Wanted

Wanted:
One person interested in filling a full time "Nathan" position for semi-new PW. Requirements: friendship, discernment, boldness, availability, no agenda, and love. Must be able to keep mouth shut. Salary: The satisfaction of being a Nathan, and the devoted friendship of said semi-new PW. Please reply to this publication for application. ;)

Who's Your Nathan?

Apparently, I don't have one. I've been scrambling my brain for close to a week now, knowing this question would hit me hard on Sunday. We just started a new message series called Eleven, based on the book by Leonard Sweet. It covers eleven (twelve, really) must-have relationships that everyone needs in their life, and it's pretty awesome.

Wouldntcha' know I struck out on the very first one? This first week deals with the relationship that the Prophet Nathan had with King David in 2 Samuel. Nathan was the person who brought truth and discernment into David's life... whether David asked for it or not. He declared David's eventual victory over Saul. He is the one who annointed David King over Israel- and most certainly rejoiced with him. He got in David's face when he needed to be questioned and burned with holy anger when he confronted David's sin with Bathsheba. He probably wept with him as David laid his innocent son to rest. Over the years spanning their relationship, I'm sure most every emotion was covered.

I've shared previously that it's difficult for me to form relationships where I can really be open and honest. A lot of the people that are in my life I've known for 15 years or so- we've been out here a while and we have lots of friends. But things changed when my husband became their (insert echo voice with movie-theatre sound here) PASTOR. They saw him differently, like it or not. And that means they saw me differently too. I could tell that my friends were suddenly evaluating the things they would say to me... could it be construed as gossip? Would I judge them for saying it or correct them in some embarrassing way? It was subtle, but things changed between us without my wanting or knowing it. It just took me a while to put my finger on what was happening and figure out why. My old friends are all so careful around me. And I don't know that I have a single one of them that would call me out if need be or question my motives.

I'm not whining about a lack of friends. I have friends. Friends I talk to and hang out with, study with, and pray with. It's just that I'm really careful with them too, because I feel like I have to be... it's the fishbowl thing, I think. And erring on the side of protecting our congregation (which probably isn't even my job... I'm sure God is big enough for that all by himself). I do believe I'm real with people, I just don't share all the stuff I'm thinking.

All I'm saying, is... I could hide stuff if I wanted to... and not have anyone know me deep enough to call me out. Granted, I don't have anything to hide... it just makes me sad. Sometimes I'm afraid people like me just because I'm their pastor's wife- but they don't love me enough or know me enough to get in my face should I need it. And I know that isn't good.

Maybe it's time for me to lower some walls- I just don't know who it's appropriate for me to do this with. James 1:5 says "if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." So that's what I'm praying for; that's what I want. Wisdom to find my Nathan.

Who is YOUR Nathan?