i am ok.

ok but losing myself. ok but going through the motions. My doctor put me on medication- praying it helps. i know something has to change- i can't leave- so that something has to be me. is it wrong to want a month by myself in a room where I can see the beach? Totally alone to sort out my head? I'm afraid if I got it, i would want another and another and another.

i can't leave my husband for more than a week- I would feel like i'm deserting him- deserting the church- so i heap guilt on top of depression. i'm sure he already feels i'm so fragile and needy.

Please lord, pull me out of this. Forgive me for not living up to what you want from me. For the things I wanted and can't forget that have ruined me.

What do I do when I so desperately feel that my husband is called but i am not? What is the answer?

Ready for Sunday and a happy face- answers to everyone's questions- and all the right words. Praying my heart will follow...