that.
He went yesterday evening and spoke with my "friend" for over an hour. She admitted everything, and then some. Said she knew how stupid it was, how sorry she was, and that she wouldn't blame me if I never spoke to her again. Donn said she cried the whole time.
At this point, her tears don't move me. Looking back, I feel like she has lied to me about other things as well- but I'm not going to give it the time of day anymore. I feel like I can be done with this, once I get the thoughts out of my head. I know... whatsoever is pure, noble, righteous... think on these things. I'm working on forgetting. I will be kind to her if I see her- though I doubt she will continue at our church. Eventually when we speak or correspond, I will encourage her to be involved at a church- whether it's ours somewhere else. I'm going to call our mutual friend Kerri and let her know (with no details) that we have had a falling out and have worked through it as best as possible, but that our friend will be needing someone to lean on and that she should check on her. I will not allow any details to get out. The only people that know are my husband, the youth/children's pastor out of safety and necessity, and one dear and trustworthy friend of mine who has no contact with her at all. If I don't have an outlet other than my husband on this one, I'll drive us both crazy.
I haven't even begun to deal with my feelings towards my nephew yet. We have had several (large) and hurtful incidents with him since my brother's death two years ago. I'm sure some of it is due to his personal pain concerning his parent's divorce when he was 11 and then his dad's death when he was 16- but he struggled with arrogance and rebellion while my brother was alive- so this isn't all about that. And my relationship with him isn't something I can cleanly cut out of my life... he's all we have left of my brother. I will work through it and deal with it as we get together, but I have a feeling that won't be until the next major holiday when the family gets together. Until then, I'll be praying. I don't feel like I can talk with him lovingly and objectively right now, especially as unapologetic as my sister said he is.
We aren't telling our 75 year old parents for fear it will affect their fragile health. They cling to our nephew (their grandson) and can't take any negative news concerning him. My sister and I will practice our Steel Magnolia routine and pull each other through just like we did when David died so suddenly. What else are sisters for?
All in all... in the midst of a horrible situation, God has taken care of us. Of course he has.
I think I'm going to go outside today and thank Him for that as I pull some weeds... literally and metaphorically.
He went yesterday evening and spoke with my "friend" for over an hour. She admitted everything, and then some. Said she knew how stupid it was, how sorry she was, and that she wouldn't blame me if I never spoke to her again. Donn said she cried the whole time.
At this point, her tears don't move me. Looking back, I feel like she has lied to me about other things as well- but I'm not going to give it the time of day anymore. I feel like I can be done with this, once I get the thoughts out of my head. I know... whatsoever is pure, noble, righteous... think on these things. I'm working on forgetting. I will be kind to her if I see her- though I doubt she will continue at our church. Eventually when we speak or correspond, I will encourage her to be involved at a church- whether it's ours somewhere else. I'm going to call our mutual friend Kerri and let her know (with no details) that we have had a falling out and have worked through it as best as possible, but that our friend will be needing someone to lean on and that she should check on her. I will not allow any details to get out. The only people that know are my husband, the youth/children's pastor out of safety and necessity, and one dear and trustworthy friend of mine who has no contact with her at all. If I don't have an outlet other than my husband on this one, I'll drive us both crazy.
I haven't even begun to deal with my feelings towards my nephew yet. We have had several (large) and hurtful incidents with him since my brother's death two years ago. I'm sure some of it is due to his personal pain concerning his parent's divorce when he was 11 and then his dad's death when he was 16- but he struggled with arrogance and rebellion while my brother was alive- so this isn't all about that. And my relationship with him isn't something I can cleanly cut out of my life... he's all we have left of my brother. I will work through it and deal with it as we get together, but I have a feeling that won't be until the next major holiday when the family gets together. Until then, I'll be praying. I don't feel like I can talk with him lovingly and objectively right now, especially as unapologetic as my sister said he is.
We aren't telling our 75 year old parents for fear it will affect their fragile health. They cling to our nephew (their grandson) and can't take any negative news concerning him. My sister and I will practice our Steel Magnolia routine and pull each other through just like we did when David died so suddenly. What else are sisters for?
All in all... in the midst of a horrible situation, God has taken care of us. Of course he has.
I think I'm going to go outside today and thank Him for that as I pull some weeds... literally and metaphorically.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Betrayal.
Not too long ago, I walked with one of my good friends through her divorce. She's about 36 or 37 with two kids- has been at our church since basically the beginning, and we've always been close. She's loud, fun, and sometimes extremely embarrassing to me, because I prefer not to be the center of attention. But I've tried hard to be a good friend to her, especially through her divorce. And it's been exhausting- social services was involved, the police were involved... you name it. It has not been fun. A month ago several people from the church, myself and my husband included spent about 8 hours helping her move to a new place... and then Donn and I spent another three getting her sound/tv/sattlelite hooked up. We have invested a lot in this relationship.
It's been difficult because in the throes of her divorce, she felt "the church" wasn't doing enough for her. She cussed me out (loudly) in the church parking lot with tons of people around- letting me know that she thought all this stuff we spouted was BS. Honestly at that point, I didn't know what else we could be doing for her- she wouldn't ask for help and was often offended when it was offered. She was putting the blame on the church instead of turning to God- she was trying to fill the hole in her life with the wrong things- people. Anyway, we worked through that, and I've been busting my butt ever since trying to "be there" for her.
Last Summer two of our nephews came to stay with us for a couple of months. Both were 17. They went to a church camp with us, which this friend of mine also sponsored at. She had them over several times to watch movies. They both returned home to begin their senior year in early August. One of my nephews who was here last summer lives with my sister since our brother's death two years ago. Just a week ago he got into trouble with my sister and had his cell phone taken away.
The next day my sister, being the wise woman that she is, went through his messages. She found sexting. Lots of it. With lines like, "I can't wait to be with you again." And pictures. Of nipples and such. She couldn't put the name to the girl and thought maybe it was someone from last summer (at my house). Did a little digging, talked to our nephew and he admitted it.
It was my 37 year old "friend." Yeah. Sexting with my then 17 year old nephew. Sending him pics of her breasts. He has since turned 18. The latest incident was this past april. That's like two months ago. He told my sister that basically everything but penetration happened.
I finally know the meaning of the word flabbergasted. This is a woman who told someone two days ago that I was her best friend. I don't mean to make this about me- but I feel so incredibly betrayed. My nephew is arrogant and fine- this was a conquest for him. I am beginning to wonder if he is beyond reach.
I told my pastor-husband who is beyond angry, but much calmer than I am. Luckily I'm down with strep throat right now and don't have the energy to kill her at present. But there's going to be a confrontation. My sister saw the messages, my brother in law saw the messages, and my nephew admitted it. My husband said we need to pray before we go into this. He named all the things she could be arrested for (he was a cop for 10 years)... and she has worked with our teenagers for heaven's sake! Looking back, she has lied to me in the past about things like this- when I felt she was getting too close to some of the teens.
Is this grounds to ask someone to leave a church? I understand she will NEVER work with youth or children again. But as mad as I am, I know she needs Jesus. I'm afraid if we ask her to leave our fellowship because I can't stand the sight of her, she'll never return to church. I don't want to be responsible for that. And once I've said what I have to say to her, I can treat her with civility and kindness. I can keep her dirty little secret and not ruin her reputation. I can love her as Christ wants me to, but I will never be her friend again. My nephew will not be returning to stay with me again. We can meet at my mom's house about 80 miles away so there won't be a danger of them getting together.
I'm so angry I can't even pray about this yet. I guess I need to be praying for God to help me pray about this.
Advice anyone? What in the world do we do? How do we handle this? What is godly? Is threatening her wrong (something along the lines of "if you turn this back on the church or me not "being there for you" anymore- I will be happy to explain to whoever you complain to the reason for my withdrawal" and threaten to expose what she did? or should that come out regardless?) Please pray that I will hear from God about this, and quickly... because we aren't going to wait long to confront her.
It's been difficult because in the throes of her divorce, she felt "the church" wasn't doing enough for her. She cussed me out (loudly) in the church parking lot with tons of people around- letting me know that she thought all this stuff we spouted was BS. Honestly at that point, I didn't know what else we could be doing for her- she wouldn't ask for help and was often offended when it was offered. She was putting the blame on the church instead of turning to God- she was trying to fill the hole in her life with the wrong things- people. Anyway, we worked through that, and I've been busting my butt ever since trying to "be there" for her.
Last Summer two of our nephews came to stay with us for a couple of months. Both were 17. They went to a church camp with us, which this friend of mine also sponsored at. She had them over several times to watch movies. They both returned home to begin their senior year in early August. One of my nephews who was here last summer lives with my sister since our brother's death two years ago. Just a week ago he got into trouble with my sister and had his cell phone taken away.
The next day my sister, being the wise woman that she is, went through his messages. She found sexting. Lots of it. With lines like, "I can't wait to be with you again." And pictures. Of nipples and such. She couldn't put the name to the girl and thought maybe it was someone from last summer (at my house). Did a little digging, talked to our nephew and he admitted it.
It was my 37 year old "friend." Yeah. Sexting with my then 17 year old nephew. Sending him pics of her breasts. He has since turned 18. The latest incident was this past april. That's like two months ago. He told my sister that basically everything but penetration happened.
I finally know the meaning of the word flabbergasted. This is a woman who told someone two days ago that I was her best friend. I don't mean to make this about me- but I feel so incredibly betrayed. My nephew is arrogant and fine- this was a conquest for him. I am beginning to wonder if he is beyond reach.
I told my pastor-husband who is beyond angry, but much calmer than I am. Luckily I'm down with strep throat right now and don't have the energy to kill her at present. But there's going to be a confrontation. My sister saw the messages, my brother in law saw the messages, and my nephew admitted it. My husband said we need to pray before we go into this. He named all the things she could be arrested for (he was a cop for 10 years)... and she has worked with our teenagers for heaven's sake! Looking back, she has lied to me in the past about things like this- when I felt she was getting too close to some of the teens.
Is this grounds to ask someone to leave a church? I understand she will NEVER work with youth or children again. But as mad as I am, I know she needs Jesus. I'm afraid if we ask her to leave our fellowship because I can't stand the sight of her, she'll never return to church. I don't want to be responsible for that. And once I've said what I have to say to her, I can treat her with civility and kindness. I can keep her dirty little secret and not ruin her reputation. I can love her as Christ wants me to, but I will never be her friend again. My nephew will not be returning to stay with me again. We can meet at my mom's house about 80 miles away so there won't be a danger of them getting together.
I'm so angry I can't even pray about this yet. I guess I need to be praying for God to help me pray about this.
Advice anyone? What in the world do we do? How do we handle this? What is godly? Is threatening her wrong (something along the lines of "if you turn this back on the church or me not "being there for you" anymore- I will be happy to explain to whoever you complain to the reason for my withdrawal" and threaten to expose what she did? or should that come out regardless?) Please pray that I will hear from God about this, and quickly... because we aren't going to wait long to confront her.
Uncomfortable confrontation coming...
Angry. Sad. Flabbergasted. In shock. Betrayed, on so many levels. By a "close friend." Add to that a flaming Lupus flare up and a freshly diagnosed case of Strep Throat and life is just peachy. I'll write more tomorrow while I'm recopuing in bed- my fall asleep pill is finally working, because I can't bear to think anymore. Good night and I'll be needing advice tomorrow. Good Grief, Charlie Brown. Our little church is under attack. My family is under attack. Good things must be going on.
Love to you and I'll write tomorrow- If I'm not in jail for murdering someone who thinks they are my "best friend". I wonder if we could use our helpline fund at the church for bail? Until then... g'night.
Love to you and I'll write tomorrow- If I'm not in jail for murdering someone who thinks they are my "best friend". I wonder if we could use our helpline fund at the church for bail? Until then... g'night.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Frickety Frick Frick FRICK!
So if you aren't comfortable hearing about my hormones, stop here. Fair warning.
Ok, I'm ticked off. I have Lupus- systemic (internal) and discoid (skin rash). Generally, it sucks, but I was diagnosed at 18 and am used to living with it, managing it, and listening to my body. It's either listen to what my body is telling me or or wait a little too long when I haven't been feeling good for a while and experience something like losing kidney function or having my liver shut down (both of which I experienced in the first 10 years with separate Lupus flare-ups). By the way, that's how Lupus works... it's either quiet or it's flaring up. The flares include increased arthritis, fever, funky stuff going on with my blood that makes me sick, fatigue, my immune system eating itself and the infamous butterfly rash across my face. When I have a flare, it can literally take months for things to calm down again- I've been sick for a couple of years straight at times with symptoms full time.
I have been basically symptom-free for about two years- I came completely off steroids, have had no rash on my face, minimal arthritis... very few complications. It has been amazing. And it's over. I'm praying that it's for just a short while... that this flare disappears in the two months it took to develop.
The reason it's over? I trusted my ob-gyn. And my rheumatologist. I've been fighting terrible hormone swings for a year or so- severe depression inducing drops off the hormonal cliff. My doc assures me I'm not even close to menopause at 40- but that at this age, with your cycle, hormones surge and drop each month. Yaz, I was assured by both doctors managing me would not affect my Lupus at all and would help with the hormonal swings. This is also my fault... I didn't do any research myself. I should know better by now.
It took two months to prove that wrong. I'm in a full flare-up complete with butterfly rash that goes all the way up on my scalp. When I finally started analyzing what had changed and when I started feeling bad- it began with the Yaz.
When I put this together, I started doing my own research and most of it specifically mentions the possible exacerbation of Lupus. AAAGGGHHHHH. This was so avoidable. I fully believe that. Why would they risk this? Why would I have risked this and not researched it myself?
I stopped the Yaz last night, as soon as I put all of this together- but it's too late. I can only pray that as it leaves my system over the next couple of months, that the flare up does as well. I'm so angry and frustrated, mainly with myself, for having to learn this lesson AGAIN. Pray with me?
Ok, I'm ticked off. I have Lupus- systemic (internal) and discoid (skin rash). Generally, it sucks, but I was diagnosed at 18 and am used to living with it, managing it, and listening to my body. It's either listen to what my body is telling me or or wait a little too long when I haven't been feeling good for a while and experience something like losing kidney function or having my liver shut down (both of which I experienced in the first 10 years with separate Lupus flare-ups). By the way, that's how Lupus works... it's either quiet or it's flaring up. The flares include increased arthritis, fever, funky stuff going on with my blood that makes me sick, fatigue, my immune system eating itself and the infamous butterfly rash across my face. When I have a flare, it can literally take months for things to calm down again- I've been sick for a couple of years straight at times with symptoms full time.
I have been basically symptom-free for about two years- I came completely off steroids, have had no rash on my face, minimal arthritis... very few complications. It has been amazing. And it's over. I'm praying that it's for just a short while... that this flare disappears in the two months it took to develop.
The reason it's over? I trusted my ob-gyn. And my rheumatologist. I've been fighting terrible hormone swings for a year or so- severe depression inducing drops off the hormonal cliff. My doc assures me I'm not even close to menopause at 40- but that at this age, with your cycle, hormones surge and drop each month. Yaz, I was assured by both doctors managing me would not affect my Lupus at all and would help with the hormonal swings. This is also my fault... I didn't do any research myself. I should know better by now.
It took two months to prove that wrong. I'm in a full flare-up complete with butterfly rash that goes all the way up on my scalp. When I finally started analyzing what had changed and when I started feeling bad- it began with the Yaz.
When I put this together, I started doing my own research and most of it specifically mentions the possible exacerbation of Lupus. AAAGGGHHHHH. This was so avoidable. I fully believe that. Why would they risk this? Why would I have risked this and not researched it myself?
I stopped the Yaz last night, as soon as I put all of this together- but it's too late. I can only pray that as it leaves my system over the next couple of months, that the flare up does as well. I'm so angry and frustrated, mainly with myself, for having to learn this lesson AGAIN. Pray with me?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Is Depends available for trading on the Stock Market? If so, I'm buying shares...
Last night I was at my sink in our bedroom removing my makeup- doing the "getting ready for bed" routine. I had just brushed my teeth and taken out my contacts. I looked up from the sink when some movement behind me caught my eye in the mirror. A blur who I presumed was my husband poked his head in and was whispering something to me....
"What?" I said... "I can't hear you!" (I assumed he had a twinkle in his eye and was asking if I was ready for him to come to bed...)
He whispered again, poking his head in a little further thinking I could read his lips...
In my best Marge Simpson voice I very sexily replied, "What?! I can't see you either... I just took out my contacts!"
Hilarity ensued as we went back over our conversation. Sigh. Getting old sucks, but it is kind of funny sometimes. ;)
"What?" I said... "I can't hear you!" (I assumed he had a twinkle in his eye and was asking if I was ready for him to come to bed...)
He whispered again, poking his head in a little further thinking I could read his lips...
In my best Marge Simpson voice I very sexily replied, "What?! I can't see you either... I just took out my contacts!"
Hilarity ensued as we went back over our conversation. Sigh. Getting old sucks, but it is kind of funny sometimes. ;)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
You know it's getting bad when...
the way someone sneezes drives you absolutely bananas and makes you want to (as CIY's Louis the Unicorn so lovingly put it) stab them in the face.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I am an Israelite
A whiner. A complainer. An ungrateful taker. Wandering in my desert unable to learn what God wants me to.
I realize my last couple of posts have sounded desperate and hopeless. And I am at times- but I'm going to keep walking. I really think I'm dealing with both depression and hormonal issues. I'm working with my doctors to get these things taken care of- and I believe that as my hormones level out and this fog that covers me lifts, things really aren't going to look so bad.
I need to focus on the good, because it's all around me. God is working and moving, and I don't want to miss it.
We had 464 people at church today- the week following an area mailing. Granted, it was Palm Sunday, and a lot people were church shopping for their Easter Sunday experience, I'm sure. But it's just a reminder from God that we are in His will- and as long as our heads don't get big and we continue to let Him do His thing (because this certainly isn't due to any of our know-how), this is going to be an amazing ride. I just have to hang on and let God heal me.
Love my Jesus.
I realize my last couple of posts have sounded desperate and hopeless. And I am at times- but I'm going to keep walking. I really think I'm dealing with both depression and hormonal issues. I'm working with my doctors to get these things taken care of- and I believe that as my hormones level out and this fog that covers me lifts, things really aren't going to look so bad.
I need to focus on the good, because it's all around me. God is working and moving, and I don't want to miss it.
We had 464 people at church today- the week following an area mailing. Granted, it was Palm Sunday, and a lot people were church shopping for their Easter Sunday experience, I'm sure. But it's just a reminder from God that we are in His will- and as long as our heads don't get big and we continue to let Him do His thing (because this certainly isn't due to any of our know-how), this is going to be an amazing ride. I just have to hang on and let God heal me.
Love my Jesus.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
i am ok.
ok but losing myself. ok but going through the motions. My doctor put me on medication- praying it helps. i know something has to change- i can't leave- so that something has to be me. is it wrong to want a month by myself in a room where I can see the beach? Totally alone to sort out my head? I'm afraid if I got it, i would want another and another and another.
i can't leave my husband for more than a week- I would feel like i'm deserting him- deserting the church- so i heap guilt on top of depression. i'm sure he already feels i'm so fragile and needy.
Please lord, pull me out of this. Forgive me for not living up to what you want from me. For the things I wanted and can't forget that have ruined me.
What do I do when I so desperately feel that my husband is called but i am not? What is the answer?
Ready for Sunday and a happy face- answers to everyone's questions- and all the right words. Praying my heart will follow...
i can't leave my husband for more than a week- I would feel like i'm deserting him- deserting the church- so i heap guilt on top of depression. i'm sure he already feels i'm so fragile and needy.
Please lord, pull me out of this. Forgive me for not living up to what you want from me. For the things I wanted and can't forget that have ruined me.
What do I do when I so desperately feel that my husband is called but i am not? What is the answer?
Ready for Sunday and a happy face- answers to everyone's questions- and all the right words. Praying my heart will follow...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
a personal psalm, of sorts...
This is me...
- very close to chopping off my hair because I need to simplify my life
- dealing with some severe hormonal issues that are seriously crippling my life
- making an appointment for next Friday with my girl doctor to do something about it because i can't go on like this any longer
- making a vow to not say anything negative to my husband about his parents who now live with us. they moved in with us 1/25/2010. i am afraid they will never move out. that fear is justified.
- not thinking about the fact that we're buying 90% of the food, and that's being generous, and that we're always about 100 bucks into our next check's food budget
- not thinking about the fact that they have no savings, no retirement, no means of income at the present time, and have declared personal and professional bankrupsy
- not thinking about the fact that neither of my husband's siblings have offered to help us financially
- getting desperately worried that we only have one seven-year-old car with almost 200,000 miles on it and really need another one- but don't have the means to get it because all our money is going towards debt reduction
- giving it to God; crying out to him in my time of trouble; recalling his prior faithfulness to me and my husband; and thanking him for what we are learning from this experience (though I have no idea what it is yet).
- very close to chopping off my hair because I need to simplify my life
- dealing with some severe hormonal issues that are seriously crippling my life
- making an appointment for next Friday with my girl doctor to do something about it because i can't go on like this any longer
- making a vow to not say anything negative to my husband about his parents who now live with us. they moved in with us 1/25/2010. i am afraid they will never move out. that fear is justified.
- not thinking about the fact that we're buying 90% of the food, and that's being generous, and that we're always about 100 bucks into our next check's food budget
- not thinking about the fact that they have no savings, no retirement, no means of income at the present time, and have declared personal and professional bankrupsy
- not thinking about the fact that neither of my husband's siblings have offered to help us financially
- getting desperately worried that we only have one seven-year-old car with almost 200,000 miles on it and really need another one- but don't have the means to get it because all our money is going towards debt reduction
- giving it to God; crying out to him in my time of trouble; recalling his prior faithfulness to me and my husband; and thanking him for what we are learning from this experience (though I have no idea what it is yet).
Monday, March 1, 2010
melancholy today-
coming out of one stressful week and into another. i don't want to whine in public or to my husband.
did you ever not want to open your email because you knew it would be one barrage after another of people needing things from you? and your voicemail? sometimes, i think i'm at my limit of niceness, but i'm not allowed to be.
i know i'm just "people-d out." we had friends from another town spend the night Saturday night- stayed up late- went to church Sunday- and then i had lunch for them and another couple. so i was "on" for about 24 hours straight. that wears me out.
and here's my week:
today- work until 3- then go help with a funeral dinner.
tonight- women's ministry meeting at my house.
tuesday all day- staff planning meeting.
wednesday- work and new bible study starting at 7pm at my house.
thursday- work all day and mission trip meeting at 7pm at my house.
friday- couples group at 7pm at my house.
saturday- host a shower for a girlfriend.
i think i'm in a funk because there is NO light at the end of my tunnel this week.
how horrible is it to say that i'm dreading Easter and i'm already pre-dreading Christmas? and if pre-dread isn't a real state of being... then i am officially making it one here and now.
i have piles of work on my desk including one huge project- and no desire to tackle it. which is, i guess why i'm blogging/whining right now. i don't have it in me to keep this pace- i don't want to. i acknowledge that and then i immediately feel guilty for not doing what God has called me to do without complaining.
my inlaws have been with us for about a month now. it's still ok- no personality conflicts, etc... except for the fact that they are always upstairs with us- there is no time for our little family unit to be alone. we have a HUGE tv downstairs, but his mom has to watch the little screen that is upstairs where we are. they stay upstairs with us all day and don't go down until midnight or so.
i asked my husband if we moved the little tv to the kitchen if that might make them watch and hang out more downstairs and he said, "They would probably just hang out closer to the kitchen and watch from there." so that doesn't seem to be a solution. and, what message would moving the tv send? father-in-law is easily offended. i have never had to worry about moving a tv in my own house before.
i guess we are going to have to go to our bedroom to have a private conversation.
is it ok to say that i'm not enjoying this? ministry and the stresses of life? just looked at the calendar to see if these were irrational pms feelings... and unfortunately, no... they're real.
what do i do with this, God?
did you ever not want to open your email because you knew it would be one barrage after another of people needing things from you? and your voicemail? sometimes, i think i'm at my limit of niceness, but i'm not allowed to be.
i know i'm just "people-d out." we had friends from another town spend the night Saturday night- stayed up late- went to church Sunday- and then i had lunch for them and another couple. so i was "on" for about 24 hours straight. that wears me out.
and here's my week:
today- work until 3- then go help with a funeral dinner.
tonight- women's ministry meeting at my house.
tuesday all day- staff planning meeting.
wednesday- work and new bible study starting at 7pm at my house.
thursday- work all day and mission trip meeting at 7pm at my house.
friday- couples group at 7pm at my house.
saturday- host a shower for a girlfriend.
i think i'm in a funk because there is NO light at the end of my tunnel this week.
how horrible is it to say that i'm dreading Easter and i'm already pre-dreading Christmas? and if pre-dread isn't a real state of being... then i am officially making it one here and now.
i have piles of work on my desk including one huge project- and no desire to tackle it. which is, i guess why i'm blogging/whining right now. i don't have it in me to keep this pace- i don't want to. i acknowledge that and then i immediately feel guilty for not doing what God has called me to do without complaining.
my inlaws have been with us for about a month now. it's still ok- no personality conflicts, etc... except for the fact that they are always upstairs with us- there is no time for our little family unit to be alone. we have a HUGE tv downstairs, but his mom has to watch the little screen that is upstairs where we are. they stay upstairs with us all day and don't go down until midnight or so.
i asked my husband if we moved the little tv to the kitchen if that might make them watch and hang out more downstairs and he said, "They would probably just hang out closer to the kitchen and watch from there." so that doesn't seem to be a solution. and, what message would moving the tv send? father-in-law is easily offended. i have never had to worry about moving a tv in my own house before.
i guess we are going to have to go to our bedroom to have a private conversation.
is it ok to say that i'm not enjoying this? ministry and the stresses of life? just looked at the calendar to see if these were irrational pms feelings... and unfortunately, no... they're real.
what do i do with this, God?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
A need has arisen...
to prepare for possible vents on my personal site.
My in-laws have moved in with us. They have no money, no retirement, no prospects, and well... no place to live. They have filed professional and personal bankruptcy and I'm pretty sure are hiding from being served on several lawsuits. They've been here officially for three days. As far as I can tell, we will be paying for the food and other living expenses of the household.
We put them in the (really nice) basement guest bedroom downstairs (where I had my mother's furniture from when she was growing up). Mom's furniture is now piled in the craft (crap) room along with the luggage, camping supplies, and Christmas decorations. We moved in their HUGE furniture and belongings and displaced mine.
I have cooked every night so far- but I don't know how long I can keep that up. In the first three days, they haven't done one dish.
I am determined to not let this get to me and to not speak negatively of them to my husband.
So far, so good. I am praying for grace. And I'm really glad I kept this site in tact so I have a place to be real, since I'm pretty much on my own on this. I can't vent to anyone in the church they will be attending (ours!). And no one else is really in my life that I can to talk to, especially since the husband is out. It makes my own mom too mad to talk to her about it- just the fact that my in-laws never took care of business and ended up in this situation in the first place (though I've seen this coming for years and years- it was always just a matter of when).
In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my chin up, my house clean, and my heart pure. Your prayers are appreciated. :)
You can always check out my public blog at www.justafishinabowl.com; please don't link to this site. Sanks.
My in-laws have moved in with us. They have no money, no retirement, no prospects, and well... no place to live. They have filed professional and personal bankruptcy and I'm pretty sure are hiding from being served on several lawsuits. They've been here officially for three days. As far as I can tell, we will be paying for the food and other living expenses of the household.
We put them in the (really nice) basement guest bedroom downstairs (where I had my mother's furniture from when she was growing up). Mom's furniture is now piled in the craft (crap) room along with the luggage, camping supplies, and Christmas decorations. We moved in their HUGE furniture and belongings and displaced mine.
I have cooked every night so far- but I don't know how long I can keep that up. In the first three days, they haven't done one dish.
I am determined to not let this get to me and to not speak negatively of them to my husband.
So far, so good. I am praying for grace. And I'm really glad I kept this site in tact so I have a place to be real, since I'm pretty much on my own on this. I can't vent to anyone in the church they will be attending (ours!). And no one else is really in my life that I can to talk to, especially since the husband is out. It makes my own mom too mad to talk to her about it- just the fact that my in-laws never took care of business and ended up in this situation in the first place (though I've seen this coming for years and years- it was always just a matter of when).
In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my chin up, my house clean, and my heart pure. Your prayers are appreciated. :)
You can always check out my public blog at www.justafishinabowl.com; please don't link to this site. Sanks.
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