Letter to a friend (Revision #6)

This is the letter I finally settled on giving to my "friend" that I referred to in the "Betrayal" post. I've been sitting on it for quite a while now, editing and re-editing... watering it down and firing it up... and I finally decided on this EWD (Extremely Watered-Down)version. I tried to be gracious but honest... and there were definitely some things that I needed to say to her. I'm trusting God to say all the things that I wanted to that I held back. What do you think?

Dear ***,

I have a few things that I’m finally ready to say, so please read this and hear my heart.

First of all, I haven’t told anyone about anything, and I won’t. I did ask *** (a mutual friend) to check on you and I told her that things had changed with our friendship, but that’s it. It was out of concern for you; I didn’t want you to feel like you were all alone. I also asked her not to even share this with her husband so that as few people knew as possible. This will not get out at church. My sister and I have decided that our parents will never know- we think their health is too fragile and we wouldn’t want to upset them or embarrass you.

Only my husband, ***, and I know (we didn’t tell the worship pastor). My husband told *** because he’s the youth pastor and it was important that he had the information because you’ve worked with youth. Technically, we could get into a lot of trouble for not reporting this, and I pray it never comes back to bite us. Our justification for not reporting you is that this happened between you and our own nephew, and not a child of a family in the church.

I’ve been worried about the relationships you’ve formed with several of the youth for a long time- and we had even talked about it on several occasions- especially when you and your husband were going through your separation. You’ve had intensely close (and now I know inappropriate, with at least one) bonds that go beyond the appropriate sponsor/youth relationship. There are also remarks you’ve made that have really bothered me, whether to a youth or in front of them… but I don’t even want to get into all of that. It seems to me that you’ve been playing with fire for a long time.

I want to encourage you to pick yourself up and take care of yourself right now for the sake of your kids and yourself. You need to get into some Christian counseling as soon as possible and take some steps to get your life back under control; and be honest about what you’ve done, and figure out what’s going on. You need some accountability in your life and someone that can give you godly advice.

I have to say this next thing, and I’ll say it as kindly as possible: things have changed between us. I can no longer be the person that you hang out with, that holds you accountable, or gives you advice. Honestly, I don’t even want to have a face to face conversation about this. I’ve been too angry and have felt betrayed, but I’m working through it, just like I’m working through my feelings/anger towards my nephew. I forgive you, but please know that things are forever changed.

It is my wish that you never contact my nephews again in any way, and not to respond if they contact you, whether via phone, text, or Facebook. Your contact with my son will be limited. Your respecting these few things will make this much easier for me, and for everyone involved.

I know the last thing you want is to hear me saying what you “need” right now… but ***, you need to be in church, whether it’s here or somewhere else, and I think you know this. You need to be there every time the doors are open seeking God’s face and seeking healing. Your kids need to be in church and your husband needs to understand how important this is if he has them on Sundays. They need to be learning they can rely on God during their tough times and see their parents leading by example.

I want to stress that you are truly welcome at our church; I would never ignore you, and of course I will always be kind and friendly.

I also understand if you choose to make a fresh start somewhere else. It might be a great thing to find a church that has a support group for single moms or some kind of divorce care. A larger church like Calvary Chapel might have some of these programs. Whatever you decide, do take care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I believe you can pull this together and have a happy, healthy life- that’s exactly what God wants for you.

You will be in my prayers and thanks for taking the time to read this.

When it rains...

Bearing in mind that this is my venting blog... be warned.

My last blog alluded to this situation, and it seems I am so gullible that I keep falling for the same thing over and over. Am I so starved for friendship? Answer: apparently. I was not prepared for the isolation I would feel as a pw.

Two families in the church, one suing the other for something in which there is no physical proof. Restraining orders, etc... It's a mess. We've tried to be there for BOTH families and support them both- not take sides... ministering to everyone involved. Donn takes care of the men in the families, and I've been dealing with the wives. We haven't taken sides- we've loved everyone through this- or tried to at least.

I thought I was forming a good friendship with one of the women in particular... we had lunch several times and I felt we were moving way past the basis of our friendship only being me ministering to her... does that make sense? I thought it was reciprocal.

In the course of my obligations as a pw, I met with the other woman, prayed with her and encouraged her. Can you see this coming? Woman #1 "found out" I met with woman #2 and stopped answering my calls or wanting to have anything to do with me. When I did manage to check in with her... she was "super busy" and couldn't talk... yadda yadda yadda.

So. Tired. Of. This. It's high school. So yeah, upon re-evaluation of our "friendship"- it was all about her wanting my husband and I to publically take sides and once she saw that wasn't going to happen... poof.

I have to figure out a way to keep this from hurting... from taking it personally every time. What am I supposed to be learning from this? Not to let anyone close to my heart? It seems with each try I get more discouraged. This past week I found that one "friend" betrayed me and the other wasn't really a friend in the first place.

I know God is my refuge and hiding place and that He can fill the holes I feel. He hears my cries. Lord, give me your strength and your peace. I know this life isn't all about me and that there's a purpose for it. Give me the grace to learn what you are teaching me.

giving chase and getting caught

i wonder if true friendship can be determined by how much time someone makes for you? if you're important to them, the time comes easily. there aren't constant excuses about how busy they are or how crazy their life is. it gets old and you start to wonder where they're really at, and your feelings get hurt when you feel ignored. not that i haven't ever been guilty of making these excuses to anyone- but when you're getting them yourself, you wonder what's real. i think that if you have to chase them for their time, maybe you should back up and re-evaluate. what does it mean? words are just words unless action backs them up. it hurts when you chase and get blown off over and over again.

i could say the same thing about my relationship with Christ... do my actions back up the things i confess with my mouth? i know He chases me... do i have the time for Him? do i let Him catch me? not always.

Lord, catch me and help me know what's really worth chasing.

Weeds be Gone

A friend pointed out to me (thanks Breanna) what a wonderful shepherd my husband is for protecting me from this. And he is. I had overlooked that.

He went yesterday evening and spoke with my "friend" for over an hour. She admitted everything, and then some. Said she knew how stupid it was, how sorry she was, and that she wouldn't blame me if I never spoke to her again. Donn said she cried the whole time.

At this point, her tears don't move me. Looking back, I feel like she has lied to me about other things as well- but I'm not going to give it the time of day anymore. I feel like I can be done with this, once I get the thoughts out of my head. I know... whatsoever is pure, noble, righteous... think on these things. I'm working on forgetting. I will be kind to her if I see her- though I doubt she will continue at our church. Eventually when we speak or correspond, I will encourage her to be involved at a church- whether it's ours somewhere else. I'm going to call our mutual friend Kerri and let her know (with no details) that we have had a falling out and have worked through it as best as possible, but that our friend will be needing someone to lean on and that she should check on her. I will not allow any details to get out. The only people that know are my husband, the youth/children's pastor out of safety and necessity, and one dear and trustworthy friend of mine who has no contact with her at all. If I don't have an outlet other than my husband on this one, I'll drive us both crazy.

I haven't even begun to deal with my feelings towards my nephew yet. We have had several (large) and hurtful incidents with him since my brother's death two years ago. I'm sure some of it is due to his personal pain concerning his parent's divorce when he was 11 and then his dad's death when he was 16- but he struggled with arrogance and rebellion while my brother was alive- so this isn't all about that. And my relationship with him isn't something I can cleanly cut out of my life... he's all we have left of my brother. I will work through it and deal with it as we get together, but I have a feeling that won't be until the next major holiday when the family gets together. Until then, I'll be praying. I don't feel like I can talk with him lovingly and objectively right now, especially as unapologetic as my sister said he is.

We aren't telling our 75 year old parents for fear it will affect their fragile health. They cling to our nephew (their grandson) and can't take any negative news concerning him. My sister and I will practice our Steel Magnolia routine and pull each other through just like we did when David died so suddenly. What else are sisters for?

All in all... in the midst of a horrible situation, God has taken care of us. Of course he has.

I think I'm going to go outside today and thank Him for that as I pull some weeds... literally and metaphorically.

Betrayal.

Not too long ago, I walked with one of my good friends through her divorce. She's about 36 or 37 with two kids- has been at our church since basically the beginning, and we've always been close. She's loud, fun, and sometimes extremely embarrassing to me, because I prefer not to be the center of attention. But I've tried hard to be a good friend to her, especially through her divorce. And it's been exhausting- social services was involved, the police were involved... you name it. It has not been fun. A month ago several people from the church, myself and my husband included spent about 8 hours helping her move to a new place... and then Donn and I spent another three getting her sound/tv/sattlelite hooked up. We have invested a lot in this relationship.

It's been difficult because in the throes of her divorce, she felt "the church" wasn't doing enough for her. She cussed me out (loudly) in the church parking lot with tons of people around- letting me know that she thought all this stuff we spouted was BS. Honestly at that point, I didn't know what else we could be doing for her- she wouldn't ask for help and was often offended when it was offered. She was putting the blame on the church instead of turning to God- she was trying to fill the hole in her life with the wrong things- people. Anyway, we worked through that, and I've been busting my butt ever since trying to "be there" for her.

Last Summer two of our nephews came to stay with us for a couple of months. Both were 17. They went to a church camp with us, which this friend of mine also sponsored at. She had them over several times to watch movies. They both returned home to begin their senior year in early August. One of my nephews who was here last summer lives with my sister since our brother's death two years ago. Just a week ago he got into trouble with my sister and had his cell phone taken away.

The next day my sister, being the wise woman that she is, went through his messages. She found sexting. Lots of it. With lines like, "I can't wait to be with you again." And pictures. Of nipples and such. She couldn't put the name to the girl and thought maybe it was someone from last summer (at my house). Did a little digging, talked to our nephew and he admitted it.

It was my 37 year old "friend." Yeah. Sexting with my then 17 year old nephew. Sending him pics of her breasts. He has since turned 18. The latest incident was this past april. That's like two months ago. He told my sister that basically everything but penetration happened.

I finally know the meaning of the word flabbergasted. This is a woman who told someone two days ago that I was her best friend. I don't mean to make this about me- but I feel so incredibly betrayed. My nephew is arrogant and fine- this was a conquest for him. I am beginning to wonder if he is beyond reach.

I told my pastor-husband who is beyond angry, but much calmer than I am. Luckily I'm down with strep throat right now and don't have the energy to kill her at present. But there's going to be a confrontation. My sister saw the messages, my brother in law saw the messages, and my nephew admitted it. My husband said we need to pray before we go into this. He named all the things she could be arrested for (he was a cop for 10 years)... and she has worked with our teenagers for heaven's sake! Looking back, she has lied to me in the past about things like this- when I felt she was getting too close to some of the teens.

Is this grounds to ask someone to leave a church? I understand she will NEVER work with youth or children again. But as mad as I am, I know she needs Jesus. I'm afraid if we ask her to leave our fellowship because I can't stand the sight of her, she'll never return to church. I don't want to be responsible for that. And once I've said what I have to say to her, I can treat her with civility and kindness. I can keep her dirty little secret and not ruin her reputation. I can love her as Christ wants me to, but I will never be her friend again. My nephew will not be returning to stay with me again. We can meet at my mom's house about 80 miles away so there won't be a danger of them getting together.

I'm so angry I can't even pray about this yet. I guess I need to be praying for God to help me pray about this.

Advice anyone? What in the world do we do? How do we handle this? What is godly? Is threatening her wrong (something along the lines of "if you turn this back on the church or me not "being there for you" anymore- I will be happy to explain to whoever you complain to the reason for my withdrawal" and threaten to expose what she did? or should that come out regardless?) Please pray that I will hear from God about this, and quickly... because we aren't going to wait long to confront her.

Uncomfortable confrontation coming...

Angry. Sad. Flabbergasted. In shock. Betrayed, on so many levels. By a "close friend." Add to that a flaming Lupus flare up and a freshly diagnosed case of Strep Throat and life is just peachy. I'll write more tomorrow while I'm recopuing in bed- my fall asleep pill is finally working, because I can't bear to think anymore. Good night and I'll be needing advice tomorrow. Good Grief, Charlie Brown. Our little church is under attack. My family is under attack. Good things must be going on.

Love to you and I'll write tomorrow- If I'm not in jail for murdering someone who thinks they are my "best friend". I wonder if we could use our helpline fund at the church for bail? Until then... g'night.

Frickety Frick Frick FRICK!

So if you aren't comfortable hearing about my hormones, stop here. Fair warning.

Ok, I'm ticked off. I have Lupus- systemic (internal) and discoid (skin rash). Generally, it sucks, but I was diagnosed at 18 and am used to living with it, managing it, and listening to my body. It's either listen to what my body is telling me or or wait a little too long when I haven't been feeling good for a while and experience something like losing kidney function or having my liver shut down (both of which I experienced in the first 10 years with separate Lupus flare-ups). By the way, that's how Lupus works... it's either quiet or it's flaring up. The flares include increased arthritis, fever, funky stuff going on with my blood that makes me sick, fatigue, my immune system eating itself and the infamous butterfly rash across my face. When I have a flare, it can literally take months for things to calm down again- I've been sick for a couple of years straight at times with symptoms full time.

I have been basically symptom-free for about two years- I came completely off steroids, have had no rash on my face, minimal arthritis... very few complications. It has been amazing. And it's over. I'm praying that it's for just a short while... that this flare disappears in the two months it took to develop.

The reason it's over? I trusted my ob-gyn. And my rheumatologist. I've been fighting terrible hormone swings for a year or so- severe depression inducing drops off the hormonal cliff. My doc assures me I'm not even close to menopause at 40- but that at this age, with your cycle, hormones surge and drop each month. Yaz, I was assured by both doctors managing me would not affect my Lupus at all and would help with the hormonal swings. This is also my fault... I didn't do any research myself. I should know better by now.

It took two months to prove that wrong. I'm in a full flare-up complete with butterfly rash that goes all the way up on my scalp. When I finally started analyzing what had changed and when I started feeling bad- it began with the Yaz.

When I put this together, I started doing my own research and most of it specifically mentions the possible exacerbation of Lupus. AAAGGGHHHHH. This was so avoidable. I fully believe that. Why would they risk this? Why would I have risked this and not researched it myself?

I stopped the Yaz last night, as soon as I put all of this together- but it's too late. I can only pray that as it leaves my system over the next couple of months, that the flare up does as well. I'm so angry and frustrated, mainly with myself, for having to learn this lesson AGAIN. Pray with me?