and a miracle. I'm restless, I know I'm not in the right job. I shouldn't be doing the books at the church; I hate knowing everything I do...who gives, who doesn't... how close we are to making or not making payroll... etc. I feel like if I could step back from the day-to-day runnings of the church I would be a more effective pw. I would care more, be able to be more emotionally available for my husband and the people in our congregation... I would be able to say no every once in a while. I am tired of always having to be "on."
As it stands, I'm constantly stressed. This is where God has me now... but I'm praying for a way out where we can still survive financially. Working somewhere else- somewhere I'd like that would allow me to do my job and go home... preferably with hours compatible to my son's school schedule for driving him back and forth.
I know that's asking a lot and that I'm plain lucky to HAVE a job right now. And I CAN be content where I'm at- I just need to figure out a way to separate the stress of working with my husband 40-plus hours a week, ministering with him on Sundays (and on call 24/7), and knowing all the financial (and other) details of the church...
God help me through this time- show me your will- and if it's to stay where i'm at, please help me accept it. I know you have the best in mind for me...Please help me to believe and live that truth.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Did you ever feel...
like you had a book inside of you, but to actually put it on paper would hurt too many people?
i do.
Father, help me to put others first, especially You. <3
i do.
Father, help me to put others first, especially You. <3
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Lost: Compassion
Being super honest here. This is a little embarrassing.
Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.
We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.
Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.
Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.
Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)
No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.
Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?
No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.
Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)
No compassion for God's people.
Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.
I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.
Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.
We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.
Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.
Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.
Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)
No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.
Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?
No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.
Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)
No compassion for God's people.
Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.
I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Dodged a bullet? Nope. Hit by shrapnel.
Wounded but not down for good.
Just got official word. Our son can't come back this semester which is not what we were expecting. He's devastated all over again, but I am brought back to Isaiah 55:9- "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Please pray for our son Hunter- that he'll be willing to listen and learn what God is teaching him during this time.
Pray for sanity in our continually crowded house and inside my head. :) Pray that we all stay on the same team.
Thanks and love you guys.
Just got official word. Our son can't come back this semester which is not what we were expecting. He's devastated all over again, but I am brought back to Isaiah 55:9- "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Please pray for our son Hunter- that he'll be willing to listen and learn what God is teaching him during this time.
Pray for sanity in our continually crowded house and inside my head. :) Pray that we all stay on the same team.
Thanks and love you guys.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Zzzzing! That's the sound of a bullet flying by...
A bullet that it's looking like God allowed us to dodge. After having talked to the school officials today, it looks like my kid is going to get to return to school in the fall... no final, FINAL word yet... but it looks positive. Praying like crazy!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Prayer. You & me. Right Now.
Youth Sunday at our church has come and gone for another year- a great day for our YG and a horrible day for a neighboring church's. Their Youth Pastor was let go- and this is like the 5th in as many years. The poor kids just have time to forge a bond and inevitably between year one and two- he's let go by the pastor.
We now have another batch of hurt, confused kids in town. Our youth pastor knows to expect an influx of hurting kids- which has also been the pattern. The kids were told tonight, out of the blue, that their YP had been fired for "insubordination and innapropriate behavior." The hurting kids that showed up at my house afterwards (my son attends this yg as well, so a whole herd came over) said they are starting to realize that the problem isn't with the youth guys... it's with the senior guy. Kids aren't stupid.
Pray with me for them? There's a history of this particular church refusing to be involved with us and actually not allowing their kids to attend our church at all- they actually have to sign a contract if they're on the youth leadership team that they won't attend any other youth group (we're the only other one in town). We have tried repeatedly to end this spirit of competition with no luck... with shared activities, service projects, etc... Pray that the new guy is someone who will work with us to reach the youth of this area- we need all the help we can get- not a nasty spirit of competition. And pray that God will work in his church and fix whatever the problem is... no matter how high up it is.
On the homefront, my husband and son get home from a ten day mission trip on Tuesday evening- and we have to hit it hard to find out what's going on with my son's school situation... whether we'll be packing him up and shipping him off to Missouri again or looking for a job around here. Please pray that he accepts whatever God's plan is for him and is open to where God leads and doesn't try to force issues on his own. Pray his heart was touched in Bolivia. Pray that THIS was rock bottom and that God has a moldable heart to work with. Pray for wisdom for my husband and I as we try to parent this almost-grown 20-year-old.
Now, how can I pray for YOU? Please let me know!
We now have another batch of hurt, confused kids in town. Our youth pastor knows to expect an influx of hurting kids- which has also been the pattern. The kids were told tonight, out of the blue, that their YP had been fired for "insubordination and innapropriate behavior." The hurting kids that showed up at my house afterwards (my son attends this yg as well, so a whole herd came over) said they are starting to realize that the problem isn't with the youth guys... it's with the senior guy. Kids aren't stupid.
Pray with me for them? There's a history of this particular church refusing to be involved with us and actually not allowing their kids to attend our church at all- they actually have to sign a contract if they're on the youth leadership team that they won't attend any other youth group (we're the only other one in town). We have tried repeatedly to end this spirit of competition with no luck... with shared activities, service projects, etc... Pray that the new guy is someone who will work with us to reach the youth of this area- we need all the help we can get- not a nasty spirit of competition. And pray that God will work in his church and fix whatever the problem is... no matter how high up it is.
On the homefront, my husband and son get home from a ten day mission trip on Tuesday evening- and we have to hit it hard to find out what's going on with my son's school situation... whether we'll be packing him up and shipping him off to Missouri again or looking for a job around here. Please pray that he accepts whatever God's plan is for him and is open to where God leads and doesn't try to force issues on his own. Pray his heart was touched in Bolivia. Pray that THIS was rock bottom and that God has a moldable heart to work with. Pray for wisdom for my husband and I as we try to parent this almost-grown 20-year-old.
Now, how can I pray for YOU? Please let me know!
Friday, July 23, 2010
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