My verse for 2009 is:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10

I had a small epiphany during services today. It's funny because it's all stuff I already knew... I've been a Christian practically all of my life... things just hit me in the head today- and it happened to be while I was listening (for once). Usually, when things knock me in the head... I just wonder where the bruise came from... today I was fully present and I know that I heard from God. Here is what he said to me:

"Stop being a big fat whiny baby. Stop coming up with excuses as to why you aren't fit for where I've placed you. I have you here for a reason... accept it. Work it. Use it for My good. Stop complaining- your weaknesses only show My strength and your self-perceived inadequacies don't matter. You are where you are for this season- don't bury the talents you were given in the ground. Honor me and I will honor you."

I've had serious adjustment issues with becoming a pastor's wife. We made the switch into ministry in October of '05, so I'm going on a little over three years now... internally rebelling all the way. I really liked being a cop's wife. There was a certain amount of security there... certainly more money... and a lot less expected of me.

I didn't feel like I was living in... well... a fish bowl (HEY- what a great name for a blog!). I have felt so much pressure, constant scrutiny. I have never felt so... imperfect and weak. Both physically, mentally, and emotionally. But yeah, that verse got to me today... and during Communion... I heard from God.

I know that what has been asked of me is nothing compared to the sacrifice that Christ made... and He certainly wasn't a big fat whiny baby.

So I'm going to do my best. I'm stepping up to the plate, Lord. And I'm going to swing for the fence. Your grace is sufficient for me.

I survived Christmas.

Isn't that a horrible thing to say? It is 4 pm two days after Christmas- and I'm laying on the couch in my pajamas and new robe from Victoria's Secret- freshly showered with clean fluffy hair and not a stitch of makeup on. I am ready for bed. Like, three days worth of bed.

I am completely exhausted- mentally, physically, and emotionally. Here's the "cheese with my whine" show... so you may want to stop reading here! You have been warned.

Mentally: So much to think about. From the gift-getting (which was actually minimal this year) to just being on staff at a plant church- where so much work falls to so few staff members. I've been fretting over the Christmas services for months- and they were fantastic. We planned them for the 22nd and 23rd. We ran about 133 the first night and a little over 300 the second night- very successful for us- and things went smoothly. It was funny, touching, and people left with smiles on their faces. But planning and executing every detail was mentally exhausting. We left on the 24th to go to one set of our parents- then late on the 25th to make it to the other set. Family had flown in from all over the country for both sides- there was all that catching up to do- with no real down time, because we could only stay for about 24 hours each... staying up late... getting up early.... I feel like I've been "on" since last Sunday... know what I mean?

Physically: I haven't mentioned this yet, but I have lupus- diagnosed at age 18 (I'm 39 now... you do the math). I mostly do ok, but when I go and go (as mentioned above)- it really catches up to me. I have been hit with exhaustion and an arthritis flare up that could keep me on this couch for a couple of days... which I can't let it happen. More family is coming to visit our church tomorrow and I just can't be down for the count. I'm waiting to find out what the next step is with an impending knee replacement surgery (which I am looking forward to so I can be active again)- again arthritis related. Pray that whatever the next hoop I have to jump through for the insurance company comes quickly.

Emotionally: Difficult Christmas at my mom's house. We lost my brother in a motorcycle accident this year- and just helping to keep my mom's spirits up is emotionally exhausting. She isn't doing well and lives a relatively isolated life- so she sits and dwells on things- and just gets sadder and sadder. Not to mention dealing with my own grief and feelings about the loss during Christmas... but not really being able to show it in front of her because it really sets her off.

So that this isn't just another whiny post- I think it's important to list some of the good things that have happened this year... some of the blessings that have come my way:

• The restoration of a friendship that I needed but wasn't sure if we could ever move past some of the issues or not. Turns out our friendship was stronger than the issues.
  
• I have been relatively healthy this year.
• Our church is growing and thriving and it's so exciting to be a part of- even though I still sometimes wonder how I got here...
• We just paid off about half of our debt- and are working hard on the rest of it.
• We are almost through the hardest year our family has ever faced together as we deal with my brother's death.
• I went through a real spiritual dry spell for about 18 months- and I'm coming out of it to bask in God's love for me. It's pretty awesome.
  
• I know my Father will give me the strength to deal with all that He's given me.
  

Peace to you~

Grr.

1. We have the Hatfields and the McCoys at our church. And their kids got married this past summer. The two mothers are fighting like cats. My husband and I counseled with one of the parental couples shortly after the wedding when they threatened to leave the church because of their differences. We advised them to stay and try to work things out with the other set of parents for the sake of their kids... that they needed a healthy relationship with their inlaws. We should have let them leave. What's the line: "Leave the back door open?" Apparently it all hit the fan this week- the kids came back to visit for Christmas (they were smart enough to move away) and mom #1 let Dad #2 have it. And she spouted off some very wrong and inappropriate stuff from our counseling session. Put us right in the middle. Said we said stuff we didn't say (and never would have said). Twisted our words in the heat of the moment and put us in a terrible position. Luckily Dad # 2 came to us to get the truth- but I'm pissed.

and totally unrelated...

2. Toxic relationships will ruin your life. Threaten your ministry. Blur your focus. You can't hang on for the sake of history. Trying to figure out how to let one go. Pray for me. I need the supernatural here.

it feels good

to have our Christmas program laid out. It was so darn good last year I've felt a lot of pressure for this one to be a phenom as well. I've been worrying about it since May- and am finally satisfied with what we've put together. We got our graphic design work done today and are submitting ads and starting to work on the program and handout.

Don't get me wrong... I know this isn't about us... and our reputation. But there is a great amount of pressure for quality- because there just isn't much of that out here- mostly small town stuff. Not that there's one little thing wrong with shepherds in bathrobes... :)

finally...

after another hour on the phone with Adobe customer support, i'm finally up and running. now i can start all the crap i was supposed to have done yesterday... and it's only 11:30!

and by the way, cs guys who have their mikes so close to their mouths that you can hear every breath they take are creepy. he sighed. a lot.

creepy.

Thanks a lot, Adobe Creative Suite.

By crashing today, by giving me a "Catastrophic Error"... you insured that my former two-day Thanksgiving work week is now a three, possibly four day work week. GRRR. I've already spent 45 minutes on the phone with a guy in India to no avail. Going in tomorrow when I should be preparing for Thanksgiving dinner. Have I said GRRR yet? Is frick a cuss word? I vote no. FRICK!

Am I a Sheep or a Goat?

I have always assumed I was a sheep. After all, I've been a Christian FOREVER (hear the little kid from The Sand Lot saying that in the tree house with it echoing over and over). I am a pastor's wife... I minister to those around me... I'm a youth group sponsor... I do hospital visitations... I work about 50 hours a week at the church... I do my devotions and spend time in prayer every day... I work every month serving food to the homeless with a group from my church... that makes me a sheep, right?
Then, Viktor and Leia came into my life. My husband and I were downstairs watching a movie when our doorbell rang. We paused it and he went up to see who was at the door. I heard him talking to someone, but I was already in my pajamas so I stayed downstairs. After about ten minutes, my husband poked his head downstairs with a ridiculous grin on his face and said, "Come up here. I have someone I want you to meet." I protested that I was in my pajamas and he assured me that "they" wouldn't care. So I went upstairs to find that a young couple was moving into our guest bedroom for the night.

Being the displaced southern belle that I am, I waited until after the genial introductions and some cheery small talk to get my husband alone and nearly strangle him. "What were you THINKING inviting people we don't know to SLEEP in our house? What if they MURDER us in the middle of the night? I am going to be so ticked at you if I wake up DEAD!" (Ok, I was slightly irrational.) He very calmly explained that he spent a lot of time talking with them and their story checked out and that they were biking across the country to New York to where her family lived. Oh, yeah, and he felt like the Holy Spirit was prompting him to let them stay. Well, that completely deflated every argument that I had in my arsenal. He said the scripture kept coming to mind from Matthew 25:35: " For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in..." What was I to do but trust that God would take care of us and submit to my husband?

I was thankful that our son was, by chance, spending the night at a friend's house, so I didn't have to be concerned about his safety. That helped a little. It also helped that they were really nice people (and in the back of my head, I was thinking, "so was Ted Bundy...") and very open. Viktor was from Belgium, with a thick accent and mad-crazy body odor. Leia was from Canada. They had biked down from Canada and were now headed across to New York, traveling about 60 miles on a good day. We got on Google Earth and zoomed into his hometown in Belgium and even on to his mom's house- which brought tears to his eyes.

They were exhausted, so we fed them, let them shower, and we all got ready to go to bed. While Viktor was in the shower, I gave Leia a great book called "Under the Overpass" about a guy who chose to live on the streets for a period of time and traveled across the country, much as they were doing. And I gave her my bible. She accepted both gratefully and I went to my room and got ready for bed. I heard Viktor get out of the shower and Leia get in... and out... and the house got quiet.

I didn't sleep a wink all night. I laid awake listening to every creak and groan our house made... and worried about being murdered in my sleep. My husband, on the other hand, slept like a baby... which made me mad. He had put me in this situation, after all... the least he could do was stay awake and worry with me! I think he even snored, which was annoying because it covered up the possible squeaking of the door that would happen as they came in to murder us.

The next morning, I was exhausted, but definitely not dead. We all got up and took them to breakfast in the little town next to ours. Afterwards, we drove them about 75 miles east to get them a day ahead of the snow storm that was about to blaze through our state. As my husband and I talked on the way home, he never really did understand why I was so afraid having two people that we didn't know at all in our home overnight. I guess that's just the difference between men and women? He never understood the vulnerability I felt. I don't know.

I' still feel guilt over the worry... the fear I experienced that night. Was I not "holy" enough to trust God to take care of me? Was I not taking care of "the least of these" with a pure heart? I still don't know the answer to those questions... but I do know that I did the best I could. I was kind and friendly, and didn't let them know I was worried or afraid. I was the consummate hostess~ I just hope Christ was happy with my heart.

Here they are after our drive east- getting ready to hit the road and move a little closer to New York.
I've prayed for them every day since they left. I put my email address inside the book I gave Leia- they are supposed to email us when they safely reach New York. I hope I hear from them again. And I do know that I'd let them stay in my home again if they came back through... and I'd probably sleep this time, at least lightly. :)

Church in the dark

Our plant church had an interesting Sunday this past week. We don't yet have our own facility, so we meet in a school. We are in the middle of a series about the things that hold us hostage and this week was the biggie- the week on pornography. There are several families in our church struggling with this issue; some still together, some not. It's huge everywhere. It's the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about in the Christian community. We went to xxxchurch.com and planned our own "Porn Sunday".

As my husband and I were getting ready around 6:45 am, we were talking about how a lot of the service was video/computer-driven today: our drama needed the computer, we used an accompaniment cd for the song "Slow Fade" (usually all our songs are live), and even the bulk of our message was a video. Our computer has crashed in the middle of the service before, causing huge problems with sermon notes on the screen, lyrics, etc... I told him that we needed to gather people together that morning to pray for the service, the technical stuff, the computer, etc... My husband said, "We need to pray to ban Satan from the room this morning..." and that very second, our power went out. Literally, his words were still hanging in the air. Our first reaction was to laugh and say, "Of course this happened... there really must be some people who need to hear this message today."

We quickly came to find out that the outage covered the entire corridor where we live, and included five different towns, and the utility company said it would be several hours before it was restored. All this happened right before setup at 7am. Last Sunday, we had 389 people attend and we were thinking it was possible again this week... we had rented a way-too-expensive plush elephant costume and planned to use it to greet people as they came in and to sit on the front row during the service (representing the elephant in the room)- we had all these huge plans... can you say stress?

Our set up team showed up right on time to discuss, and eventually solve the problem. We found out later that evening that we were one of the only churches on the corridor that continued with church that morning. Several of our guys ran home and grabbed their generators- I think we used three total- and we did our best to conserve power and have "church as usual". We didn't have our normal lighting because we didn't want to waste too much power on that, so it was a little dim in the room. But that played right into our drama and the video. It smelled a little bit like gasoline (or whatever the generators ran on)... but you know what? Our little church barely hiccuped- someone called us the church that "kept on ticking". The band sounded fantastic- and everything was so well received. I really believe that the service was better for what happened. It was so powerful, and I believe that lives were changed. It was incredible.

The power came back on about ten minutes after the second service was over while we were tearing down- which pointed a big, fat finger at exactly who our adversary had been that morning... and he was waving a white flag.

It was a complete miracle that we pulled it off, but once again... God provided and we are still standing in amazement.

whew...

A great Sunday- almost 400 people and a very generous offering. wow. thanks, god. we needed that.

god is in control... god is in control... god is in control

I just wrote paychecks for everyone on staff but my husband and me.

stressed...

Not enough in the offering to make payroll on Friday. A plea goes out tomorrow. The horrible economy has affected the church too. Lord, please provide for your church and your people.

God is good...

What does He bring us after a horrible night at youth group? A woman who came in today who has been attending recently- coming from the Jehovah's Witness faith. She walked in and said, "I know this is the right way to go. I need to be saved today and I want to be baptized as soon as possible!" My husband talked with her for a little while and then she prayed her sweet sinner's prayer. They are talking about dates for her baptism.

God gave us a reminder that we need to keep moving forward and keep pushing... and a reminder that what we're doing is worth it. :) What a great day.

Pleease Release Me... Let Me Gooooo-

For I don't love you anymore.... (from a really old, really bad Jim Reeves song... look it up!)

So, my dad told us something one time that was pretty smart. When my husband and I were contemplating leaving a church we had attended for ten years (before we went into the ministry)- we asked him how we would know when/if the time was right. He told us to remain in constant prayer and communion with God and that if it was His will for us to move on, that we would both feel a "release" from him in our spirit. He was right. It didn't come quickly, and it didn't come without pain... but when the time was right, God let us know it was time to go.

I've been praying for months to be released from youth group- from being a sponsor. I'm just so done with it. It has been a tough situation week after week. We have an amazing youth pastor who is wasted on a bunch of punk kids. Harsh words, I know. Terrible words coming from a pastor's wife... but this is my place of honesty and humanity. The kids who are coming for the right reasons are not able to get anything from it because of the few that disrupt everything and keep everyone from learning. Over and over I've prayed for release. And over and over, God has said nope... you have to stay.

We made a big decision tonight- our y.p. is going to call a few of them and tell them they can't come back next week. One girl has been in physical altercations the past two weeks, and another kid and his sister actually brought pot and showed it to one of our sponsors (uh, DUH). They are the main trouble and instigators... and if they are not allowed to come, a few others will no doubt fail to show up.

We are changing the format starting the week after next- separating jr. & sr. high- which is so hard because we are a plant church, so we don't have space unless it's rented or in someone's home- but we are seeing that it is absolutely necessary at this point. We are changing all "youth groups" to more of a Bible Study format, to meet the needs of our kids who do want to learn and grow... and we have so many of them. They will be smaller and more focused. We believe the kids who are coming for the wrong reasons and are so distracting will fall away. We plan to have monthly outreach activities so we don't lose contact with them and can try to bring them along from that point... it's just that, after this week... bringing them along won't be at the expense of the kids who actually do want to get to better know Christ.

It was funny in a horrible sort of way tonight... one of the girls who likes to think of herself as a gang-banger (again, we grow wheat and have lots of goats and farm-y things out here!) was being so defiant and challenging tonight. I went back and sat on the floor right in the middle of her little "posse" and actually asked her, "Why are you here?" She wouldn't answer me or make eye contact. She tried to quietly say to one of her friends, "Maybe we should just leave!" and I turned around and said, "You want to leave? I'd be happy to walk you to the door. Let me help you up..." and that shut her up for maybe 5 minutes. ugh. So frustrating. I am afraid there is going to be a drug deal or a fight one night and that we don't have a safe environment for our kids.

So next week should be better without a few select people there... and then we're changing things after that. I think maybe I have a little ray of hope. Please, God... give us some victories. we need them. Oh, and if You can reconsider the whole "releasing me" thing... I'd appreciate it.

Yeah, that's what I thought. :)

It's Saturday night...

and I'm so tired. Had an emotional, but good meeting with my bi-polar bear today. It was tough but ended well. I've realized the past three years when I officially became a "pastor's wife" that I just can't please everyone. I guess I've known that in my head, but knowing and letting things roll off your back are two completely different things. Why does ministry have to be so hard? I know, I know... would I like some cheese with my whine? :)

Well, going to bed- a long, plant-church day tomorrow- massive set up and tear down with a little bit of trying to be all things to all people thrown in the middle. God, give me your joy and strength.

Bi-Polar Bears

Can I just vent for a moment here? Because He must think we can handle them, God has sent our church several women who have Bi-Polar disorder. If you don’t know anything about this illness, it’s characterized by extreme highs which then swing to extreme lows.

In the beginning, it was extremely easy to deal with. In fact, the first woman that we were aware of was one of the hardest workers and founding members of our plant church. We always saw her “up” and happy. There would be month-long stretches where she wouldn’t make it to church and her family would tell us that she was home with a “headache”. Then she would suddenly show back up again. We didn’t know there was actually a legitimate issue until my husband was asked by her to help her deal with a marital issue. It was here that we found out she had bi-polar disorder… and we did our best to love her through it all.

The year her middle daughter graduated from high school, her youngest graduated from middle school. She was under a ton of stress planning parties and she was also upset about the wording of something in the bulletin that week. She showed up after youth group one night and, I think the terminology is…“ripped me a new one.” Made me cry, the whole nine yards. In the middle of it, I wasn’t thinking, “She has Bi-Polar disorder… this isn’t her.” I was just hurt. When I got home and thought about it, I knew I shouldn’t take it so personally- that this wasn’t my friend. She called the next week and apologized. That’s how it was with her… constantly up and down and feeling like the “responsible” person in the relationship, because she couldn’t control herself. She tragically took her life during one of her lows about two years ago.

Her death greatly affected another woman in our congregation who was also bi-polar, even worse than my friend, I think. She went into a deep depression and then, as she started to come out of the depression, decided to start a LifeGroup, which our church supported and encouraged her in doing. We tapped into the DBSA (Depression & Bi-polar Support Alliance) and became charter members. The group has remained intact, meeting faithfully, even through her recent hospitalization for severe depression.

She, however, never apologizes for anything ugly that she says. Her bi-polar is a crutch… a get-out-of-jail free card so that she can say whatever she wants to whomever she wants. Usually it’s me she finds a way of making feel lousy. Since she came out of the hospital, she’s been emailing me deep theological questions and I have literally been spending hours researching and responding to her emails, I take time from my family after I get home to be a friend to her. It never fails that I’ll say something that offends her in one way or another, and believe me, knowing this; I take great care in being very careful about how I word things.

She sent me another snippy response today, and I’m just about fed up. I have loved her until I’m used up and I know I have to keep loving her more. I’m just angry about it right now.

It doesn’t matter if my feelings are hurt, because once again, I am the responsible party in the relationship, and I’m supposed to be able to let things just roll off my back, no matter how ugly she is to me. It’s not fair that she can say whatever she wants with no consequences…just an easy shifting of the blame. What she said today insinuated that she thought I had “forgotten about her” again, after many times of doing it before. Which is bunk. It obviously doesn’t occur to her that she isn’t the only person in our congregation of 300 that we are caring for and the effort that I put into our friendship that is SO not worth it.

As I was writing this, the perfect name for this entry came to me… because she does act like an angry, hungry bear that attacks and takes no prisoners; and she makes me feel like the prey. I dread our interactions. Hey, I know all the right answers; what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to react. And I’m always going to do the right thing, the thing Jesus would do. But I’m human, and I have feelings. And these, though they aren’t pretty… are them. GRRRRRR.

Ridiculousness

Seriously, I live in a tiny, country town about thirty miles outside of Denver. Cow Country. We grow wheat and sunflowers. There are goats and pigs down the road. And still we have stupid kids trying to be "gangster" with their pants around their knees and the girls acting like... well, not like girls.

At youth group tonight, two girls were talking trash to each other all night long trying to act all bad. So stupid. Thank God I told another sponsor that she needed to keep her eyes on one and I would watch the other afterward because there was going to be a fight if we didn't.

And there was. Luckily, we separated them and broke it up before anything more than words were exchanged. I'm so angry. Youth group is getting harder and harder for me because the crowd of kids we have coming are so difficult and disrespectful. The really need Jesus. But thank goodness I was there tonight. I called the High School principal and gave him a heads up that the two girls were going to be looking for each other tomorrow- that made me feel a little better.

Deep cleansing breath............... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Weirdest end to a church service ever...

It was a great day yesterday- 300 plus people... an awesome message... amazing worship... and a seizure (or something of that nature). We made it through the first service with ease. Towards the end of the second service, sweet Dorothy, an 80 year old lady that attends with her daughter, very loudly keeled over. Lots of moaning and commotion ensued- donn stopped the message to deal with the situation - and had the worship pastor come out and pray for her with the congregation. Kevin prayed, and then dismissed the service about 20 minutes early in the middle of the message. Paramedics were called, and kept Dorothy in the ambulance in the school parking lot for a few minutes- when she got out and walked across the parking lot to her daughter's car. Come to find out, Dorothy has a potassium deficiency and the doctors can never figure out why, but about three times a year, this is how it affects her.

I can't tell you how many people said to me, "Man, Donn was really killing 'em today!" after we found out that Dorothy was ok and headed for home. It was one of those things that you laugh at really hard and then feel extremely guilty for... and then say to someone else. :)

Sitting at home

While everyone is wandering through the corn maze at Chatfield. I wanted to go, but we're also supposed to go to the Bronco game tomorrow and I know that if I spent three hours walking around on my messed up knee in the freezing cold tonight, there would be no chance of me making it to the game tomorrow. I'm frustrated. I just want to be healthy.

Monday morning, I promise to contact my orthopedic doctor and let him know I think we need to move to the next step before my knee replacement surgery. I just want to be healthy and feel good again. I guess that here, in this space, I shouldn't feel guilty about whining.

This sucks.

whew...and grrrr.

The dinner went great. Only 17 of the 30 showed up (21 of us total), which made things much more managable. Jeff and Shannon hosted with us and it turned out to be a pretty fun night. Of course there's always the one couple who is starved for friendship that stays way too late- but other than that it was an ok night.

Did I mention that I hate women's ministry? Oh yeah, in my very first post. Well, I still do. I know it's not politically correct for a pw, but I'm trying to have one place where I can be honest. One of the reasons is what's going on with our women's ministry team right now. I am part of it because I have to be, and I pretend to like it. I am the liason between the team and the office... scheduling events, doing the graphic design work, and putting the info out to the church. I'm the P.R. gal.

The last meeting we had, the girls decided to elect officers (fine, whatever). Two volunteered for secretary & treasurer, and one reluctantly volunteered for the President position. There were five other women sitting in the meeting and not one of them would volunteer for vice president. It went on and on... with them nominating each other and the person vehemently saying no to accepting the position. So finally, we left with no VP. That was last Saturday. On Sunday, several of us got a text from the new President saying that she had asked a lady who had not previously been involved with the planning team to be her VP and she accepted. This lady has come to most of our events, but not the planning of the events. This put the rest of the team up in arms because the new VP hadn't previously "proven" herself. Seriously. When no one would else was willing to volunteer for the position.

Let me just say that really ticks me off. At this point, what right do they have to be upset?

Come to find out, one of the planning team members mentioned it to her husband (an elder) who acted like a total chick about it, got really mad, and told my husband, the pastor. Yeah. And it all boils down to this new VP not being a favorite of a couple of the members of the women's ministry planning team because her son had an accident on another elder's ATV and wasn't able to pay for the damages.

Does that even make sense? So THIS (the planning team drama) isn't even about THAT (asking a new VP on board who hadn't previously served). It's about THIS: (money). All that to say, it's stupid. I don't have patience for drama among adult women. It's only one of the reasons that I hate women's ministry. How can you put that many hormones and opinions and PMS cycles into one room and have a positive outcome?

I basically told one of the women who was upset that since no one would volunteer, no one has the right to say anything. I do think the new President should have run her idea by some of the team members before asking this lady to fill the position as a courtesy... but that's about it. I feel like, because no one stepped up to help her, she was justified in seeking out help. And both the new President and Vice President should have the chance to proove themselves.

Lord, come quickly. I will not pray for Grace or Patience... because I'm afraid of how You'll give them to me... probably with more fun in the wonderful world of womens ministry.

ugh.

Newcomer's Dinner at my house tonight. Over 30 people are signed up. I know this is a GOOD thing, but I'm dreading it. Just having to be "on". We got the house cleaned and looking great last night- so today is running to Sam's Club, the grocery store, and then cooking. I think this is our last event this week during what has been a really busy week. Oh wait, we have dinner with another new couple on Friday that wanted "private time" with us. sigh. I'm totally staying home tomorrow night and watching The Office as my reward for being an extroverted introvert tonight.

God, thank you for all you're doing in our church... help me to be what you've called me to be and to bring you glory. And thank you for an outlet. I know you're reading this.

Originally published October 8, 2008

it's a shame...

that i need this space. that i don't feel like i can just be me and share openly. but i don't feel that i can. there isn't one person in my life right now, apart from my husband, that i am able to speak freely with... and sometimes, he just doesn't get it (am i supposed to say "bless his heart" here?).

Pssst... i have a "real" blog... another one where life is mostly happy and sunny and i wax poetic quite a bit. but here's our secret... this one is really the "real" one. i have spent the past two days depressed and full of anxiety. i've tried repeatedly to get hold of the one friend, other than my husband, that i can talk to. the one that i've been through hell and high water with... and our friendship has survived for the most part. but he's busy with his life. i've tried calling, texting, emailing, and skyping... don't know what else to do. and i don't want to enter the stalker category... so instead, i'll create a new email address, a new identity, and a new blog so that i have a place in this world where i can be me and not be worried about someone finding out how i really feel and deciding that i should feel differently than i do. i can write and not worry. i guess that's it for now. i'll be back.

P.S. I hate women's ministry!

Originally written October 7, 2008