Things that made me happy today-

1. New pajamas.
2. The beautiful weather.
3. Being honest with my husband about something I'd never told him before.
4. The song "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse.
5. Seeing my 13 year old son work diligently on the guitar he is building.
6. My dog being happy to see me after I was gone all day.
7. Helping my son who is away at college with a girl problem.
8. Hearing from my 6th grade boyfriend on Facebook, laughing at ourselves and reminiscing, and
then finding out that he's a Christian too!
9. Not having to go to the office today.
10. and, coming up shortly... going to bed before 10 pm. :)

gulp... ww..wo..wommm...wwomenns mminnnistry

Ok, I did it. I've avoided it like the plague- and fought against it because everyone expected me to do it... and I rebelled as long as humanly possible- let's see- for over 3 years now. I even ditched Women of Faith (GASP!). As you can see from the title... I'm wary of women's ministry. I have been way overexposed to tea parties, lace, and the whiny, support-group atmosphere that can erupt from thin air in one sniffle of a nose or from one tear-laden eyelash.

Not that tea parties are bad (in England), and I find lace entirely acceptable (on feminine handkerchiefs and wedding dresses). And hey- I am ALL for girlfriends. During one particularly difficult time in my life not too long ago... my most excellent girlfriend was all that I had... and I'm certain that she listened to me drone on incessantly about all the problems in my life as we walked together three days each week. I have been subjected to more corny games than I can count, and invited to more "please come buy some stuff so I can get some free stuff" parties (candles, jewelry, home furnishings... just to name a few) that try to pass themselves off as ministry events because everyone from the ministry is invited and expected to attend or else you're a horrible, horrible person... and I got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. Man, I hate those parties. Whoever invented them should be dragged to a small room and forced to buy things that they don't really want, are not worth the price, and that they absolutely can't afford. And then they should be put on the spot over and over again until they cave in and give a party of their own and make all of their friends just as uncomfortable as they were made to feel. But, I digress.

I've been feeling for a while that it was time to move on from being a youth group sponsor and focus on the area our church really needs to work on... the women's ministry. I started feeling guilty because I knew I was no longer needed in the youth department- they've been rocking for a while now. I even went out and got a tattoo to remind myself of how rebellious I was and that women's ministry was just not my thing. Don't worry- it's just a little butterfly on my shoulder- not a tramp stamp that says "I hate women's ministry" in really gothic, swirly writing across the top of my bum (that would be totally funny though- can you have temporary tattoos printed?).

I know, I'm really sarcastic and on the verge of offending those who hold Women's Ministry near and dear to their hearts. I'm sorry. I do love women and I care deeply for their spiritual growth and for them as people... as my friends. And I'm not as immature as I sound. This is a vent blog, remember? Don't worry, because God has been working on me.

I started my Bible study two weeks ago. It was obviously a need in our church because almost 30 women showed up. There were so many of us we had to divide into small groups and meet in areas all over my house. I had to leave my group to get something from the kitchen last night and I heard peals of laughter from every corner of my home. It made me smile. Friendships are forming and women are sharing and giving. Women who felt all alone are connecting. Ministry among women is happening. And I'm really enjoying it. Yeah, there's the difficult one who interrupts everyone and tells story after story about things that don't relate AT ALL to what it is we're talking about. But there's also the one who got hurt at her last church and is scared to trust again, and the one who's husband just left her, and the one who struggles with an autistic child. Maybe the key for me is to see the individuals that I can love- away from all the fluff that can be women's ministry- and appreciate them for who they are, where they've been, and where they're going.

I think I can handle that.

It's Saturday... 9:59 am-

and I should not be working in the church office today. (Just thought I'd point that out.) Sigh.

Dear Mr. Anonymous,

Thank you for your truly inspired comments on our info cards last Sunday. They revealed several things to me.

First of all, I realize that you are not involved in our body, because you are not aware of the things that happen behind the scenes (and even not-so-behind the scenes)- the calling, the hospital visits, the notes, the personal contacts during the week and on Sundays. You are not aware of what goes into my husband's 40-60 hour work week, or my 40-50 hour work week.

Second, you said things just to hurt us. Therefore, I realize that you are not presenting a list of issues that are near and dear to your heart, and you aren't really trying to "improve" us. You don't really want us to pray about these things... you just want to stir up trouble. Good luck with that. Um, you are messing with someone a lot bigger than you...

Third, God is in control of this church- not you- and so I'm not going to take your snarky comments personally or spend any time worrying about them. If God lets us know through valid means that there's something we need to work on, then we will kill ourselves to accomplish it. I'm not going to let you take my eyes off the game here because you are not being catered to.

Lastly, I realize how cowardly anonymous comments are. It's easy to be mean in secret. We invite you to come forward and discuss your "concerns" openly, honestly, and in love. We would love to answer your accusations and discuss how we might be able to improve the way we do things- we are completely open to that as servants of Christ.

While we won't be holding our breath, we'll leave the back door open.

allow me an emo moment...

I'm not usually one to post words to a song, but this one really touched me. It is my prayer as I start the new year with new resolve not to be a big fat whiny baby (see previous post). You should totally buy it for your ipod or other portable encouragement device!

The Storm

Lifehouse/Who We Are

how long have I been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see You

everything will be alright

if I'd see You

this darkness will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and You will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into Your eyes

I know everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

I know You didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see You

everything would be alright

if I’d see You

this darkness would turn to light

and I will walk on water

and You will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into Your eyes

I know everything will be alright

everything's alright.

My verse for 2009 is:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10

I had a small epiphany during services today. It's funny because it's all stuff I already knew... I've been a Christian practically all of my life... things just hit me in the head today- and it happened to be while I was listening (for once). Usually, when things knock me in the head... I just wonder where the bruise came from... today I was fully present and I know that I heard from God. Here is what he said to me:

"Stop being a big fat whiny baby. Stop coming up with excuses as to why you aren't fit for where I've placed you. I have you here for a reason... accept it. Work it. Use it for My good. Stop complaining- your weaknesses only show My strength and your self-perceived inadequacies don't matter. You are where you are for this season- don't bury the talents you were given in the ground. Honor me and I will honor you."

I've had serious adjustment issues with becoming a pastor's wife. We made the switch into ministry in October of '05, so I'm going on a little over three years now... internally rebelling all the way. I really liked being a cop's wife. There was a certain amount of security there... certainly more money... and a lot less expected of me.

I didn't feel like I was living in... well... a fish bowl (HEY- what a great name for a blog!). I have felt so much pressure, constant scrutiny. I have never felt so... imperfect and weak. Both physically, mentally, and emotionally. But yeah, that verse got to me today... and during Communion... I heard from God.

I know that what has been asked of me is nothing compared to the sacrifice that Christ made... and He certainly wasn't a big fat whiny baby.

So I'm going to do my best. I'm stepping up to the plate, Lord. And I'm going to swing for the fence. Your grace is sufficient for me.

I survived Christmas.

Isn't that a horrible thing to say? It is 4 pm two days after Christmas- and I'm laying on the couch in my pajamas and new robe from Victoria's Secret- freshly showered with clean fluffy hair and not a stitch of makeup on. I am ready for bed. Like, three days worth of bed.

I am completely exhausted- mentally, physically, and emotionally. Here's the "cheese with my whine" show... so you may want to stop reading here! You have been warned.

Mentally: So much to think about. From the gift-getting (which was actually minimal this year) to just being on staff at a plant church- where so much work falls to so few staff members. I've been fretting over the Christmas services for months- and they were fantastic. We planned them for the 22nd and 23rd. We ran about 133 the first night and a little over 300 the second night- very successful for us- and things went smoothly. It was funny, touching, and people left with smiles on their faces. But planning and executing every detail was mentally exhausting. We left on the 24th to go to one set of our parents- then late on the 25th to make it to the other set. Family had flown in from all over the country for both sides- there was all that catching up to do- with no real down time, because we could only stay for about 24 hours each... staying up late... getting up early.... I feel like I've been "on" since last Sunday... know what I mean?

Physically: I haven't mentioned this yet, but I have lupus- diagnosed at age 18 (I'm 39 now... you do the math). I mostly do ok, but when I go and go (as mentioned above)- it really catches up to me. I have been hit with exhaustion and an arthritis flare up that could keep me on this couch for a couple of days... which I can't let it happen. More family is coming to visit our church tomorrow and I just can't be down for the count. I'm waiting to find out what the next step is with an impending knee replacement surgery (which I am looking forward to so I can be active again)- again arthritis related. Pray that whatever the next hoop I have to jump through for the insurance company comes quickly.

Emotionally: Difficult Christmas at my mom's house. We lost my brother in a motorcycle accident this year- and just helping to keep my mom's spirits up is emotionally exhausting. She isn't doing well and lives a relatively isolated life- so she sits and dwells on things- and just gets sadder and sadder. Not to mention dealing with my own grief and feelings about the loss during Christmas... but not really being able to show it in front of her because it really sets her off.

So that this isn't just another whiny post- I think it's important to list some of the good things that have happened this year... some of the blessings that have come my way:

• The restoration of a friendship that I needed but wasn't sure if we could ever move past some of the issues or not. Turns out our friendship was stronger than the issues.
  
• I have been relatively healthy this year.
• Our church is growing and thriving and it's so exciting to be a part of- even though I still sometimes wonder how I got here...
• We just paid off about half of our debt- and are working hard on the rest of it.
• We are almost through the hardest year our family has ever faced together as we deal with my brother's death.
• I went through a real spiritual dry spell for about 18 months- and I'm coming out of it to bask in God's love for me. It's pretty awesome.
  
• I know my Father will give me the strength to deal with all that He's given me.
  

Peace to you~