I always thought this song by R.E.M. was about someone turning away from God. Then I listened to the lyrics I was singing along to...and discovered that wasn't it at all and in fact, I tend to "lose my religion" and get angry at silly things on a regular basis.
I lost my religion today with a waiter. You know, the disappearing waiter. The one who comes right away to take your order and bring your drinks with a big smile. He looks so promising. Then he just doesn't come back. Not even when the people in another waiter's section who arrived twenty minutes after you have already received their food and are working on dessert. You know... that waiter.
The one who breezes by your table and, when stopped to ask when your food will be out after you've been waiting for 35 minutes, gets testy and says, "It is being prepared," and you have a sinking feeling that it's been sitting under a warming lamp for half an hour while he took his smoking break and your sandwich will now have a spitefully placed chest hair plucked fresh from his roommate who's working the grill. Remember him?
The guy who finally brings your food and then doesn't come back to refill your first Coke or check to see if everything is ok, forcing you to choke down your lunch sans liquid? And then he only appears with an annoyed expression on his face after you've asked another waiter to track him down so you can get a refill and swallow your food? The one who made your fellow diners feel uncomfortable because I was gazing longingly at their drinks? Yeah, that one.
My husband got an earfull from me... but wouldn't say anything to the manager about our service or the rudeness of our waiter. His repeated words were, "Ang, chill out!".
So how did I lose my religion with him? With a spray of angry, unchristian words? A nasty note to the manager? Trashing their restroom?
Nope. I only tipped him 10%.
Can anyone say BURN?!?! Didn't think so.
And that is why I had to come home and write about it.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Bondage
What's holding you captive? I'm just wrapping up the first week of the updated Beth Moore study "Breaking Free." So far, of course, it's amazing... and I have a small group of women I love and respect that are participating.
I've never really thought of myself as being in bondage to anything, but the deeper I get into the study... the more I think I'll be re-evaluating that self-assessment. I guess there is one major thing that I can name right off the get-go; the first one is most important, and I'm just going to think about it today. It's Resentment.
1. There are a lot of things I've resented... but the biggie is that God put Hubby and I into the role of pastor & wife. Selfish, I know. And even ridiculous, because, after praying about it for two years... I am the one that told him we'd never be happy unless we followed God's calling on his life and we needed to make the jump into full time ministry. I meant it when I said it. But I was in no way prepared for the toll this would take on our family time, the stress it would add to our lives, and the way it would decimate our schedule. Then there's the fact that we gave up a very comfortable paycheck for the uncertainty of an income reliant on people giving to the church. Don't even get me started on the people who feel they right to say anything at all to you (or your family) since they "pay your salary."
So, being in ministry has resulted in me having to trust God for my daily bread and not be as selfish with my personal and family time. Those are both good things, right?
Summarizing: I'm a control freak. I try to be a very kind control freak... but there it is none-the-less. I'm not in control. I hate that. I'm selfish too... and I resent things (unplanned counseling sessions, too many meetings) that constantly encroach on my family time. (Would a better managed schedule, both for myself and my husband, work in this area? Marking off sacred time together?)
Lesson One: I must let go of my need for control and work on eliminating selfishness. How do you kill selfishness where your personal and family time is concerned?
2. I dearly love my in-laws, but I'm resentful that they have now been living with us for over a year. We get along great and on the surface, things are peachy. But to my knowledge, they have no plan to do anything but live with their three kids (mostly us) for the rest of their lives. They haven't come out and said that... but let's just say... there are no plans or talk of moving. They do not pay rent. They are in bankrupsy, both personal and business. They give us money on occasion, probably $2,000 for the year they've lived with us (or almost 1 month's mortgage for us). They buy groceries on occasion, but rarely cook. They have a nice set-up in our basement (fridge, microwave, their own bathroom, a nice bedroom, the good tv), but stay upstairs (in my part of the house) about 12 hours a day... so I have no personal time with my family. My father in law has started yet another business- in my garage- and his plans for moving out of my garage include moving into rented space right next to our church offices. So, not only do I have the joy of living with him, but also seeing him at work every day- he will be popping in frequently, I'm certain. I'm stuck with trying hard not to complain to my husband and put him in the middle. It's HARD. My mother in law has changed all my cooking utensils; they were old, but I liked them. She's re-arranged my kitchen drawers. I can no longer find my spatulas. Ever. Oh, and I'm resentful that my husband's brother and sister do not send us any assistance- that the entire burden is on us.
Lesson two: I really have no idea. Compassion? Sympathy? Patience? Whatever the lesson is... I hope I learn it FAST. Wait, that wasn't patient at all, was it? sigh.
I know I sound like... I'm just going to say it because it's the best word for it... a bitch. I really am a nice person, and I promise that no one, either in our congregation or in my home, knows that I have these feelings of resentment. I am an excellent Southern Belle, and polite to a fault... which is why I tend to bottle up things like anger and resentment... because they aren't pretty.
Listen, I don't want to turn into this complaining, unhappy, bitter old woman; I want to love my life. I will fight for that- because I know, ultimately, that being where God wants you to be is where it's at.
I love my Jesus, and I'm thankful for where He's brought us and all that He's done in our lives... in my life. I am committed to doing this right, for His glory... so maybe part of moving towards that is naming the things that I'm struggling with and evaluating them. Admitting. Learning. Growing. Moving forward.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
I've never really thought of myself as being in bondage to anything, but the deeper I get into the study... the more I think I'll be re-evaluating that self-assessment. I guess there is one major thing that I can name right off the get-go; the first one is most important, and I'm just going to think about it today. It's Resentment.
1. There are a lot of things I've resented... but the biggie is that God put Hubby and I into the role of pastor & wife. Selfish, I know. And even ridiculous, because, after praying about it for two years... I am the one that told him we'd never be happy unless we followed God's calling on his life and we needed to make the jump into full time ministry. I meant it when I said it. But I was in no way prepared for the toll this would take on our family time, the stress it would add to our lives, and the way it would decimate our schedule. Then there's the fact that we gave up a very comfortable paycheck for the uncertainty of an income reliant on people giving to the church. Don't even get me started on the people who feel they right to say anything at all to you (or your family) since they "pay your salary."
So, being in ministry has resulted in me having to trust God for my daily bread and not be as selfish with my personal and family time. Those are both good things, right?
Summarizing: I'm a control freak. I try to be a very kind control freak... but there it is none-the-less. I'm not in control. I hate that. I'm selfish too... and I resent things (unplanned counseling sessions, too many meetings) that constantly encroach on my family time. (Would a better managed schedule, both for myself and my husband, work in this area? Marking off sacred time together?)
Lesson One: I must let go of my need for control and work on eliminating selfishness. How do you kill selfishness where your personal and family time is concerned?
2. I dearly love my in-laws, but I'm resentful that they have now been living with us for over a year. We get along great and on the surface, things are peachy. But to my knowledge, they have no plan to do anything but live with their three kids (mostly us) for the rest of their lives. They haven't come out and said that... but let's just say... there are no plans or talk of moving. They do not pay rent. They are in bankrupsy, both personal and business. They give us money on occasion, probably $2,000 for the year they've lived with us (or almost 1 month's mortgage for us). They buy groceries on occasion, but rarely cook. They have a nice set-up in our basement (fridge, microwave, their own bathroom, a nice bedroom, the good tv), but stay upstairs (in my part of the house) about 12 hours a day... so I have no personal time with my family. My father in law has started yet another business- in my garage- and his plans for moving out of my garage include moving into rented space right next to our church offices. So, not only do I have the joy of living with him, but also seeing him at work every day- he will be popping in frequently, I'm certain. I'm stuck with trying hard not to complain to my husband and put him in the middle. It's HARD. My mother in law has changed all my cooking utensils; they were old, but I liked them. She's re-arranged my kitchen drawers. I can no longer find my spatulas. Ever. Oh, and I'm resentful that my husband's brother and sister do not send us any assistance- that the entire burden is on us.
Lesson two: I really have no idea. Compassion? Sympathy? Patience? Whatever the lesson is... I hope I learn it FAST. Wait, that wasn't patient at all, was it? sigh.
I know I sound like... I'm just going to say it because it's the best word for it... a bitch. I really am a nice person, and I promise that no one, either in our congregation or in my home, knows that I have these feelings of resentment. I am an excellent Southern Belle, and polite to a fault... which is why I tend to bottle up things like anger and resentment... because they aren't pretty.
Listen, I don't want to turn into this complaining, unhappy, bitter old woman; I want to love my life. I will fight for that- because I know, ultimately, that being where God wants you to be is where it's at.
I love my Jesus, and I'm thankful for where He's brought us and all that He's done in our lives... in my life. I am committed to doing this right, for His glory... so maybe part of moving towards that is naming the things that I'm struggling with and evaluating them. Admitting. Learning. Growing. Moving forward.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
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