Took a mental moment~ life has been stressful and I needed to breathe. But I'm back and looking towards a more disciplined blogging life- more blogging, less whining. You see, I now have a super-secret blog journal where whining is allowed and accepted with open arms(mine). That should help.
I'm going to be consolidating down and gathering my writing into a safe place- I have three working blogs and that's at least one too many; I'm spread too thin. Consolidating down and opening up- we'll see what happens. I'm also considering moving this baby over to wordpress- you can do cool things there that you can't here. Just a thought...I'll wait for inspiration to strike and time to stand still so I can get it done. :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Wanted
Wanted:
One person interested in filling a full time "Nathan" position for semi-new PW. Requirements: friendship, discernment, boldness, availability, no agenda, and love. Must be able to keep mouth shut. Salary: The satisfaction of being a Nathan, and the devoted friendship of said semi-new PW. Please reply to this publication for application. ;)
Who's Your Nathan?
Apparently, I don't have one. I've been scrambling my brain for close to a week now, knowing this question would hit me hard on Sunday. We just started a new message series called Eleven, based on the book by Leonard Sweet. It covers eleven (twelve, really) must-have relationships that everyone needs in their life, and it's pretty awesome.
Wouldntcha' know I struck out on the very first one? This first week deals with the relationship that the Prophet Nathan had with King David in 2 Samuel. Nathan was the person who brought truth and discernment into David's life... whether David asked for it or not. He declared David's eventual victory over Saul. He is the one who annointed David King over Israel- and most certainly rejoiced with him. He got in David's face when he needed to be questioned and burned with holy anger when he confronted David's sin with Bathsheba. He probably wept with him as David laid his innocent son to rest. Over the years spanning their relationship, I'm sure most every emotion was covered.
I've shared previously that it's difficult for me to form relationships where I can really be open and honest. A lot of the people that are in my life I've known for 15 years or so- we've been out here a while and we have lots of friends. But things changed when my husband became their (insert echo voice with movie-theatre sound here) PASTOR. They saw him differently, like it or not. And that means they saw me differently too. I could tell that my friends were suddenly evaluating the things they would say to me... could it be construed as gossip? Would I judge them for saying it or correct them in some embarrassing way? It was subtle, but things changed between us without my wanting or knowing it. It just took me a while to put my finger on what was happening and figure out why. My old friends are all so careful around me. And I don't know that I have a single one of them that would call me out if need be or question my motives.
I'm not whining about a lack of friends. I have friends. Friends I talk to and hang out with, study with, and pray with. It's just that I'm really careful with them too, because I feel like I have to be... it's the fishbowl thing, I think. And erring on the side of protecting our congregation (which probably isn't even my job... I'm sure God is big enough for that all by himself). I do believe I'm real with people, I just don't share all the stuff I'm thinking.
All I'm saying, is... I could hide stuff if I wanted to... and not have anyone know me deep enough to call me out. Granted, I don't have anything to hide... it just makes me sad. Sometimes I'm afraid people like me just because I'm their pastor's wife- but they don't love me enough or know me enough to get in my face should I need it. And I know that isn't good.
Maybe it's time for me to lower some walls- I just don't know who it's appropriate for me to do this with. James 1:5 says "if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." So that's what I'm praying for; that's what I want. Wisdom to find my Nathan.
Who is YOUR Nathan?
One person interested in filling a full time "Nathan" position for semi-new PW. Requirements: friendship, discernment, boldness, availability, no agenda, and love. Must be able to keep mouth shut. Salary: The satisfaction of being a Nathan, and the devoted friendship of said semi-new PW. Please reply to this publication for application. ;)
Who's Your Nathan?
Apparently, I don't have one. I've been scrambling my brain for close to a week now, knowing this question would hit me hard on Sunday. We just started a new message series called Eleven, based on the book by Leonard Sweet. It covers eleven (twelve, really) must-have relationships that everyone needs in their life, and it's pretty awesome.
Wouldntcha' know I struck out on the very first one? This first week deals with the relationship that the Prophet Nathan had with King David in 2 Samuel. Nathan was the person who brought truth and discernment into David's life... whether David asked for it or not. He declared David's eventual victory over Saul. He is the one who annointed David King over Israel- and most certainly rejoiced with him. He got in David's face when he needed to be questioned and burned with holy anger when he confronted David's sin with Bathsheba. He probably wept with him as David laid his innocent son to rest. Over the years spanning their relationship, I'm sure most every emotion was covered.
I've shared previously that it's difficult for me to form relationships where I can really be open and honest. A lot of the people that are in my life I've known for 15 years or so- we've been out here a while and we have lots of friends. But things changed when my husband became their (insert echo voice with movie-theatre sound here) PASTOR. They saw him differently, like it or not. And that means they saw me differently too. I could tell that my friends were suddenly evaluating the things they would say to me... could it be construed as gossip? Would I judge them for saying it or correct them in some embarrassing way? It was subtle, but things changed between us without my wanting or knowing it. It just took me a while to put my finger on what was happening and figure out why. My old friends are all so careful around me. And I don't know that I have a single one of them that would call me out if need be or question my motives.
I'm not whining about a lack of friends. I have friends. Friends I talk to and hang out with, study with, and pray with. It's just that I'm really careful with them too, because I feel like I have to be... it's the fishbowl thing, I think. And erring on the side of protecting our congregation (which probably isn't even my job... I'm sure God is big enough for that all by himself). I do believe I'm real with people, I just don't share all the stuff I'm thinking.
All I'm saying, is... I could hide stuff if I wanted to... and not have anyone know me deep enough to call me out. Granted, I don't have anything to hide... it just makes me sad. Sometimes I'm afraid people like me just because I'm their pastor's wife- but they don't love me enough or know me enough to get in my face should I need it. And I know that isn't good.
Maybe it's time for me to lower some walls- I just don't know who it's appropriate for me to do this with. James 1:5 says "if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." So that's what I'm praying for; that's what I want. Wisdom to find my Nathan.
Who is YOUR Nathan?
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Up.
I've been up lately. Don't know why... but it's a good place to be. I've been laughing a lot, loving a lot, and enjoying my kids. There are weeks at a time when I have the Charlie Brown cloud that follows me around- but it blew away in the sunshine. I have some worries, but friends are praying with me.
Thanks for this up time, Lord. :) Let's spread it around.
Thanks for this up time, Lord. :) Let's spread it around.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Irrational Fears
#1. The Moth.
I couldn't sleep last night. I have a nagging knee injury awaiting surgery that, if I don't properly medicate before bed, keeps me from sleeping through the night. I was snuggled in bed around 11 last night after a pre-Memorial Day BBQ when I realized that I had not taken my magical sleep medication that helps me sleep through the pain. I was so cozy and tired that I thought, "I'm so cozy and tired that I really don't want to get out of bed to take my magical sleep medication. I'm exhausted and I bet I'll sleep like a baby." Wrong.
So I get up at 3am hurting and unable to sleep. I contemplate taking the magical sleep medication. If I did, I would sleep through most of the day today, and I didn't want to do that... I have flowers to plant, darnit. So I got up, went to the kitchen and took 800 mg. of Ibuprofen and got back in bed waiting for it to kick in. I thought I'd read to pass the time, so I turned on my cute little bedside lamp. I had been reading for all of about 5 minutes when the uninvited guest showed up.
I know exactly why I'm terrified of moths. I made the mistake of watching one of those emergency room real-life medical dramas on TLC years ago. Usually I LOVE those shows... the gorier or stranger the injury, the better... bring on the blood! Unfortunately, I happened across the episode where a sweet little lady was sleeping and a moth crawled into her warm and cozy ear. When she awoke, justiafiably freaked out, she tried to get him out and he burrowed deeper and deeper into her ear. She called her husband who tried to get him out with a pair of tweezers and still he burrowed deeper. Until he was burrowing against her inner ear- making her dizzy and probably scrambling her brain. She ended up in the emergency room where a doctor tried and tried with no success to get the moth out. The sweet little lady began to freak out more because she could feel him wiggling around inside her head, getting cozier by the minute. The doctor eventually had to stick a needle in her ear and inject the moth with valium and put him to sleep and then pull him out piece by little moth piece.
Ever since then, I can't sleep on my side unless whichever ear is facing up is covered with my hair. I know it's weird, but what if there is a moth in my immediate proximity looking for a cozy new condo? Mine is NOT for rent.
So I'm reading, enjoying my book at 3am, waiting to fall back to sleep... and a moth flies in. I get really, irrationally angry at the moth for ending my reading session, because now, I'm still wide awake, and I have to turn off the light quickly so he doesn't come any closer, close my book, and dive under the covers. I figure with a moth that close to me and eyeing my ear canal, going under the covers was much safer than merely covering my ear with my hair. So I laid awake, under the covers, for another 20 minutes, fuming at this moth.
Unfortunately, my Irrational Fear #1 (The Moth) was complicated by my Irrational Fear #2- Breathing Warm Air Under The Covers (you never know what kind of warm air you're going to get under the covers in the bed I share with my husband). In this instance, self-preservation took over... that is why all of my Irrational Fears are ranked... so that if more than one Irrational Fear is involved in any given situation and I must think quickly, I know that the lower the number... the higher priority of that particular Irrational Fear.
How did this end, you ask? Well, as far as I can tell, my condo(s) remain unoccupied and I finally fell asleep around 3:30 with an angry expression on my face (I can only assume it was angry as it was also very dark under the covers and the only person I could ask was snoring loudly, completely unaware of my terror). Some day, I will discuss my Irrational Fear #2 and what brought me to that horrific realization... but alas, that is a post for another day. Tell me I'm not alone and that you have Irrational Fears too...
Happy Memorial Day!
I couldn't sleep last night. I have a nagging knee injury awaiting surgery that, if I don't properly medicate before bed, keeps me from sleeping through the night. I was snuggled in bed around 11 last night after a pre-Memorial Day BBQ when I realized that I had not taken my magical sleep medication that helps me sleep through the pain. I was so cozy and tired that I thought, "I'm so cozy and tired that I really don't want to get out of bed to take my magical sleep medication. I'm exhausted and I bet I'll sleep like a baby." Wrong.
So I get up at 3am hurting and unable to sleep. I contemplate taking the magical sleep medication. If I did, I would sleep through most of the day today, and I didn't want to do that... I have flowers to plant, darnit. So I got up, went to the kitchen and took 800 mg. of Ibuprofen and got back in bed waiting for it to kick in. I thought I'd read to pass the time, so I turned on my cute little bedside lamp. I had been reading for all of about 5 minutes when the uninvited guest showed up.
I know exactly why I'm terrified of moths. I made the mistake of watching one of those emergency room real-life medical dramas on TLC years ago. Usually I LOVE those shows... the gorier or stranger the injury, the better... bring on the blood! Unfortunately, I happened across the episode where a sweet little lady was sleeping and a moth crawled into her warm and cozy ear. When she awoke, justiafiably freaked out, she tried to get him out and he burrowed deeper and deeper into her ear. She called her husband who tried to get him out with a pair of tweezers and still he burrowed deeper. Until he was burrowing against her inner ear- making her dizzy and probably scrambling her brain. She ended up in the emergency room where a doctor tried and tried with no success to get the moth out. The sweet little lady began to freak out more because she could feel him wiggling around inside her head, getting cozier by the minute. The doctor eventually had to stick a needle in her ear and inject the moth with valium and put him to sleep and then pull him out piece by little moth piece.
Ever since then, I can't sleep on my side unless whichever ear is facing up is covered with my hair. I know it's weird, but what if there is a moth in my immediate proximity looking for a cozy new condo? Mine is NOT for rent.
So I'm reading, enjoying my book at 3am, waiting to fall back to sleep... and a moth flies in. I get really, irrationally angry at the moth for ending my reading session, because now, I'm still wide awake, and I have to turn off the light quickly so he doesn't come any closer, close my book, and dive under the covers. I figure with a moth that close to me and eyeing my ear canal, going under the covers was much safer than merely covering my ear with my hair. So I laid awake, under the covers, for another 20 minutes, fuming at this moth.
Unfortunately, my Irrational Fear #1 (The Moth) was complicated by my Irrational Fear #2- Breathing Warm Air Under The Covers (you never know what kind of warm air you're going to get under the covers in the bed I share with my husband). In this instance, self-preservation took over... that is why all of my Irrational Fears are ranked... so that if more than one Irrational Fear is involved in any given situation and I must think quickly, I know that the lower the number... the higher priority of that particular Irrational Fear.
How did this end, you ask? Well, as far as I can tell, my condo(s) remain unoccupied and I finally fell asleep around 3:30 with an angry expression on my face (I can only assume it was angry as it was also very dark under the covers and the only person I could ask was snoring loudly, completely unaware of my terror). Some day, I will discuss my Irrational Fear #2 and what brought me to that horrific realization... but alas, that is a post for another day. Tell me I'm not alone and that you have Irrational Fears too...
Happy Memorial Day!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Always "ON"
I think my OFF switch is broken.
My husband doesn't have an off switch... he thrives on being "ON". He's an "ON" kinda guy.
I keep telling God that he surely made a mistake in the making of me- seeing as he knew ahead of time (and didn't do ANYTHING to stop it, mind you) that I would eventually go from being a married pregnant teenager lucky to finish high school to a pastor's wife. The mistake being that my OFF switch is permanently set to ON in this new position of a little over three years now. I tried to get His attention about a year into the ministry... letting him know that my OFF switch was broken... that I was rebelling a little (ok, I got a tattoo at 38)... but I think He just smiled at me and said, "Hey, nice tat. That's really going to speak to the wayward souls you'll be reaching! I can use that!"
For a person who revels in her "offness", the permanancy of my need to remain ON for the masses is truly exhausting. Sundays, especially when there is an event following church, are the equivalent of running a marathon for me. Not that I'm whining... I know God has placed me here- and he is working through my husband- and through me... I couldn't, no wouldn't be doing this otherwise. I am going with His plan.
But, I love my bed. You see, the bed (mine in particular) is the universal symbol of the "OFF" switch... and I love my bed. I especially love reading a book in my bed surrounded by pillows. I love peace and quiet... and being left alone. I love my family and our lack of huge problems... apart from the regular little day-to-day stuff. I love hanging out with my dog- who never burdens me with her problems, by the way, and I love being alone. I don't have a lot of friends I talk to honestly- though I have a million that I talk with every day... and honestly, sometimes... people bother me. There are days that I don't like them all that much. And this can be a problem because, you see,
My OFF switch is broken. It's hard to lay in my comfortable bed with the softest sheets in the world and read my favorite book surrounded by pillows and my quiet dog when I have to be ON for all the meetings and people with problems who need things all of the time. Even when I am laying in bed the phone is ringing or the door is being knocked upon and even if it isn't.... I'm waiting for it to. Which kind of ruins me enjoying what is supposed to be my OFF time.
Can I just say it? I want my switch fixed. I want some defined time for me and my family. I'm tired of people. There. That makes me feel a little better. It doesn't fix anything, but I feel slightly naughty having said it and THAT makes me feel better. :)
My husband doesn't have an off switch... he thrives on being "ON". He's an "ON" kinda guy.
I keep telling God that he surely made a mistake in the making of me- seeing as he knew ahead of time (and didn't do ANYTHING to stop it, mind you) that I would eventually go from being a married pregnant teenager lucky to finish high school to a pastor's wife. The mistake being that my OFF switch is permanently set to ON in this new position of a little over three years now. I tried to get His attention about a year into the ministry... letting him know that my OFF switch was broken... that I was rebelling a little (ok, I got a tattoo at 38)... but I think He just smiled at me and said, "Hey, nice tat. That's really going to speak to the wayward souls you'll be reaching! I can use that!"
For a person who revels in her "offness", the permanancy of my need to remain ON for the masses is truly exhausting. Sundays, especially when there is an event following church, are the equivalent of running a marathon for me. Not that I'm whining... I know God has placed me here- and he is working through my husband- and through me... I couldn't, no wouldn't be doing this otherwise. I am going with His plan.
But, I love my bed. You see, the bed (mine in particular) is the universal symbol of the "OFF" switch... and I love my bed. I especially love reading a book in my bed surrounded by pillows. I love peace and quiet... and being left alone. I love my family and our lack of huge problems... apart from the regular little day-to-day stuff. I love hanging out with my dog- who never burdens me with her problems, by the way, and I love being alone. I don't have a lot of friends I talk to honestly- though I have a million that I talk with every day... and honestly, sometimes... people bother me. There are days that I don't like them all that much. And this can be a problem because, you see,
My OFF switch is broken. It's hard to lay in my comfortable bed with the softest sheets in the world and read my favorite book surrounded by pillows and my quiet dog when I have to be ON for all the meetings and people with problems who need things all of the time. Even when I am laying in bed the phone is ringing or the door is being knocked upon and even if it isn't.... I'm waiting for it to. Which kind of ruins me enjoying what is supposed to be my OFF time.
Can I just say it? I want my switch fixed. I want some defined time for me and my family. I'm tired of people. There. That makes me feel a little better. It doesn't fix anything, but I feel slightly naughty having said it and THAT makes me feel better. :)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Prayer Request
A couple in our church are new Christians- in the past year or so. They are former druggies and have both been recently baptized and got married about three months ago after having a child together and living together for a couple of years. They have tried so hard to be faithful and are serving in the church and learning and growing.
She is in the process of having a miscarriage and is really questioning why God would allow this to happen- extremely upset of course... Her faith seems to be shaken in her grief.
Will you pray with me for Tanya and Jim? Pray for her safety and strength and peace beyond understanding and that God becomes very real to them in the midst of this.
She is in the process of having a miscarriage and is really questioning why God would allow this to happen- extremely upset of course... Her faith seems to be shaken in her grief.
Will you pray with me for Tanya and Jim? Pray for her safety and strength and peace beyond understanding and that God becomes very real to them in the midst of this.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
How do you spell a SCREAM? AAAGGGHHH?
Yeah, I think that works!
Our church has just completed the three week Dave Ramsey series (thank you, Lifechurch.tv!) and it was soo good. We have ten new lifegroups starting with over 60 couples signed up to go through the 13 week small group series-we start that next week. It's very exciting around here. Things are buzzing.
And of course Satan hits us right in our collective cohonas, as my husband so eloquently puts it (Personally, I didn't know that I possessed any cohonas at all...collective or not... but he said that comes with the whole marriage/oneness thing. Go figure.). Our finances are stretched so tightly right now, I could floss my teeth with them.
We just took a trip to visit son #1 for Parent's Weekend at his Christian college two states away- which cost an arm and a leg- factoring in gas, eating out, and hotel.
Right before we got there, our lovely son #1, who we just spent several hundred dollars to go see, got a ticket. He was planning to be able to pay for it with his "job". What job, you ask? He gives plasma twice a week (it's quite the trend among the college kids)- and was banking on that to pay for his ticket. Don't get me wrong, I don't like the thought of my son prostituting his plasma all over Joplin... but he struggles with school- always has- and I don't know that he could hold down a "real" job and still pass his classes. It's yet to be proven anyway.
Enter low white blood cell count. Now his Plasma Pimps won't let him give plasma for two months now. So, he now has no way to pay for his ticket that has to be paid before he leaves, which is... did I mention, NEXT WEEK?
And then there's son #2, who very responsibly got his homework and books and everything he needed so he could stay caught up in school while we took our little trip. We're talking a 50 pound backpack here. Oh, and his large-and-in-charge "Zombie Killing" jacket (don't ask- just know that if you don't have one, you should get one very, very soon). He also very responsibly got all his homework done on the 12 hour drive to visit son #1. What a good boy. We're so proud.
Then son #2 left said 50 pound backpack and large-and-in-charge Zombie Killing jacket in son #1's car trunk. You guessed it. We figured it out when we were unpacking the car after our 12 hour drive home.
Enter UPS and two-day shipping. To the tune of $65.00, because it's the end of the semester and son #2 has to have his work turned in no later than Monday.
Seriously. So after the money we just spent on the trip, add a mortgage payment and some random utility bills, a speeding ticket, and a special box delivered by a man in little brown shorts...and (plug your ears)...
AAAGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!
Our church has just completed the three week Dave Ramsey series (thank you, Lifechurch.tv!) and it was soo good. We have ten new lifegroups starting with over 60 couples signed up to go through the 13 week small group series-we start that next week. It's very exciting around here. Things are buzzing.
And of course Satan hits us right in our collective cohonas, as my husband so eloquently puts it (Personally, I didn't know that I possessed any cohonas at all...collective or not... but he said that comes with the whole marriage/oneness thing. Go figure.). Our finances are stretched so tightly right now, I could floss my teeth with them.
We just took a trip to visit son #1 for Parent's Weekend at his Christian college two states away- which cost an arm and a leg- factoring in gas, eating out, and hotel.
Right before we got there, our lovely son #1, who we just spent several hundred dollars to go see, got a ticket. He was planning to be able to pay for it with his "job". What job, you ask? He gives plasma twice a week (it's quite the trend among the college kids)- and was banking on that to pay for his ticket. Don't get me wrong, I don't like the thought of my son prostituting his plasma all over Joplin... but he struggles with school- always has- and I don't know that he could hold down a "real" job and still pass his classes. It's yet to be proven anyway.
Enter low white blood cell count. Now his Plasma Pimps won't let him give plasma for two months now. So, he now has no way to pay for his ticket that has to be paid before he leaves, which is... did I mention, NEXT WEEK?
And then there's son #2, who very responsibly got his homework and books and everything he needed so he could stay caught up in school while we took our little trip. We're talking a 50 pound backpack here. Oh, and his large-and-in-charge "Zombie Killing" jacket (don't ask- just know that if you don't have one, you should get one very, very soon). He also very responsibly got all his homework done on the 12 hour drive to visit son #1. What a good boy. We're so proud.
Then son #2 left said 50 pound backpack and large-and-in-charge Zombie Killing jacket in son #1's car trunk. You guessed it. We figured it out when we were unpacking the car after our 12 hour drive home.
Enter UPS and two-day shipping. To the tune of $65.00, because it's the end of the semester and son #2 has to have his work turned in no later than Monday.
Seriously. So after the money we just spent on the trip, add a mortgage payment and some random utility bills, a speeding ticket, and a special box delivered by a man in little brown shorts...and (plug your ears)...
AAAGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
