Wednesday, October 29, 2008
god is in control... god is in control... god is in control
I just wrote paychecks for everyone on staff but my husband and me.
Monday, October 27, 2008
stressed...
Not enough in the offering to make payroll on Friday. A plea goes out tomorrow. The horrible economy has affected the church too. Lord, please provide for your church and your people.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
God is good...
What does He bring us after a horrible night at youth group? A woman who came in today who has been attending recently- coming from the Jehovah's Witness faith. She walked in and said, "I know this is the right way to go. I need to be saved today and I want to be baptized as soon as possible!" My husband talked with her for a little while and then she prayed her sweet sinner's prayer. They are talking about dates for her baptism.
God gave us a reminder that we need to keep moving forward and keep pushing... and a reminder that what we're doing is worth it. :) What a great day.
God gave us a reminder that we need to keep moving forward and keep pushing... and a reminder that what we're doing is worth it. :) What a great day.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Pleease Release Me... Let Me Gooooo-
For I don't love you anymore.... (from a really old, really bad Jim Reeves song... look it up!)
So, my dad told us something one time that was pretty smart. When my husband and I were contemplating leaving a church we had attended for ten years (before we went into the ministry)- we asked him how we would know when/if the time was right. He told us to remain in constant prayer and communion with God and that if it was His will for us to move on, that we would both feel a "release" from him in our spirit. He was right. It didn't come quickly, and it didn't come without pain... but when the time was right, God let us know it was time to go.
I've been praying for months to be released from youth group- from being a sponsor. I'm just so done with it. It has been a tough situation week after week. We have an amazing youth pastor who is wasted on a bunch of punk kids. Harsh words, I know. Terrible words coming from a pastor's wife... but this is my place of honesty and humanity. The kids who are coming for the right reasons are not able to get anything from it because of the few that disrupt everything and keep everyone from learning. Over and over I've prayed for release. And over and over, God has said nope... you have to stay.
We made a big decision tonight- our y.p. is going to call a few of them and tell them they can't come back next week. One girl has been in physical altercations the past two weeks, and another kid and his sister actually brought pot and showed it to one of our sponsors (uh, DUH). They are the main trouble and instigators... and if they are not allowed to come, a few others will no doubt fail to show up.
We are changing the format starting the week after next- separating jr. & sr. high- which is so hard because we are a plant church, so we don't have space unless it's rented or in someone's home- but we are seeing that it is absolutely necessary at this point. We are changing all "youth groups" to more of a Bible Study format, to meet the needs of our kids who do want to learn and grow... and we have so many of them. They will be smaller and more focused. We believe the kids who are coming for the wrong reasons and are so distracting will fall away. We plan to have monthly outreach activities so we don't lose contact with them and can try to bring them along from that point... it's just that, after this week... bringing them along won't be at the expense of the kids who actually do want to get to better know Christ.
It was funny in a horrible sort of way tonight... one of the girls who likes to think of herself as a gang-banger (again, we grow wheat and have lots of goats and farm-y things out here!) was being so defiant and challenging tonight. I went back and sat on the floor right in the middle of her little "posse" and actually asked her, "Why are you here?" She wouldn't answer me or make eye contact. She tried to quietly say to one of her friends, "Maybe we should just leave!" and I turned around and said, "You want to leave? I'd be happy to walk you to the door. Let me help you up..." and that shut her up for maybe 5 minutes. ugh. So frustrating. I am afraid there is going to be a drug deal or a fight one night and that we don't have a safe environment for our kids.
So next week should be better without a few select people there... and then we're changing things after that. I think maybe I have a little ray of hope. Please, God... give us some victories. we need them. Oh, and if You can reconsider the whole "releasing me" thing... I'd appreciate it.
Yeah, that's what I thought. :)
So, my dad told us something one time that was pretty smart. When my husband and I were contemplating leaving a church we had attended for ten years (before we went into the ministry)- we asked him how we would know when/if the time was right. He told us to remain in constant prayer and communion with God and that if it was His will for us to move on, that we would both feel a "release" from him in our spirit. He was right. It didn't come quickly, and it didn't come without pain... but when the time was right, God let us know it was time to go.
I've been praying for months to be released from youth group- from being a sponsor. I'm just so done with it. It has been a tough situation week after week. We have an amazing youth pastor who is wasted on a bunch of punk kids. Harsh words, I know. Terrible words coming from a pastor's wife... but this is my place of honesty and humanity. The kids who are coming for the right reasons are not able to get anything from it because of the few that disrupt everything and keep everyone from learning. Over and over I've prayed for release. And over and over, God has said nope... you have to stay.
We made a big decision tonight- our y.p. is going to call a few of them and tell them they can't come back next week. One girl has been in physical altercations the past two weeks, and another kid and his sister actually brought pot and showed it to one of our sponsors (uh, DUH). They are the main trouble and instigators... and if they are not allowed to come, a few others will no doubt fail to show up.
We are changing the format starting the week after next- separating jr. & sr. high- which is so hard because we are a plant church, so we don't have space unless it's rented or in someone's home- but we are seeing that it is absolutely necessary at this point. We are changing all "youth groups" to more of a Bible Study format, to meet the needs of our kids who do want to learn and grow... and we have so many of them. They will be smaller and more focused. We believe the kids who are coming for the wrong reasons and are so distracting will fall away. We plan to have monthly outreach activities so we don't lose contact with them and can try to bring them along from that point... it's just that, after this week... bringing them along won't be at the expense of the kids who actually do want to get to better know Christ.
It was funny in a horrible sort of way tonight... one of the girls who likes to think of herself as a gang-banger (again, we grow wheat and have lots of goats and farm-y things out here!) was being so defiant and challenging tonight. I went back and sat on the floor right in the middle of her little "posse" and actually asked her, "Why are you here?" She wouldn't answer me or make eye contact. She tried to quietly say to one of her friends, "Maybe we should just leave!" and I turned around and said, "You want to leave? I'd be happy to walk you to the door. Let me help you up..." and that shut her up for maybe 5 minutes. ugh. So frustrating. I am afraid there is going to be a drug deal or a fight one night and that we don't have a safe environment for our kids.
So next week should be better without a few select people there... and then we're changing things after that. I think maybe I have a little ray of hope. Please, God... give us some victories. we need them. Oh, and if You can reconsider the whole "releasing me" thing... I'd appreciate it.
Yeah, that's what I thought. :)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
It's Saturday night...
and I'm so tired. Had an emotional, but good meeting with my bi-polar bear today. It was tough but ended well. I've realized the past three years when I officially became a "pastor's wife" that I just can't please everyone. I guess I've known that in my head, but knowing and letting things roll off your back are two completely different things. Why does ministry have to be so hard? I know, I know... would I like some cheese with my whine? :)
Well, going to bed- a long, plant-church day tomorrow- massive set up and tear down with a little bit of trying to be all things to all people thrown in the middle. God, give me your joy and strength.
Well, going to bed- a long, plant-church day tomorrow- massive set up and tear down with a little bit of trying to be all things to all people thrown in the middle. God, give me your joy and strength.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Bi-Polar Bears
Can I just vent for a moment here? Because He must think we can handle them, God has sent our church several women who have Bi-Polar disorder. If you don’t know anything about this illness, it’s characterized by extreme highs which then swing to extreme lows.
In the beginning, it was extremely easy to deal with. In fact, the first woman that we were aware of was one of the hardest workers and founding members of our plant church. We always saw her “up” and happy. There would be month-long stretches where she wouldn’t make it to church and her family would tell us that she was home with a “headache”. Then she would suddenly show back up again. We didn’t know there was actually a legitimate issue until my husband was asked by her to help her deal with a marital issue. It was here that we found out she had bi-polar disorder… and we did our best to love her through it all.
The year her middle daughter graduated from high school, her youngest graduated from middle school. She was under a ton of stress planning parties and she was also upset about the wording of something in the bulletin that week. She showed up after youth group one night and, I think the terminology is…“ripped me a new one.” Made me cry, the whole nine yards. In the middle of it, I wasn’t thinking, “She has Bi-Polar disorder… this isn’t her.” I was just hurt. When I got home and thought about it, I knew I shouldn’t take it so personally- that this wasn’t my friend. She called the next week and apologized. That’s how it was with her… constantly up and down and feeling like the “responsible” person in the relationship, because she couldn’t control herself. She tragically took her life during one of her lows about two years ago.
Her death greatly affected another woman in our congregation who was also bi-polar, even worse than my friend, I think. She went into a deep depression and then, as she started to come out of the depression, decided to start a LifeGroup, which our church supported and encouraged her in doing. We tapped into the DBSA (Depression & Bi-polar Support Alliance) and became charter members. The group has remained intact, meeting faithfully, even through her recent hospitalization for severe depression.
She, however, never apologizes for anything ugly that she says. Her bi-polar is a crutch… a get-out-of-jail free card so that she can say whatever she wants to whomever she wants. Usually it’s me she finds a way of making feel lousy. Since she came out of the hospital, she’s been emailing me deep theological questions and I have literally been spending hours researching and responding to her emails, I take time from my family after I get home to be a friend to her. It never fails that I’ll say something that offends her in one way or another, and believe me, knowing this; I take great care in being very careful about how I word things.
She sent me another snippy response today, and I’m just about fed up. I have loved her until I’m used up and I know I have to keep loving her more. I’m just angry about it right now.
It doesn’t matter if my feelings are hurt, because once again, I am the responsible party in the relationship, and I’m supposed to be able to let things just roll off my back, no matter how ugly she is to me. It’s not fair that she can say whatever she wants with no consequences…just an easy shifting of the blame. What she said today insinuated that she thought I had “forgotten about her” again, after many times of doing it before. Which is bunk. It obviously doesn’t occur to her that she isn’t the only person in our congregation of 300 that we are caring for and the effort that I put into our friendship that is SO not worth it.
As I was writing this, the perfect name for this entry came to me… because she does act like an angry, hungry bear that attacks and takes no prisoners; and she makes me feel like the prey. I dread our interactions. Hey, I know all the right answers; what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to react. And I’m always going to do the right thing, the thing Jesus would do. But I’m human, and I have feelings. And these, though they aren’t pretty… are them. GRRRRRR.
In the beginning, it was extremely easy to deal with. In fact, the first woman that we were aware of was one of the hardest workers and founding members of our plant church. We always saw her “up” and happy. There would be month-long stretches where she wouldn’t make it to church and her family would tell us that she was home with a “headache”. Then she would suddenly show back up again. We didn’t know there was actually a legitimate issue until my husband was asked by her to help her deal with a marital issue. It was here that we found out she had bi-polar disorder… and we did our best to love her through it all.
The year her middle daughter graduated from high school, her youngest graduated from middle school. She was under a ton of stress planning parties and she was also upset about the wording of something in the bulletin that week. She showed up after youth group one night and, I think the terminology is…“ripped me a new one.” Made me cry, the whole nine yards. In the middle of it, I wasn’t thinking, “She has Bi-Polar disorder… this isn’t her.” I was just hurt. When I got home and thought about it, I knew I shouldn’t take it so personally- that this wasn’t my friend. She called the next week and apologized. That’s how it was with her… constantly up and down and feeling like the “responsible” person in the relationship, because she couldn’t control herself. She tragically took her life during one of her lows about two years ago.
Her death greatly affected another woman in our congregation who was also bi-polar, even worse than my friend, I think. She went into a deep depression and then, as she started to come out of the depression, decided to start a LifeGroup, which our church supported and encouraged her in doing. We tapped into the DBSA (Depression & Bi-polar Support Alliance) and became charter members. The group has remained intact, meeting faithfully, even through her recent hospitalization for severe depression.
She, however, never apologizes for anything ugly that she says. Her bi-polar is a crutch… a get-out-of-jail free card so that she can say whatever she wants to whomever she wants. Usually it’s me she finds a way of making feel lousy. Since she came out of the hospital, she’s been emailing me deep theological questions and I have literally been spending hours researching and responding to her emails, I take time from my family after I get home to be a friend to her. It never fails that I’ll say something that offends her in one way or another, and believe me, knowing this; I take great care in being very careful about how I word things.
She sent me another snippy response today, and I’m just about fed up. I have loved her until I’m used up and I know I have to keep loving her more. I’m just angry about it right now.
It doesn’t matter if my feelings are hurt, because once again, I am the responsible party in the relationship, and I’m supposed to be able to let things just roll off my back, no matter how ugly she is to me. It’s not fair that she can say whatever she wants with no consequences…just an easy shifting of the blame. What she said today insinuated that she thought I had “forgotten about her” again, after many times of doing it before. Which is bunk. It obviously doesn’t occur to her that she isn’t the only person in our congregation of 300 that we are caring for and the effort that I put into our friendship that is SO not worth it.
As I was writing this, the perfect name for this entry came to me… because she does act like an angry, hungry bear that attacks and takes no prisoners; and she makes me feel like the prey. I dread our interactions. Hey, I know all the right answers; what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to react. And I’m always going to do the right thing, the thing Jesus would do. But I’m human, and I have feelings. And these, though they aren’t pretty… are them. GRRRRRR.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Ridiculousness
Seriously, I live in a tiny, country town about thirty miles outside of Denver. Cow Country. We grow wheat and sunflowers. There are goats and pigs down the road. And still we have stupid kids trying to be "gangster" with their pants around their knees and the girls acting like... well, not like girls.
At youth group tonight, two girls were talking trash to each other all night long trying to act all bad. So stupid. Thank God I told another sponsor that she needed to keep her eyes on one and I would watch the other afterward because there was going to be a fight if we didn't.
And there was. Luckily, we separated them and broke it up before anything more than words were exchanged. I'm so angry. Youth group is getting harder and harder for me because the crowd of kids we have coming are so difficult and disrespectful. The really need Jesus. But thank goodness I was there tonight. I called the High School principal and gave him a heads up that the two girls were going to be looking for each other tomorrow- that made me feel a little better.
Deep cleansing breath............... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
At youth group tonight, two girls were talking trash to each other all night long trying to act all bad. So stupid. Thank God I told another sponsor that she needed to keep her eyes on one and I would watch the other afterward because there was going to be a fight if we didn't.
And there was. Luckily, we separated them and broke it up before anything more than words were exchanged. I'm so angry. Youth group is getting harder and harder for me because the crowd of kids we have coming are so difficult and disrespectful. The really need Jesus. But thank goodness I was there tonight. I called the High School principal and gave him a heads up that the two girls were going to be looking for each other tomorrow- that made me feel a little better.
Deep cleansing breath............... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Weirdest end to a church service ever...
It was a great day yesterday- 300 plus people... an awesome message... amazing worship... and a seizure (or something of that nature). We made it through the first service with ease. Towards the end of the second service, sweet Dorothy, an 80 year old lady that attends with her daughter, very loudly keeled over. Lots of moaning and commotion ensued- donn stopped the message to deal with the situation - and had the worship pastor come out and pray for her with the congregation. Kevin prayed, and then dismissed the service about 20 minutes early in the middle of the message. Paramedics were called, and kept Dorothy in the ambulance in the school parking lot for a few minutes- when she got out and walked across the parking lot to her daughter's car. Come to find out, Dorothy has a potassium deficiency and the doctors can never figure out why, but about three times a year, this is how it affects her.
I can't tell you how many people said to me, "Man, Donn was really killing 'em today!" after we found out that Dorothy was ok and headed for home. It was one of those things that you laugh at really hard and then feel extremely guilty for... and then say to someone else. :)
I can't tell you how many people said to me, "Man, Donn was really killing 'em today!" after we found out that Dorothy was ok and headed for home. It was one of those things that you laugh at really hard and then feel extremely guilty for... and then say to someone else. :)
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Sitting at home
While everyone is wandering through the corn maze at Chatfield. I wanted to go, but we're also supposed to go to the Bronco game tomorrow and I know that if I spent three hours walking around on my messed up knee in the freezing cold tonight, there would be no chance of me making it to the game tomorrow. I'm frustrated. I just want to be healthy.
Monday morning, I promise to contact my orthopedic doctor and let him know I think we need to move to the next step before my knee replacement surgery. I just want to be healthy and feel good again. I guess that here, in this space, I shouldn't feel guilty about whining.
This sucks.
Monday morning, I promise to contact my orthopedic doctor and let him know I think we need to move to the next step before my knee replacement surgery. I just want to be healthy and feel good again. I guess that here, in this space, I shouldn't feel guilty about whining.
This sucks.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
whew...and grrrr.
The dinner went great. Only 17 of the 30 showed up (21 of us total), which made things much more managable. Jeff and Shannon hosted with us and it turned out to be a pretty fun night. Of course there's always the one couple who is starved for friendship that stays way too late- but other than that it was an ok night.
Did I mention that I hate women's ministry? Oh yeah, in my very first post. Well, I still do. I know it's not politically correct for a pw, but I'm trying to have one place where I can be honest. One of the reasons is what's going on with our women's ministry team right now. I am part of it because I have to be, and I pretend to like it. I am the liason between the team and the office... scheduling events, doing the graphic design work, and putting the info out to the church. I'm the P.R. gal.
The last meeting we had, the girls decided to elect officers (fine, whatever). Two volunteered for secretary & treasurer, and one reluctantly volunteered for the President position. There were five other women sitting in the meeting and not one of them would volunteer for vice president. It went on and on... with them nominating each other and the person vehemently saying no to accepting the position. So finally, we left with no VP. That was last Saturday. On Sunday, several of us got a text from the new President saying that she had asked a lady who had not previously been involved with the planning team to be her VP and she accepted. This lady has come to most of our events, but not the planning of the events. This put the rest of the team up in arms because the new VP hadn't previously "proven" herself. Seriously. When no one would else was willing to volunteer for the position.
Let me just say that really ticks me off. At this point, what right do they have to be upset?
Come to find out, one of the planning team members mentioned it to her husband (an elder) who acted like a total chick about it, got really mad, and told my husband, the pastor. Yeah. And it all boils down to this new VP not being a favorite of a couple of the members of the women's ministry planning team because her son had an accident on another elder's ATV and wasn't able to pay for the damages.
Does that even make sense? So THIS (the planning team drama) isn't even about THAT (asking a new VP on board who hadn't previously served). It's about THIS: (money). All that to say, it's stupid. I don't have patience for drama among adult women. It's only one of the reasons that I hate women's ministry. How can you put that many hormones and opinions and PMS cycles into one room and have a positive outcome?
I basically told one of the women who was upset that since no one would volunteer, no one has the right to say anything. I do think the new President should have run her idea by some of the team members before asking this lady to fill the position as a courtesy... but that's about it. I feel like, because no one stepped up to help her, she was justified in seeking out help. And both the new President and Vice President should have the chance to proove themselves.
Lord, come quickly. I will not pray for Grace or Patience... because I'm afraid of how You'll give them to me... probably with more fun in the wonderful world of womens ministry.
Did I mention that I hate women's ministry? Oh yeah, in my very first post. Well, I still do. I know it's not politically correct for a pw, but I'm trying to have one place where I can be honest. One of the reasons is what's going on with our women's ministry team right now. I am part of it because I have to be, and I pretend to like it. I am the liason between the team and the office... scheduling events, doing the graphic design work, and putting the info out to the church. I'm the P.R. gal.
The last meeting we had, the girls decided to elect officers (fine, whatever). Two volunteered for secretary & treasurer, and one reluctantly volunteered for the President position. There were five other women sitting in the meeting and not one of them would volunteer for vice president. It went on and on... with them nominating each other and the person vehemently saying no to accepting the position. So finally, we left with no VP. That was last Saturday. On Sunday, several of us got a text from the new President saying that she had asked a lady who had not previously been involved with the planning team to be her VP and she accepted. This lady has come to most of our events, but not the planning of the events. This put the rest of the team up in arms because the new VP hadn't previously "proven" herself. Seriously. When no one would else was willing to volunteer for the position.
Let me just say that really ticks me off. At this point, what right do they have to be upset?
Come to find out, one of the planning team members mentioned it to her husband (an elder) who acted like a total chick about it, got really mad, and told my husband, the pastor. Yeah. And it all boils down to this new VP not being a favorite of a couple of the members of the women's ministry planning team because her son had an accident on another elder's ATV and wasn't able to pay for the damages.
Does that even make sense? So THIS (the planning team drama) isn't even about THAT (asking a new VP on board who hadn't previously served). It's about THIS: (money). All that to say, it's stupid. I don't have patience for drama among adult women. It's only one of the reasons that I hate women's ministry. How can you put that many hormones and opinions and PMS cycles into one room and have a positive outcome?
I basically told one of the women who was upset that since no one would volunteer, no one has the right to say anything. I do think the new President should have run her idea by some of the team members before asking this lady to fill the position as a courtesy... but that's about it. I feel like, because no one stepped up to help her, she was justified in seeking out help. And both the new President and Vice President should have the chance to proove themselves.
Lord, come quickly. I will not pray for Grace or Patience... because I'm afraid of how You'll give them to me... probably with more fun in the wonderful world of womens ministry.
ugh.
Newcomer's Dinner at my house tonight. Over 30 people are signed up. I know this is a GOOD thing, but I'm dreading it. Just having to be "on". We got the house cleaned and looking great last night- so today is running to Sam's Club, the grocery store, and then cooking. I think this is our last event this week during what has been a really busy week. Oh wait, we have dinner with another new couple on Friday that wanted "private time" with us. sigh. I'm totally staying home tomorrow night and watching The Office as my reward for being an extroverted introvert tonight.
God, thank you for all you're doing in our church... help me to be what you've called me to be and to bring you glory. And thank you for an outlet. I know you're reading this.
Originally published October 8, 2008
God, thank you for all you're doing in our church... help me to be what you've called me to be and to bring you glory. And thank you for an outlet. I know you're reading this.
Originally published October 8, 2008
it's a shame...
that i need this space. that i don't feel like i can just be me and share openly. but i don't feel that i can. there isn't one person in my life right now, apart from my husband, that i am able to speak freely with... and sometimes, he just doesn't get it (am i supposed to say "bless his heart" here?).
Pssst... i have a "real" blog... another one where life is mostly happy and sunny and i wax poetic quite a bit. but here's our secret... this one is really the "real" one. i have spent the past two days depressed and full of anxiety. i've tried repeatedly to get hold of the one friend, other than my husband, that i can talk to. the one that i've been through hell and high water with... and our friendship has survived for the most part. but he's busy with his life. i've tried calling, texting, emailing, and skyping... don't know what else to do. and i don't want to enter the stalker category... so instead, i'll create a new email address, a new identity, and a new blog so that i have a place in this world where i can be me and not be worried about someone finding out how i really feel and deciding that i should feel differently than i do. i can write and not worry. i guess that's it for now. i'll be back.
P.S. I hate women's ministry!
Originally written October 7, 2008
Pssst... i have a "real" blog... another one where life is mostly happy and sunny and i wax poetic quite a bit. but here's our secret... this one is really the "real" one. i have spent the past two days depressed and full of anxiety. i've tried repeatedly to get hold of the one friend, other than my husband, that i can talk to. the one that i've been through hell and high water with... and our friendship has survived for the most part. but he's busy with his life. i've tried calling, texting, emailing, and skyping... don't know what else to do. and i don't want to enter the stalker category... so instead, i'll create a new email address, a new identity, and a new blog so that i have a place in this world where i can be me and not be worried about someone finding out how i really feel and deciding that i should feel differently than i do. i can write and not worry. i guess that's it for now. i'll be back.
P.S. I hate women's ministry!
Originally written October 7, 2008
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