Frickety Frick Frick FRICK!

So if you aren't comfortable hearing about my hormones, stop here. Fair warning.

Ok, I'm ticked off. I have Lupus- systemic (internal) and discoid (skin rash). Generally, it sucks, but I was diagnosed at 18 and am used to living with it, managing it, and listening to my body. It's either listen to what my body is telling me or or wait a little too long when I haven't been feeling good for a while and experience something like losing kidney function or having my liver shut down (both of which I experienced in the first 10 years with separate Lupus flare-ups). By the way, that's how Lupus works... it's either quiet or it's flaring up. The flares include increased arthritis, fever, funky stuff going on with my blood that makes me sick, fatigue, my immune system eating itself and the infamous butterfly rash across my face. When I have a flare, it can literally take months for things to calm down again- I've been sick for a couple of years straight at times with symptoms full time.

I have been basically symptom-free for about two years- I came completely off steroids, have had no rash on my face, minimal arthritis... very few complications. It has been amazing. And it's over. I'm praying that it's for just a short while... that this flare disappears in the two months it took to develop.

The reason it's over? I trusted my ob-gyn. And my rheumatologist. I've been fighting terrible hormone swings for a year or so- severe depression inducing drops off the hormonal cliff. My doc assures me I'm not even close to menopause at 40- but that at this age, with your cycle, hormones surge and drop each month. Yaz, I was assured by both doctors managing me would not affect my Lupus at all and would help with the hormonal swings. This is also my fault... I didn't do any research myself. I should know better by now.

It took two months to prove that wrong. I'm in a full flare-up complete with butterfly rash that goes all the way up on my scalp. When I finally started analyzing what had changed and when I started feeling bad- it began with the Yaz.

When I put this together, I started doing my own research and most of it specifically mentions the possible exacerbation of Lupus. AAAGGGHHHHH. This was so avoidable. I fully believe that. Why would they risk this? Why would I have risked this and not researched it myself?

I stopped the Yaz last night, as soon as I put all of this together- but it's too late. I can only pray that as it leaves my system over the next couple of months, that the flare up does as well. I'm so angry and frustrated, mainly with myself, for having to learn this lesson AGAIN. Pray with me?

Is Depends available for trading on the Stock Market? If so, I'm buying shares...

Last night I was at my sink in our bedroom removing my makeup- doing the "getting ready for bed" routine. I had just brushed my teeth and taken out my contacts. I looked up from the sink when some movement behind me caught my eye in the mirror. A blur who I presumed was my husband poked his head in and was whispering something to me....

"What?" I said... "I can't hear you!" (I assumed he had a twinkle in his eye and was asking if I was ready for him to come to bed...)

He whispered again, poking his head in a little further thinking I could read his lips...

In my best Marge Simpson voice I very sexily replied, "What?! I can't see you either... I just took out my contacts!"

Hilarity ensued as we went back over our conversation. Sigh. Getting old sucks, but it is kind of funny sometimes. ;)

You know it's getting bad when...

the way someone sneezes drives you absolutely bananas and makes you want to (as CIY's Louis the Unicorn so lovingly put it) stab them in the face.

I am an Israelite

A whiner. A complainer. An ungrateful taker. Wandering in my desert unable to learn what God wants me to.

I realize my last couple of posts have sounded desperate and hopeless. And I am at times- but I'm going to keep walking. I really think I'm dealing with both depression and hormonal issues. I'm working with my doctors to get these things taken care of- and I believe that as my hormones level out and this fog that covers me lifts, things really aren't going to look so bad.

I need to focus on the good, because it's all around me. God is working and moving, and I don't want to miss it.

We had 464 people at church today- the week following an area mailing. Granted, it was Palm Sunday, and a lot people were church shopping for their Easter Sunday experience, I'm sure. But it's just a reminder from God that we are in His will- and as long as our heads don't get big and we continue to let Him do His thing (because this certainly isn't due to any of our know-how), this is going to be an amazing ride. I just have to hang on and let God heal me.

Love my Jesus.

i am ok.

ok but losing myself. ok but going through the motions. My doctor put me on medication- praying it helps. i know something has to change- i can't leave- so that something has to be me. is it wrong to want a month by myself in a room where I can see the beach? Totally alone to sort out my head? I'm afraid if I got it, i would want another and another and another.

i can't leave my husband for more than a week- I would feel like i'm deserting him- deserting the church- so i heap guilt on top of depression. i'm sure he already feels i'm so fragile and needy.

Please lord, pull me out of this. Forgive me for not living up to what you want from me. For the things I wanted and can't forget that have ruined me.

What do I do when I so desperately feel that my husband is called but i am not? What is the answer?

Ready for Sunday and a happy face- answers to everyone's questions- and all the right words. Praying my heart will follow...

a personal psalm, of sorts...

This is me...
- very close to chopping off my hair because I need to simplify my life
- dealing with some severe hormonal issues that are seriously crippling my life
- making an appointment for next Friday with my girl doctor to do something about it because i can't go on like this any longer
- making a vow to not say anything negative to my husband about his parents who now live with us. they moved in with us 1/25/2010. i am afraid they will never move out. that fear is justified.
- not thinking about the fact that we're buying 90% of the food, and that's being generous, and that we're always about 100 bucks into our next check's food budget
- not thinking about the fact that they have no savings, no retirement, no means of income at the present time, and have declared personal and professional bankrupsy
- not thinking about the fact that neither of my husband's siblings have offered to help us financially
- getting desperately worried that we only have one seven-year-old car with almost 200,000 miles on it and really need another one- but don't have the means to get it because all our money is going towards debt reduction
- giving it to God; crying out to him in my time of trouble; recalling his prior faithfulness to me and my husband; and thanking him for what we are learning from this experience (though I have no idea what it is yet).

melancholy today-

coming out of one stressful week and into another. i don't want to whine in public or to my husband.

did you ever not want to open your email because you knew it would be one barrage after another of people needing things from you? and your voicemail? sometimes, i think i'm at my limit of niceness, but i'm not allowed to be.

i know i'm just "people-d out." we had friends from another town spend the night Saturday night- stayed up late- went to church Sunday- and then i had lunch for them and another couple. so i was "on" for about 24 hours straight. that wears me out.

and here's my week:
today- work until 3- then go help with a funeral dinner.
tonight- women's ministry meeting at my house.
tuesday all day- staff planning meeting.
wednesday- work and new bible study starting at 7pm at my house.
thursday- work all day and mission trip meeting at 7pm at my house.
friday- couples group at 7pm at my house.
saturday- host a shower for a girlfriend.

i think i'm in a funk because there is NO light at the end of my tunnel this week.

how horrible is it to say that i'm dreading Easter and i'm already pre-dreading Christmas? and if pre-dread isn't a real state of being... then i am officially making it one here and now.

i have piles of work on my desk including one huge project- and no desire to tackle it. which is, i guess why i'm blogging/whining right now. i don't have it in me to keep this pace- i don't want to. i acknowledge that and then i immediately feel guilty for not doing what God has called me to do without complaining.

my inlaws have been with us for about a month now. it's still ok- no personality conflicts, etc... except for the fact that they are always upstairs with us- there is no time for our little family unit to be alone. we have a HUGE tv downstairs, but his mom has to watch the little screen that is upstairs where we are. they stay upstairs with us all day and don't go down until midnight or so.

i asked my husband if we moved the little tv to the kitchen if that might make them watch and hang out more downstairs and he said, "They would probably just hang out closer to the kitchen and watch from there." so that doesn't seem to be a solution. and, what message would moving the tv send? father-in-law is easily offended. i have never had to worry about moving a tv in my own house before.

i guess we are going to have to go to our bedroom to have a private conversation.

is it ok to say that i'm not enjoying this? ministry and the stresses of life? just looked at the calendar to see if these were irrational pms feelings... and unfortunately, no... they're real.

what do i do with this, God?