Hubby's first manifesto letter received...

Apparently my husband's message ticked off one of our EGR's (extra grace required) last week. Granted it was someone obsessed with politics who has Aspberger's Syndrome... but he threatened my husband and accused him of "brainwashing" the congregation when he stated that no mater what your feelings about Obama are, you shoud honor the Office of the President, and, whether we like it or not, he is our President. In his message he also stressed that respect is earned and honor is given. This guy fixates on things and right now, he's a Glenn Beck fanatic and Tea Party activist, as far as he is socially able to participate. He's in his mid-late 20's and cannot live without supervision (still lives at home) and isn't allowed to drive, on tons of meds for different disorders.

In a way, it's kind of funny... and my husband in no way feels physically threatened by this guy... but he IS the kind of guy who you could see coming in and shooting up a church and feeling very justified.

Here's some of what he said:

"This is the very first sermon where you actually said something that personally traumatized me with anger and total upset. Even because of how I felt like you were trying to brainwash everybody."

"It really offended me that you pointed out that you believed that all authorities need honor, including parents, no matter what kind you have, including no matter what kind of authorities that we have."

"there is nothing you will say that you will brainwash me into believing this whole honor part and spreading that word. My parents got brainwashed a little bit by it, by the look of it so far, and if it keeps doing so, then you are going to get even bigger trouble coming your way from me."

"I don't want you to ever again preach another sermon about honor like this one you did. I don't want a lot of Conservatives on our side who we know that go there [to our church] brainwashed into any of the idea."

"I don't think the fifth commandment is literal. As all of us being Christian Conservatives who agrees on all of the Founding stuff, you were out of line to say that we should honor this president, because the truth is that our current one stinks to high Heaven, who is the first anti-American president, and that in many other cases, is the worst one we've had yet. So, that's the last thing I ever want to hear coming from even a preacher."

and finally...
"As for God's love, compared to ours, even though it is infinite to our imagination, we can't grasp how deep God's love is, but I am sure that one of His infinitely measured loves is not what any of us would call "unconditional love". What that means is where ones loves the most unsuccessful trailer park trash God-rebelling people the same way that we do the most strongly middle and high classed and historical God following Christians. Like the ones follow the narrow path the straighest. Like, where we feel like every single good and bad person has to be loved at the equal level. And I don't believe in that at all. Whether or not you do."

So, for me, who has always been a little wary of this guy... it's a little stressful. Even though I know he doesn't have the capability to drive himself to our house and has to ride to church with his parents. It's just unnerving.

My husband is going to speak with his father on the best way to addres this with him (I suggested he forward the letter to the guy's dad)- and then go from there. There were nothing but good comments on Sunday's message and everything he said was Biblical... this is just one crazy person. It's just that sometimes that's all it takes. Praying protection over my husband today. :)

I need a change...

and a miracle. I'm restless, I know I'm not in the right job. I shouldn't be doing the books at the church; I hate knowing everything I do...who gives, who doesn't... how close we are to making or not making payroll... etc. I feel like if I could step back from the day-to-day runnings of the church I would be a more effective pw. I would care more, be able to be more emotionally available for my husband and the people in our congregation... I would be able to say no every once in a while. I am tired of always having to be "on."

As it stands, I'm constantly stressed. This is where God has me now... but I'm praying for a way out where we can still survive financially. Working somewhere else- somewhere I'd like that would allow me to do my job and go home... preferably with hours compatible to my son's school schedule for driving him back and forth.

I know that's asking a lot and that I'm plain lucky to HAVE a job right now. And I CAN be content where I'm at- I just need to figure out a way to separate the stress of working with my husband 40-plus hours a week, ministering with him on Sundays (and on call 24/7), and knowing all the financial (and other) details of the church...

God help me through this time- show me your will- and if it's to stay where i'm at, please help me accept it. I know you have the best in mind for me...Please help me to believe and live that truth.

Did you ever feel...

like you had a book inside of you, but to actually put it on paper would hurt too many people?

i do.

Father, help me to put others first, especially You. <3

Lost: Compassion

Being super honest here. This is a little embarrassing.

Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.

We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.

Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.

Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.

Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)

No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.

Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?

No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.

Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)

No compassion for God's people.

Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.

I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.

Dodged a bullet? Nope. Hit by shrapnel.

Wounded but not down for good.

Just got official word. Our son can't come back this semester which is not what we were expecting. He's devastated all over again, but I am brought back to Isaiah 55:9- "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Please pray for our son Hunter- that he'll be willing to listen and learn what God is teaching him during this time.

Pray for sanity in our continually crowded house and inside my head. :) Pray that we all stay on the same team.

Thanks and love you guys.

Zzzzing! That's the sound of a bullet flying by...

A bullet that it's looking like God allowed us to dodge. After having talked to the school officials today, it looks like my kid is going to get to return to school in the fall... no final, FINAL word yet... but it looks positive. Praying like crazy!

Prayer. You & me. Right Now.

Youth Sunday at our church has come and gone for another year- a great day for our YG and a horrible day for a neighboring church's. Their Youth Pastor was let go- and this is like the 5th in as many years. The poor kids just have time to forge a bond and inevitably between year one and two- he's let go by the pastor.

We now have another batch of hurt, confused kids in town. Our youth pastor knows to expect an influx of hurting kids- which has also been the pattern. The kids were told tonight, out of the blue, that their YP had been fired for "insubordination and innapropriate behavior." The hurting kids that showed up at my house afterwards (my son attends this yg as well, so a whole herd came over) said they are starting to realize that the problem isn't with the youth guys... it's with the senior guy. Kids aren't stupid.

Pray with me for them? There's a history of this particular church refusing to be involved with us and actually not allowing their kids to attend our church at all- they actually have to sign a contract if they're on the youth leadership team that they won't attend any other youth group (we're the only other one in town). We have tried repeatedly to end this spirit of competition with no luck... with shared activities, service projects, etc... Pray that the new guy is someone who will work with us to reach the youth of this area- we need all the help we can get- not a nasty spirit of competition. And pray that God will work in his church and fix whatever the problem is... no matter how high up it is.

On the homefront, my husband and son get home from a ten day mission trip on Tuesday evening- and we have to hit it hard to find out what's going on with my son's school situation... whether we'll be packing him up and shipping him off to Missouri again or looking for a job around here. Please pray that he accepts whatever God's plan is for him and is open to where God leads and doesn't try to force issues on his own. Pray his heart was touched in Bolivia. Pray that THIS was rock bottom and that God has a moldable heart to work with. Pray for wisdom for my husband and I as we try to parent this almost-grown 20-year-old.

Now, how can I pray for YOU? Please let me know!