Lost: Compassion

Being super honest here. This is a little embarrassing.

Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.

We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.

Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.

Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.

Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)

No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.

Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?

No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.

Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)

No compassion for God's people.

Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.

I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.