Letter to a friend (Revision #6)

This is the letter I finally settled on giving to my "friend" that I referred to in the "Betrayal" post. I've been sitting on it for quite a while now, editing and re-editing... watering it down and firing it up... and I finally decided on this EWD (Extremely Watered-Down)version. I tried to be gracious but honest... and there were definitely some things that I needed to say to her. I'm trusting God to say all the things that I wanted to that I held back. What do you think?

Dear ***,

I have a few things that I’m finally ready to say, so please read this and hear my heart.

First of all, I haven’t told anyone about anything, and I won’t. I did ask *** (a mutual friend) to check on you and I told her that things had changed with our friendship, but that’s it. It was out of concern for you; I didn’t want you to feel like you were all alone. I also asked her not to even share this with her husband so that as few people knew as possible. This will not get out at church. My sister and I have decided that our parents will never know- we think their health is too fragile and we wouldn’t want to upset them or embarrass you.

Only my husband, ***, and I know (we didn’t tell the worship pastor). My husband told *** because he’s the youth pastor and it was important that he had the information because you’ve worked with youth. Technically, we could get into a lot of trouble for not reporting this, and I pray it never comes back to bite us. Our justification for not reporting you is that this happened between you and our own nephew, and not a child of a family in the church.

I’ve been worried about the relationships you’ve formed with several of the youth for a long time- and we had even talked about it on several occasions- especially when you and your husband were going through your separation. You’ve had intensely close (and now I know inappropriate, with at least one) bonds that go beyond the appropriate sponsor/youth relationship. There are also remarks you’ve made that have really bothered me, whether to a youth or in front of them… but I don’t even want to get into all of that. It seems to me that you’ve been playing with fire for a long time.

I want to encourage you to pick yourself up and take care of yourself right now for the sake of your kids and yourself. You need to get into some Christian counseling as soon as possible and take some steps to get your life back under control; and be honest about what you’ve done, and figure out what’s going on. You need some accountability in your life and someone that can give you godly advice.

I have to say this next thing, and I’ll say it as kindly as possible: things have changed between us. I can no longer be the person that you hang out with, that holds you accountable, or gives you advice. Honestly, I don’t even want to have a face to face conversation about this. I’ve been too angry and have felt betrayed, but I’m working through it, just like I’m working through my feelings/anger towards my nephew. I forgive you, but please know that things are forever changed.

It is my wish that you never contact my nephews again in any way, and not to respond if they contact you, whether via phone, text, or Facebook. Your contact with my son will be limited. Your respecting these few things will make this much easier for me, and for everyone involved.

I know the last thing you want is to hear me saying what you “need” right now… but ***, you need to be in church, whether it’s here or somewhere else, and I think you know this. You need to be there every time the doors are open seeking God’s face and seeking healing. Your kids need to be in church and your husband needs to understand how important this is if he has them on Sundays. They need to be learning they can rely on God during their tough times and see their parents leading by example.

I want to stress that you are truly welcome at our church; I would never ignore you, and of course I will always be kind and friendly.

I also understand if you choose to make a fresh start somewhere else. It might be a great thing to find a church that has a support group for single moms or some kind of divorce care. A larger church like Calvary Chapel might have some of these programs. Whatever you decide, do take care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I believe you can pull this together and have a happy, healthy life- that’s exactly what God wants for you.

You will be in my prayers and thanks for taking the time to read this.