I've admitted it before- I am a "fixer". And I don't know whether something I did is me circumventing God and trying to "fix" something myself, or if it's a step of faith he's leading me in. How do you tell the difference? For me, I have decided to just do it and pray for God to open and close doors.
I'm talking about getting a different job- I filled out an application at Children's Hospital online at 1am last night- and yes, it was stress-induced. There are a couple of issues that led to this reach for another position.
First of all, I've been thinking about it. Handling the money here at our church stresses me out to the max. It has been a rough summer financially with lots of money outgoing. About 33K on a mission trip, 12K on our summer outreach, and recently, about 2K on different kid's curriculum. We've had trouble making payroll more than once. People are excited about the building fund and giving to that- which is amazing... but our general (operating) fund has been running frighteningly close to empty. I hate knowing who gives and who doesn't. Which elders and other leaders most likely aren't tithing, and things like that. I'm tired of knowing everything about everyone. All their dirty laundry... I'm tired of not being protected from knowing everything my husband has to deal with. We are now, in the midst of trying to recover from a rough summer, trying to put together financials for a building project. More Stress. I am not an accountant. I had panic attacks during the 5th grade when we had to take timed multiplication tests. Seriously. And I've mentioned before that I think I might be a better, more caring PW if I wasn't involved in the day-to-day running of the church and all the stress that goes with it. I could just support my husband and find my own ministry.
So, I've kind of had my eye out for a different job. One I could go and do... and then come home without bringing it with me. Currently I work with my husband forty-plus hours a week, and most of the time at home our thoughts and discussions are church related. How can we not bring it home with us when there are elder meetings, health team meetings, leadership team meetings, women's ministry meetings, bible studies, prayer requests, counseling requests, complaints, suggestions... and so on and so forth. Our house is constantly "open" to whoever needs us because there are only four staff members, and one of them lives too far out to handle emergencies. The other is our youth pastor who takes care of all the youth and children's stuff... leaving my husband and me with about 350 adults to tend. So, that was issue number one: I've already been thinking about it.
Issue number two is our youth pastor and his young family. He's been with us a couple of years now, and they have since had a baby. His parents helped them buy a forclosure home when they moved out here and they are not living out of their price range. But they aren't getting paid enough- like- really. My husband knows it, the elders know it, and they've been trying really hard to make it-without complaining. But I think they're reaching the point where they can't do it anymore. He's had the 2% increase yearly, but with a complicated birth and high hospital bills and several other issues...they are really struggling. He recently gave his home budget to my husband (who took it to the elder's mtg. last night) to show him how they spend their money, show that they weren't wasting it, and show their monthly shortfall, which is over 1K a month. I feel so bad for them. Granted, neither my husband or I have accepted a raise since this church launched... but we are making it, though things are tight. I'm afraid we are going to lose them. They are such a good fit here, the chemistry is great, everyone loves them... and I know he's already been approached once by another church and has turned it down because he wants to stay here.
My husband went to the elders meeting, shared all the needs, including a raise for the YP, talked about the awesome giving for the building fund and all the great things happening with the building project, and then got to the nightmare of our general fund which hasn't recovered from the summer yet. The elder's response: how can we give him a raise when we're struggling to make payroll? This led to a whole other discussion/disagreement with my husband about whether elders should make decisions based on finances or not- and whether they should even see them- I'll discuss that in a different post. Anyway, kick in my desire to fix things. So I'm trolling for jobs online last night because I can't sleep.
I fond one that might work for a variety of reasons- including getting my son to school and back (he goes to a charter school in town and we drive 144 miles a day getting him there and back five days a week). Also, it's in an environment I think I'd like. And it seems like a job I could do and then blissfully go home and leave it there. Honestly, it's probably customer service/data entry kind of stuff. Nothing spectacular, probably a little boring, but after what this past year has been like... I'm totally cool with that. So, sandwiched between my snoring husband in the bed and the snoring dog on the floor... I apply for this job, cover letter, resume and all. Without talking to him about it. Which probably isn't going to go over so well. But my reasoning is: I'm guessing that about 500 other people have applied for this position and I probably won't get a call in the first place... and if they do call, I interview and am offered a job, I can always say NO based on my husband's input. He wants me to stay at the church office, by the way... he LIKES working with me- he just wants me to be able to ditch the financial end of things, thereby (he thinks) ending all my job-related stress. I don't think that's going to fix the stress factor for me.
Are you wondering how I think this is going to "fix" things for our youth pastor and his family? Basically, I think I'm overpaid. I'm a little ashamed to admit it. I'm paid 30K to run the office and do all that I do. They could hire someone who actually has a gift for finances and does all the things I do for 20 to 22K-and then have money in the budget for an increase for our YP. Oh, and I wouldn't have the stress of my job here at the church.
I hit the final "apply for job" button around 1:20am with a prayer that God would open and close the doors that were right for us. And that my husband won't kill me (I'm going to wait for a little while to tell him, I think). And that I'm doing this for the right reasons... that it was God's prompting that I even discovered the job in the first place... or that at the very least it opens my husband's eyes to my desperation. I don't know what's righ. I don't know what God wants for me. I don't even know if I did this with the right motivation. But I'm praying that God can take what I did and reveal what he wants FROM me and FOR me.
What do you think about all of this? My head is spinning and I would appreciate your prayers and your honesty (if anyone has any thoughts). You can even reply privately at justafishinabowl(at)gmail(dot)com. (I don't want any spammers!) :) Blessings to you all.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Hubby's first manifesto letter received...
Apparently my husband's message ticked off one of our EGR's (extra grace required) last week. Granted it was someone obsessed with politics who has Aspberger's Syndrome... but he threatened my husband and accused him of "brainwashing" the congregation when he stated that no mater what your feelings about Obama are, you shoud honor the Office of the President, and, whether we like it or not, he is our President. In his message he also stressed that respect is earned and honor is given. This guy fixates on things and right now, he's a Glenn Beck fanatic and Tea Party activist, as far as he is socially able to participate. He's in his mid-late 20's and cannot live without supervision (still lives at home) and isn't allowed to drive, on tons of meds for different disorders.
In a way, it's kind of funny... and my husband in no way feels physically threatened by this guy... but he IS the kind of guy who you could see coming in and shooting up a church and feeling very justified.
Here's some of what he said:
"This is the very first sermon where you actually said something that personally traumatized me with anger and total upset. Even because of how I felt like you were trying to brainwash everybody."
"It really offended me that you pointed out that you believed that all authorities need honor, including parents, no matter what kind you have, including no matter what kind of authorities that we have."
"there is nothing you will say that you will brainwash me into believing this whole honor part and spreading that word. My parents got brainwashed a little bit by it, by the look of it so far, and if it keeps doing so, then you are going to get even bigger trouble coming your way from me."
"I don't want you to ever again preach another sermon about honor like this one you did. I don't want a lot of Conservatives on our side who we know that go there [to our church] brainwashed into any of the idea."
"I don't think the fifth commandment is literal. As all of us being Christian Conservatives who agrees on all of the Founding stuff, you were out of line to say that we should honor this president, because the truth is that our current one stinks to high Heaven, who is the first anti-American president, and that in many other cases, is the worst one we've had yet. So, that's the last thing I ever want to hear coming from even a preacher."
and finally...
"As for God's love, compared to ours, even though it is infinite to our imagination, we can't grasp how deep God's love is, but I am sure that one of His infinitely measured loves is not what any of us would call "unconditional love". What that means is where ones loves the most unsuccessful trailer park trash God-rebelling people the same way that we do the most strongly middle and high classed and historical God following Christians. Like the ones follow the narrow path the straighest. Like, where we feel like every single good and bad person has to be loved at the equal level. And I don't believe in that at all. Whether or not you do."
So, for me, who has always been a little wary of this guy... it's a little stressful. Even though I know he doesn't have the capability to drive himself to our house and has to ride to church with his parents. It's just unnerving.
My husband is going to speak with his father on the best way to addres this with him (I suggested he forward the letter to the guy's dad)- and then go from there. There were nothing but good comments on Sunday's message and everything he said was Biblical... this is just one crazy person. It's just that sometimes that's all it takes. Praying protection over my husband today. :)
In a way, it's kind of funny... and my husband in no way feels physically threatened by this guy... but he IS the kind of guy who you could see coming in and shooting up a church and feeling very justified.
Here's some of what he said:
"This is the very first sermon where you actually said something that personally traumatized me with anger and total upset. Even because of how I felt like you were trying to brainwash everybody."
"It really offended me that you pointed out that you believed that all authorities need honor, including parents, no matter what kind you have, including no matter what kind of authorities that we have."
"there is nothing you will say that you will brainwash me into believing this whole honor part and spreading that word. My parents got brainwashed a little bit by it, by the look of it so far, and if it keeps doing so, then you are going to get even bigger trouble coming your way from me."
"I don't want you to ever again preach another sermon about honor like this one you did. I don't want a lot of Conservatives on our side who we know that go there [to our church] brainwashed into any of the idea."
"I don't think the fifth commandment is literal. As all of us being Christian Conservatives who agrees on all of the Founding stuff, you were out of line to say that we should honor this president, because the truth is that our current one stinks to high Heaven, who is the first anti-American president, and that in many other cases, is the worst one we've had yet. So, that's the last thing I ever want to hear coming from even a preacher."
and finally...
"As for God's love, compared to ours, even though it is infinite to our imagination, we can't grasp how deep God's love is, but I am sure that one of His infinitely measured loves is not what any of us would call "unconditional love". What that means is where ones loves the most unsuccessful trailer park trash God-rebelling people the same way that we do the most strongly middle and high classed and historical God following Christians. Like the ones follow the narrow path the straighest. Like, where we feel like every single good and bad person has to be loved at the equal level. And I don't believe in that at all. Whether or not you do."
So, for me, who has always been a little wary of this guy... it's a little stressful. Even though I know he doesn't have the capability to drive himself to our house and has to ride to church with his parents. It's just unnerving.
My husband is going to speak with his father on the best way to addres this with him (I suggested he forward the letter to the guy's dad)- and then go from there. There were nothing but good comments on Sunday's message and everything he said was Biblical... this is just one crazy person. It's just that sometimes that's all it takes. Praying protection over my husband today. :)
I need a change...
and a miracle. I'm restless, I know I'm not in the right job. I shouldn't be doing the books at the church; I hate knowing everything I do...who gives, who doesn't... how close we are to making or not making payroll... etc. I feel like if I could step back from the day-to-day runnings of the church I would be a more effective pw. I would care more, be able to be more emotionally available for my husband and the people in our congregation... I would be able to say no every once in a while. I am tired of always having to be "on."
As it stands, I'm constantly stressed. This is where God has me now... but I'm praying for a way out where we can still survive financially. Working somewhere else- somewhere I'd like that would allow me to do my job and go home... preferably with hours compatible to my son's school schedule for driving him back and forth.
I know that's asking a lot and that I'm plain lucky to HAVE a job right now. And I CAN be content where I'm at- I just need to figure out a way to separate the stress of working with my husband 40-plus hours a week, ministering with him on Sundays (and on call 24/7), and knowing all the financial (and other) details of the church...
God help me through this time- show me your will- and if it's to stay where i'm at, please help me accept it. I know you have the best in mind for me...Please help me to believe and live that truth.
As it stands, I'm constantly stressed. This is where God has me now... but I'm praying for a way out where we can still survive financially. Working somewhere else- somewhere I'd like that would allow me to do my job and go home... preferably with hours compatible to my son's school schedule for driving him back and forth.
I know that's asking a lot and that I'm plain lucky to HAVE a job right now. And I CAN be content where I'm at- I just need to figure out a way to separate the stress of working with my husband 40-plus hours a week, ministering with him on Sundays (and on call 24/7), and knowing all the financial (and other) details of the church...
God help me through this time- show me your will- and if it's to stay where i'm at, please help me accept it. I know you have the best in mind for me...Please help me to believe and live that truth.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Did you ever feel...
like you had a book inside of you, but to actually put it on paper would hurt too many people?
i do.
Father, help me to put others first, especially You. <3
i do.
Father, help me to put others first, especially You. <3
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Lost: Compassion
Being super honest here. This is a little embarrassing.
Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.
We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.
Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.
Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.
Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)
No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.
Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?
No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.
Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)
No compassion for God's people.
Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.
I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.
Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.
We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.
Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.
Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.
Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)
No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.
Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?
No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.
Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)
No compassion for God's people.
Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.
I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Dodged a bullet? Nope. Hit by shrapnel.
Wounded but not down for good.
Just got official word. Our son can't come back this semester which is not what we were expecting. He's devastated all over again, but I am brought back to Isaiah 55:9- "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Please pray for our son Hunter- that he'll be willing to listen and learn what God is teaching him during this time.
Pray for sanity in our continually crowded house and inside my head. :) Pray that we all stay on the same team.
Thanks and love you guys.
Just got official word. Our son can't come back this semester which is not what we were expecting. He's devastated all over again, but I am brought back to Isaiah 55:9- "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Please pray for our son Hunter- that he'll be willing to listen and learn what God is teaching him during this time.
Pray for sanity in our continually crowded house and inside my head. :) Pray that we all stay on the same team.
Thanks and love you guys.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Zzzzing! That's the sound of a bullet flying by...
A bullet that it's looking like God allowed us to dodge. After having talked to the school officials today, it looks like my kid is going to get to return to school in the fall... no final, FINAL word yet... but it looks positive. Praying like crazy!
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