I always thought this song by R.E.M. was about someone turning away from God. Then I listened to the lyrics I was singing along to...and discovered that wasn't it at all and in fact, I tend to "lose my religion" and get angry at silly things on a regular basis.
I lost my religion today with a waiter. You know, the disappearing waiter. The one who comes right away to take your order and bring your drinks with a big smile. He looks so promising. Then he just doesn't come back. Not even when the people in another waiter's section who arrived twenty minutes after you have already received their food and are working on dessert. You know... that waiter.
The one who breezes by your table and, when stopped to ask when your food will be out after you've been waiting for 35 minutes, gets testy and says, "It is being prepared," and you have a sinking feeling that it's been sitting under a warming lamp for half an hour while he took his smoking break and your sandwich will now have a spitefully placed chest hair plucked fresh from his roommate who's working the grill. Remember him?
The guy who finally brings your food and then doesn't come back to refill your first Coke or check to see if everything is ok, forcing you to choke down your lunch sans liquid? And then he only appears with an annoyed expression on his face after you've asked another waiter to track him down so you can get a refill and swallow your food? The one who made your fellow diners feel uncomfortable because I was gazing longingly at their drinks? Yeah, that one.
My husband got an earfull from me... but wouldn't say anything to the manager about our service or the rudeness of our waiter. His repeated words were, "Ang, chill out!".
So how did I lose my religion with him? With a spray of angry, unchristian words? A nasty note to the manager? Trashing their restroom?
Nope. I only tipped him 10%.
Can anyone say BURN?!?! Didn't think so.
And that is why I had to come home and write about it.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Bondage
What's holding you captive? I'm just wrapping up the first week of the updated Beth Moore study "Breaking Free." So far, of course, it's amazing... and I have a small group of women I love and respect that are participating.
I've never really thought of myself as being in bondage to anything, but the deeper I get into the study... the more I think I'll be re-evaluating that self-assessment. I guess there is one major thing that I can name right off the get-go; the first one is most important, and I'm just going to think about it today. It's Resentment.
1. There are a lot of things I've resented... but the biggie is that God put Hubby and I into the role of pastor & wife. Selfish, I know. And even ridiculous, because, after praying about it for two years... I am the one that told him we'd never be happy unless we followed God's calling on his life and we needed to make the jump into full time ministry. I meant it when I said it. But I was in no way prepared for the toll this would take on our family time, the stress it would add to our lives, and the way it would decimate our schedule. Then there's the fact that we gave up a very comfortable paycheck for the uncertainty of an income reliant on people giving to the church. Don't even get me started on the people who feel they right to say anything at all to you (or your family) since they "pay your salary."
So, being in ministry has resulted in me having to trust God for my daily bread and not be as selfish with my personal and family time. Those are both good things, right?
Summarizing: I'm a control freak. I try to be a very kind control freak... but there it is none-the-less. I'm not in control. I hate that. I'm selfish too... and I resent things (unplanned counseling sessions, too many meetings) that constantly encroach on my family time. (Would a better managed schedule, both for myself and my husband, work in this area? Marking off sacred time together?)
Lesson One: I must let go of my need for control and work on eliminating selfishness. How do you kill selfishness where your personal and family time is concerned?
2. I dearly love my in-laws, but I'm resentful that they have now been living with us for over a year. We get along great and on the surface, things are peachy. But to my knowledge, they have no plan to do anything but live with their three kids (mostly us) for the rest of their lives. They haven't come out and said that... but let's just say... there are no plans or talk of moving. They do not pay rent. They are in bankrupsy, both personal and business. They give us money on occasion, probably $2,000 for the year they've lived with us (or almost 1 month's mortgage for us). They buy groceries on occasion, but rarely cook. They have a nice set-up in our basement (fridge, microwave, their own bathroom, a nice bedroom, the good tv), but stay upstairs (in my part of the house) about 12 hours a day... so I have no personal time with my family. My father in law has started yet another business- in my garage- and his plans for moving out of my garage include moving into rented space right next to our church offices. So, not only do I have the joy of living with him, but also seeing him at work every day- he will be popping in frequently, I'm certain. I'm stuck with trying hard not to complain to my husband and put him in the middle. It's HARD. My mother in law has changed all my cooking utensils; they were old, but I liked them. She's re-arranged my kitchen drawers. I can no longer find my spatulas. Ever. Oh, and I'm resentful that my husband's brother and sister do not send us any assistance- that the entire burden is on us.
Lesson two: I really have no idea. Compassion? Sympathy? Patience? Whatever the lesson is... I hope I learn it FAST. Wait, that wasn't patient at all, was it? sigh.
I know I sound like... I'm just going to say it because it's the best word for it... a bitch. I really am a nice person, and I promise that no one, either in our congregation or in my home, knows that I have these feelings of resentment. I am an excellent Southern Belle, and polite to a fault... which is why I tend to bottle up things like anger and resentment... because they aren't pretty.
Listen, I don't want to turn into this complaining, unhappy, bitter old woman; I want to love my life. I will fight for that- because I know, ultimately, that being where God wants you to be is where it's at.
I love my Jesus, and I'm thankful for where He's brought us and all that He's done in our lives... in my life. I am committed to doing this right, for His glory... so maybe part of moving towards that is naming the things that I'm struggling with and evaluating them. Admitting. Learning. Growing. Moving forward.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
I've never really thought of myself as being in bondage to anything, but the deeper I get into the study... the more I think I'll be re-evaluating that self-assessment. I guess there is one major thing that I can name right off the get-go; the first one is most important, and I'm just going to think about it today. It's Resentment.
1. There are a lot of things I've resented... but the biggie is that God put Hubby and I into the role of pastor & wife. Selfish, I know. And even ridiculous, because, after praying about it for two years... I am the one that told him we'd never be happy unless we followed God's calling on his life and we needed to make the jump into full time ministry. I meant it when I said it. But I was in no way prepared for the toll this would take on our family time, the stress it would add to our lives, and the way it would decimate our schedule. Then there's the fact that we gave up a very comfortable paycheck for the uncertainty of an income reliant on people giving to the church. Don't even get me started on the people who feel they right to say anything at all to you (or your family) since they "pay your salary."
So, being in ministry has resulted in me having to trust God for my daily bread and not be as selfish with my personal and family time. Those are both good things, right?
Summarizing: I'm a control freak. I try to be a very kind control freak... but there it is none-the-less. I'm not in control. I hate that. I'm selfish too... and I resent things (unplanned counseling sessions, too many meetings) that constantly encroach on my family time. (Would a better managed schedule, both for myself and my husband, work in this area? Marking off sacred time together?)
Lesson One: I must let go of my need for control and work on eliminating selfishness. How do you kill selfishness where your personal and family time is concerned?
2. I dearly love my in-laws, but I'm resentful that they have now been living with us for over a year. We get along great and on the surface, things are peachy. But to my knowledge, they have no plan to do anything but live with their three kids (mostly us) for the rest of their lives. They haven't come out and said that... but let's just say... there are no plans or talk of moving. They do not pay rent. They are in bankrupsy, both personal and business. They give us money on occasion, probably $2,000 for the year they've lived with us (or almost 1 month's mortgage for us). They buy groceries on occasion, but rarely cook. They have a nice set-up in our basement (fridge, microwave, their own bathroom, a nice bedroom, the good tv), but stay upstairs (in my part of the house) about 12 hours a day... so I have no personal time with my family. My father in law has started yet another business- in my garage- and his plans for moving out of my garage include moving into rented space right next to our church offices. So, not only do I have the joy of living with him, but also seeing him at work every day- he will be popping in frequently, I'm certain. I'm stuck with trying hard not to complain to my husband and put him in the middle. It's HARD. My mother in law has changed all my cooking utensils; they were old, but I liked them. She's re-arranged my kitchen drawers. I can no longer find my spatulas. Ever. Oh, and I'm resentful that my husband's brother and sister do not send us any assistance- that the entire burden is on us.
Lesson two: I really have no idea. Compassion? Sympathy? Patience? Whatever the lesson is... I hope I learn it FAST. Wait, that wasn't patient at all, was it? sigh.
I know I sound like... I'm just going to say it because it's the best word for it... a bitch. I really am a nice person, and I promise that no one, either in our congregation or in my home, knows that I have these feelings of resentment. I am an excellent Southern Belle, and polite to a fault... which is why I tend to bottle up things like anger and resentment... because they aren't pretty.
Listen, I don't want to turn into this complaining, unhappy, bitter old woman; I want to love my life. I will fight for that- because I know, ultimately, that being where God wants you to be is where it's at.
I love my Jesus, and I'm thankful for where He's brought us and all that He's done in our lives... in my life. I am committed to doing this right, for His glory... so maybe part of moving towards that is naming the things that I'm struggling with and evaluating them. Admitting. Learning. Growing. Moving forward.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Back & A Question?!
I'm back. Wrote a 50,000 word novel in November; still haven't finished it. Regardless, Nanowrimo.org says I'm a WINNER. :)
I'm feeling bad for my husband right now- He's had a horrible week of person after person sucking the life out of him, and one of them was loaded for bear. It's hard to have the love we're supposed to when people are attacking your family.
Ok, so... here's my question: How much of a pastor's life experiences/sermon illustrations belong to him?
Specifically: a woman who doesn't go to our church wrote me a very nasty (and uninformed) letter criticizing a recent trip I took to New York, calling me worldly, etc... I journaled my trip on Facebook and apparently it got under her skin. She attacked out of the blue. For the Full Monty, read the previous post. :)
My husband had just started a series on "Difficult People" and the final week was on the "overly critical person". Four weeks after it occurred, he mentioned this letter I got as an example of when it was right to answer a mis-informed person's criticism. He did not mention any names and I hadn't told anyone about the letter she sent me. The only people who knew about it were me, my husband, and this woman.
Her sister attends our church (the letter writer does not and is a "friend" of the family), but we had no idea that she knew about the letter; in fact, I had a couple of conversations with her sister asking me all about my trip and excited to hear about it. Because of these conversations, I assumed she knew nothing.
So hubby mentions that I get this letter of criticism, reads a couple of lines from it and said that I answered her concerns because she didn't have the correct info (the trip was a gift; I wasn't out spending extravagantly, etc... not that it's any of her business). Apparently, her sister DID know about the letter and this family is angry that hubby used the letter as an example, even though he gave away no identifying info whatsoever.
Here's what I think, but I may be too close to the situation to see clearly.
The moment she sent me that letter (via Facebook, no less)it became my property. The letter was greatly upsetting to me and I shared it with my husband. A month later, a life experience of ours (this lovely letter) happened to fit perfectly as an illustration into a message series that had been planned since January.
Hubby shared it in a way in which no one was implicated, and it was ok to do so because the writer didn't even attend our church. Had his sharing been with the intent to cause a stir or make her look bad, he could have made it clear who wrote the letter. That was never the intent.
I honestly don't think we/hubby did anything wrong- or anything that would displease God. We've prayed about this and asked the Holy Spirit to convict us if we needed to apologize for anything... and so far, a couple of weeks later, neither of us do. But, wonderful man that he is, hubby is still going to contact the family and try to make things right.
I also believe that had I not been a "Pastor's Wife" (insert angels singing in the background here) I would have never received a letter like this in the first place. It would have been ok to take an expensive trip, blow enormous amounts of money, journal it on Facebook, and brag to all my friends about it.
Thoughts? I'd be interested to know your honest opinion...
I'm feeling bad for my husband right now- He's had a horrible week of person after person sucking the life out of him, and one of them was loaded for bear. It's hard to have the love we're supposed to when people are attacking your family.
Ok, so... here's my question: How much of a pastor's life experiences/sermon illustrations belong to him?
Specifically: a woman who doesn't go to our church wrote me a very nasty (and uninformed) letter criticizing a recent trip I took to New York, calling me worldly, etc... I journaled my trip on Facebook and apparently it got under her skin. She attacked out of the blue. For the Full Monty, read the previous post. :)
My husband had just started a series on "Difficult People" and the final week was on the "overly critical person". Four weeks after it occurred, he mentioned this letter I got as an example of when it was right to answer a mis-informed person's criticism. He did not mention any names and I hadn't told anyone about the letter she sent me. The only people who knew about it were me, my husband, and this woman.
Her sister attends our church (the letter writer does not and is a "friend" of the family), but we had no idea that she knew about the letter; in fact, I had a couple of conversations with her sister asking me all about my trip and excited to hear about it. Because of these conversations, I assumed she knew nothing.
So hubby mentions that I get this letter of criticism, reads a couple of lines from it and said that I answered her concerns because she didn't have the correct info (the trip was a gift; I wasn't out spending extravagantly, etc... not that it's any of her business). Apparently, her sister DID know about the letter and this family is angry that hubby used the letter as an example, even though he gave away no identifying info whatsoever.
Here's what I think, but I may be too close to the situation to see clearly.
The moment she sent me that letter (via Facebook, no less)it became my property. The letter was greatly upsetting to me and I shared it with my husband. A month later, a life experience of ours (this lovely letter) happened to fit perfectly as an illustration into a message series that had been planned since January.
Hubby shared it in a way in which no one was implicated, and it was ok to do so because the writer didn't even attend our church. Had his sharing been with the intent to cause a stir or make her look bad, he could have made it clear who wrote the letter. That was never the intent.
I honestly don't think we/hubby did anything wrong- or anything that would displease God. We've prayed about this and asked the Holy Spirit to convict us if we needed to apologize for anything... and so far, a couple of weeks later, neither of us do. But, wonderful man that he is, hubby is still going to contact the family and try to make things right.
I also believe that had I not been a "Pastor's Wife" (insert angels singing in the background here) I would have never received a letter like this in the first place. It would have been ok to take an expensive trip, blow enormous amounts of money, journal it on Facebook, and brag to all my friends about it.
Thoughts? I'd be interested to know your honest opinion...
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Vacation Week: Temporary Sanity Regained
Had a great week in New York with a girlfriend. I loved it and now am considering adding it to my list of places to run away to. We flew in Monday morning and came back home Friday night. It was wonderful- a week away without church stress (almost).
I say almost because I got a nasty-gram on Friday morning via Facebook. I had a 15-minute time span where I let it ruin my trip, and then I decided that I wasn't going to do that. That this stupid person wasn't going to take this week away from me. As a preface, all through the week I journaled our activities on Facebook. Lots of friends and family were following. I posted tons of pics and comments, and got a lot of comments back. It was all lighthearted and humorous- a look at NYC through my eyes, chronicling our trip to the Empire State Building, The Statue of Liberty, our dining experiences, window shopping at Tiffany's, and a Broadway Play. Then the following appeared in my message in-box on Friday morning:
Dear A: Just a thought here. Would like to let you know why I am removing you as a friend on FB. The posts about your lavish spending and extravagant outings, is leaving a gross taste in my mouth. Personally, I don't need to know about every detail about your jaunt to NY. What was probably most disturbing was your comment about sweet baby Jesus in regard to a cheesecake you were eyeing. I feel that the message you are portraying is that it is OK to have an appetite for worldly pleasures. Please consider my opinion as a former youth group student of yours.
Respectfully, M.
I was stunned, hurt and upset. I would just like to point out that had I ANY profession other than a pastor's wife, I would never have received this criticism. Life in the fishbowl. Journaling on FB like I did is something I would have done whether I was a pw or not. The only thing I can see as a fair criticism was that I quoted a line from a Will Ferrell movie and used the term "sweet baby Jesus in a manger" after tasting the most incredible piece of cheesecake I'd ever had. I wasn't swearing (it was an over-exaggerated "awesome!")- merely comparing two wonderful (albeit inequal) things. So, though I don't agree with her assessment on that point, I can see her side. I should probably be more careful about what I throw out there. But the rest... not so much.
So here's how I replied: Thanks for your thoughts, M- I'm really sorry that anything I said offended you. As for the lavish spending, the friend that brought me to New York has paid for everything- hotel, food, and airfare as a gift because god has blessed her financially. So the "lavish spending and extravagant outings" are certainly not as they appear to you. Sometimes god blesses us by putting people in our lives who can bless us. And that's what my friend Brenda has done for me- blessing me with a once in a lifetime trip that I could have never afforded in a hundred years. As for the frequent postings, it's my way of journaling the trip on the go. Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm not boasting- just sharing my joy and excitement with friends and family who are following and happy that I've been given this opportunity. It's not a sin to have fun and enjoy and remember things- or to share them with others- especially those who are interested. I will admit that your judgemental assumptions are hurtful. I'm not going to get into a back-and-forth exchange on this subject, so thanks for sharing your thoughts and I feel that I've said all I want to say as well. Sincerely, A.
I wanted to drop a little Matthew 7:1 on her... but I decided not to preach and to rise above.
I felt better after I sent my reply... but the whole situation just sucks. As strongly as I feel that I've done nothing wrong, this reinforces to me that everything we in the ministry do and say is watched. Some are watching out of admiration; some are watching and waiting for us to trip up. Should I have not journaled on FB? I don't think God wants me to change who I am- and that was (and is) who I am; I share the good things in my life. This whole thing makes me angry, but again, I'm getting better and better at letting things roll off my back. It just stinks that that's part of my job description.
I say almost because I got a nasty-gram on Friday morning via Facebook. I had a 15-minute time span where I let it ruin my trip, and then I decided that I wasn't going to do that. That this stupid person wasn't going to take this week away from me. As a preface, all through the week I journaled our activities on Facebook. Lots of friends and family were following. I posted tons of pics and comments, and got a lot of comments back. It was all lighthearted and humorous- a look at NYC through my eyes, chronicling our trip to the Empire State Building, The Statue of Liberty, our dining experiences, window shopping at Tiffany's, and a Broadway Play. Then the following appeared in my message in-box on Friday morning:
Dear A: Just a thought here. Would like to let you know why I am removing you as a friend on FB. The posts about your lavish spending and extravagant outings, is leaving a gross taste in my mouth. Personally, I don't need to know about every detail about your jaunt to NY. What was probably most disturbing was your comment about sweet baby Jesus in regard to a cheesecake you were eyeing. I feel that the message you are portraying is that it is OK to have an appetite for worldly pleasures. Please consider my opinion as a former youth group student of yours.
Respectfully, M.
I was stunned, hurt and upset. I would just like to point out that had I ANY profession other than a pastor's wife, I would never have received this criticism. Life in the fishbowl. Journaling on FB like I did is something I would have done whether I was a pw or not. The only thing I can see as a fair criticism was that I quoted a line from a Will Ferrell movie and used the term "sweet baby Jesus in a manger" after tasting the most incredible piece of cheesecake I'd ever had. I wasn't swearing (it was an over-exaggerated "awesome!")- merely comparing two wonderful (albeit inequal) things. So, though I don't agree with her assessment on that point, I can see her side. I should probably be more careful about what I throw out there. But the rest... not so much.
So here's how I replied: Thanks for your thoughts, M- I'm really sorry that anything I said offended you. As for the lavish spending, the friend that brought me to New York has paid for everything- hotel, food, and airfare as a gift because god has blessed her financially. So the "lavish spending and extravagant outings" are certainly not as they appear to you. Sometimes god blesses us by putting people in our lives who can bless us. And that's what my friend Brenda has done for me- blessing me with a once in a lifetime trip that I could have never afforded in a hundred years. As for the frequent postings, it's my way of journaling the trip on the go. Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm not boasting- just sharing my joy and excitement with friends and family who are following and happy that I've been given this opportunity. It's not a sin to have fun and enjoy and remember things- or to share them with others- especially those who are interested. I will admit that your judgemental assumptions are hurtful. I'm not going to get into a back-and-forth exchange on this subject, so thanks for sharing your thoughts and I feel that I've said all I want to say as well. Sincerely, A.
I wanted to drop a little Matthew 7:1 on her... but I decided not to preach and to rise above.
I felt better after I sent my reply... but the whole situation just sucks. As strongly as I feel that I've done nothing wrong, this reinforces to me that everything we in the ministry do and say is watched. Some are watching out of admiration; some are watching and waiting for us to trip up. Should I have not journaled on FB? I don't think God wants me to change who I am- and that was (and is) who I am; I share the good things in my life. This whole thing makes me angry, but again, I'm getting better and better at letting things roll off my back. It just stinks that that's part of my job description.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
My wit's end...
I just felt my blood pressure rise about 100 points. I am so stressed with my job- which has amounted to managing the money at the church along with the other secretarial duties. Coming into a building project has blown the financial end of things into major proportions for me- and amplified how un-qualified I feel for this position.
We're at that office on a Saturday night putting together a presentation for our 5th anniversary since we launched and going over figures and tracing donations, etc...I really don't feel like I can take much more of this. I have a headache, my heart is hammering- this sucks. And I suck at it.
I have James 1:5 tacked to my bulletin board over my desk: "God is always ready to give us abundant wisdom when we ask for the right reasons." I don't know a right-er reason than this... finances have never been my forte... and I'm scared to death I'm going to screw something up.
Jesus, please either make me smarter, or rescue me from these numbers- I don't care which you do, but I can't go on like this. I am begging for rescue. I hate my job but we desperately need my salary. Please help me.
We're at that office on a Saturday night putting together a presentation for our 5th anniversary since we launched and going over figures and tracing donations, etc...I really don't feel like I can take much more of this. I have a headache, my heart is hammering- this sucks. And I suck at it.
I have James 1:5 tacked to my bulletin board over my desk: "God is always ready to give us abundant wisdom when we ask for the right reasons." I don't know a right-er reason than this... finances have never been my forte... and I'm scared to death I'm going to screw something up.
Jesus, please either make me smarter, or rescue me from these numbers- I don't care which you do, but I can't go on like this. I am begging for rescue. I hate my job but we desperately need my salary. Please help me.
Friday, September 24, 2010
My head is spinning...
I've admitted it before- I am a "fixer". And I don't know whether something I did is me circumventing God and trying to "fix" something myself, or if it's a step of faith he's leading me in. How do you tell the difference? For me, I have decided to just do it and pray for God to open and close doors.
I'm talking about getting a different job- I filled out an application at Children's Hospital online at 1am last night- and yes, it was stress-induced. There are a couple of issues that led to this reach for another position.
First of all, I've been thinking about it. Handling the money here at our church stresses me out to the max. It has been a rough summer financially with lots of money outgoing. About 33K on a mission trip, 12K on our summer outreach, and recently, about 2K on different kid's curriculum. We've had trouble making payroll more than once. People are excited about the building fund and giving to that- which is amazing... but our general (operating) fund has been running frighteningly close to empty. I hate knowing who gives and who doesn't. Which elders and other leaders most likely aren't tithing, and things like that. I'm tired of knowing everything about everyone. All their dirty laundry... I'm tired of not being protected from knowing everything my husband has to deal with. We are now, in the midst of trying to recover from a rough summer, trying to put together financials for a building project. More Stress. I am not an accountant. I had panic attacks during the 5th grade when we had to take timed multiplication tests. Seriously. And I've mentioned before that I think I might be a better, more caring PW if I wasn't involved in the day-to-day running of the church and all the stress that goes with it. I could just support my husband and find my own ministry.
So, I've kind of had my eye out for a different job. One I could go and do... and then come home without bringing it with me. Currently I work with my husband forty-plus hours a week, and most of the time at home our thoughts and discussions are church related. How can we not bring it home with us when there are elder meetings, health team meetings, leadership team meetings, women's ministry meetings, bible studies, prayer requests, counseling requests, complaints, suggestions... and so on and so forth. Our house is constantly "open" to whoever needs us because there are only four staff members, and one of them lives too far out to handle emergencies. The other is our youth pastor who takes care of all the youth and children's stuff... leaving my husband and me with about 350 adults to tend. So, that was issue number one: I've already been thinking about it.
Issue number two is our youth pastor and his young family. He's been with us a couple of years now, and they have since had a baby. His parents helped them buy a forclosure home when they moved out here and they are not living out of their price range. But they aren't getting paid enough- like- really. My husband knows it, the elders know it, and they've been trying really hard to make it-without complaining. But I think they're reaching the point where they can't do it anymore. He's had the 2% increase yearly, but with a complicated birth and high hospital bills and several other issues...they are really struggling. He recently gave his home budget to my husband (who took it to the elder's mtg. last night) to show him how they spend their money, show that they weren't wasting it, and show their monthly shortfall, which is over 1K a month. I feel so bad for them. Granted, neither my husband or I have accepted a raise since this church launched... but we are making it, though things are tight. I'm afraid we are going to lose them. They are such a good fit here, the chemistry is great, everyone loves them... and I know he's already been approached once by another church and has turned it down because he wants to stay here.
My husband went to the elders meeting, shared all the needs, including a raise for the YP, talked about the awesome giving for the building fund and all the great things happening with the building project, and then got to the nightmare of our general fund which hasn't recovered from the summer yet. The elder's response: how can we give him a raise when we're struggling to make payroll? This led to a whole other discussion/disagreement with my husband about whether elders should make decisions based on finances or not- and whether they should even see them- I'll discuss that in a different post. Anyway, kick in my desire to fix things. So I'm trolling for jobs online last night because I can't sleep.
I fond one that might work for a variety of reasons- including getting my son to school and back (he goes to a charter school in town and we drive 144 miles a day getting him there and back five days a week). Also, it's in an environment I think I'd like. And it seems like a job I could do and then blissfully go home and leave it there. Honestly, it's probably customer service/data entry kind of stuff. Nothing spectacular, probably a little boring, but after what this past year has been like... I'm totally cool with that. So, sandwiched between my snoring husband in the bed and the snoring dog on the floor... I apply for this job, cover letter, resume and all. Without talking to him about it. Which probably isn't going to go over so well. But my reasoning is: I'm guessing that about 500 other people have applied for this position and I probably won't get a call in the first place... and if they do call, I interview and am offered a job, I can always say NO based on my husband's input. He wants me to stay at the church office, by the way... he LIKES working with me- he just wants me to be able to ditch the financial end of things, thereby (he thinks) ending all my job-related stress. I don't think that's going to fix the stress factor for me.
Are you wondering how I think this is going to "fix" things for our youth pastor and his family? Basically, I think I'm overpaid. I'm a little ashamed to admit it. I'm paid 30K to run the office and do all that I do. They could hire someone who actually has a gift for finances and does all the things I do for 20 to 22K-and then have money in the budget for an increase for our YP. Oh, and I wouldn't have the stress of my job here at the church.
I hit the final "apply for job" button around 1:20am with a prayer that God would open and close the doors that were right for us. And that my husband won't kill me (I'm going to wait for a little while to tell him, I think). And that I'm doing this for the right reasons... that it was God's prompting that I even discovered the job in the first place... or that at the very least it opens my husband's eyes to my desperation. I don't know what's righ. I don't know what God wants for me. I don't even know if I did this with the right motivation. But I'm praying that God can take what I did and reveal what he wants FROM me and FOR me.
What do you think about all of this? My head is spinning and I would appreciate your prayers and your honesty (if anyone has any thoughts). You can even reply privately at justafishinabowl(at)gmail(dot)com. (I don't want any spammers!) :) Blessings to you all.
I'm talking about getting a different job- I filled out an application at Children's Hospital online at 1am last night- and yes, it was stress-induced. There are a couple of issues that led to this reach for another position.
First of all, I've been thinking about it. Handling the money here at our church stresses me out to the max. It has been a rough summer financially with lots of money outgoing. About 33K on a mission trip, 12K on our summer outreach, and recently, about 2K on different kid's curriculum. We've had trouble making payroll more than once. People are excited about the building fund and giving to that- which is amazing... but our general (operating) fund has been running frighteningly close to empty. I hate knowing who gives and who doesn't. Which elders and other leaders most likely aren't tithing, and things like that. I'm tired of knowing everything about everyone. All their dirty laundry... I'm tired of not being protected from knowing everything my husband has to deal with. We are now, in the midst of trying to recover from a rough summer, trying to put together financials for a building project. More Stress. I am not an accountant. I had panic attacks during the 5th grade when we had to take timed multiplication tests. Seriously. And I've mentioned before that I think I might be a better, more caring PW if I wasn't involved in the day-to-day running of the church and all the stress that goes with it. I could just support my husband and find my own ministry.
So, I've kind of had my eye out for a different job. One I could go and do... and then come home without bringing it with me. Currently I work with my husband forty-plus hours a week, and most of the time at home our thoughts and discussions are church related. How can we not bring it home with us when there are elder meetings, health team meetings, leadership team meetings, women's ministry meetings, bible studies, prayer requests, counseling requests, complaints, suggestions... and so on and so forth. Our house is constantly "open" to whoever needs us because there are only four staff members, and one of them lives too far out to handle emergencies. The other is our youth pastor who takes care of all the youth and children's stuff... leaving my husband and me with about 350 adults to tend. So, that was issue number one: I've already been thinking about it.
Issue number two is our youth pastor and his young family. He's been with us a couple of years now, and they have since had a baby. His parents helped them buy a forclosure home when they moved out here and they are not living out of their price range. But they aren't getting paid enough- like- really. My husband knows it, the elders know it, and they've been trying really hard to make it-without complaining. But I think they're reaching the point where they can't do it anymore. He's had the 2% increase yearly, but with a complicated birth and high hospital bills and several other issues...they are really struggling. He recently gave his home budget to my husband (who took it to the elder's mtg. last night) to show him how they spend their money, show that they weren't wasting it, and show their monthly shortfall, which is over 1K a month. I feel so bad for them. Granted, neither my husband or I have accepted a raise since this church launched... but we are making it, though things are tight. I'm afraid we are going to lose them. They are such a good fit here, the chemistry is great, everyone loves them... and I know he's already been approached once by another church and has turned it down because he wants to stay here.
My husband went to the elders meeting, shared all the needs, including a raise for the YP, talked about the awesome giving for the building fund and all the great things happening with the building project, and then got to the nightmare of our general fund which hasn't recovered from the summer yet. The elder's response: how can we give him a raise when we're struggling to make payroll? This led to a whole other discussion/disagreement with my husband about whether elders should make decisions based on finances or not- and whether they should even see them- I'll discuss that in a different post. Anyway, kick in my desire to fix things. So I'm trolling for jobs online last night because I can't sleep.
I fond one that might work for a variety of reasons- including getting my son to school and back (he goes to a charter school in town and we drive 144 miles a day getting him there and back five days a week). Also, it's in an environment I think I'd like. And it seems like a job I could do and then blissfully go home and leave it there. Honestly, it's probably customer service/data entry kind of stuff. Nothing spectacular, probably a little boring, but after what this past year has been like... I'm totally cool with that. So, sandwiched between my snoring husband in the bed and the snoring dog on the floor... I apply for this job, cover letter, resume and all. Without talking to him about it. Which probably isn't going to go over so well. But my reasoning is: I'm guessing that about 500 other people have applied for this position and I probably won't get a call in the first place... and if they do call, I interview and am offered a job, I can always say NO based on my husband's input. He wants me to stay at the church office, by the way... he LIKES working with me- he just wants me to be able to ditch the financial end of things, thereby (he thinks) ending all my job-related stress. I don't think that's going to fix the stress factor for me.
Are you wondering how I think this is going to "fix" things for our youth pastor and his family? Basically, I think I'm overpaid. I'm a little ashamed to admit it. I'm paid 30K to run the office and do all that I do. They could hire someone who actually has a gift for finances and does all the things I do for 20 to 22K-and then have money in the budget for an increase for our YP. Oh, and I wouldn't have the stress of my job here at the church.
I hit the final "apply for job" button around 1:20am with a prayer that God would open and close the doors that were right for us. And that my husband won't kill me (I'm going to wait for a little while to tell him, I think). And that I'm doing this for the right reasons... that it was God's prompting that I even discovered the job in the first place... or that at the very least it opens my husband's eyes to my desperation. I don't know what's righ. I don't know what God wants for me. I don't even know if I did this with the right motivation. But I'm praying that God can take what I did and reveal what he wants FROM me and FOR me.
What do you think about all of this? My head is spinning and I would appreciate your prayers and your honesty (if anyone has any thoughts). You can even reply privately at justafishinabowl(at)gmail(dot)com. (I don't want any spammers!) :) Blessings to you all.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Hubby's first manifesto letter received...
Apparently my husband's message ticked off one of our EGR's (extra grace required) last week. Granted it was someone obsessed with politics who has Aspberger's Syndrome... but he threatened my husband and accused him of "brainwashing" the congregation when he stated that no mater what your feelings about Obama are, you shoud honor the Office of the President, and, whether we like it or not, he is our President. In his message he also stressed that respect is earned and honor is given. This guy fixates on things and right now, he's a Glenn Beck fanatic and Tea Party activist, as far as he is socially able to participate. He's in his mid-late 20's and cannot live without supervision (still lives at home) and isn't allowed to drive, on tons of meds for different disorders.
In a way, it's kind of funny... and my husband in no way feels physically threatened by this guy... but he IS the kind of guy who you could see coming in and shooting up a church and feeling very justified.
Here's some of what he said:
"This is the very first sermon where you actually said something that personally traumatized me with anger and total upset. Even because of how I felt like you were trying to brainwash everybody."
"It really offended me that you pointed out that you believed that all authorities need honor, including parents, no matter what kind you have, including no matter what kind of authorities that we have."
"there is nothing you will say that you will brainwash me into believing this whole honor part and spreading that word. My parents got brainwashed a little bit by it, by the look of it so far, and if it keeps doing so, then you are going to get even bigger trouble coming your way from me."
"I don't want you to ever again preach another sermon about honor like this one you did. I don't want a lot of Conservatives on our side who we know that go there [to our church] brainwashed into any of the idea."
"I don't think the fifth commandment is literal. As all of us being Christian Conservatives who agrees on all of the Founding stuff, you were out of line to say that we should honor this president, because the truth is that our current one stinks to high Heaven, who is the first anti-American president, and that in many other cases, is the worst one we've had yet. So, that's the last thing I ever want to hear coming from even a preacher."
and finally...
"As for God's love, compared to ours, even though it is infinite to our imagination, we can't grasp how deep God's love is, but I am sure that one of His infinitely measured loves is not what any of us would call "unconditional love". What that means is where ones loves the most unsuccessful trailer park trash God-rebelling people the same way that we do the most strongly middle and high classed and historical God following Christians. Like the ones follow the narrow path the straighest. Like, where we feel like every single good and bad person has to be loved at the equal level. And I don't believe in that at all. Whether or not you do."
So, for me, who has always been a little wary of this guy... it's a little stressful. Even though I know he doesn't have the capability to drive himself to our house and has to ride to church with his parents. It's just unnerving.
My husband is going to speak with his father on the best way to addres this with him (I suggested he forward the letter to the guy's dad)- and then go from there. There were nothing but good comments on Sunday's message and everything he said was Biblical... this is just one crazy person. It's just that sometimes that's all it takes. Praying protection over my husband today. :)
In a way, it's kind of funny... and my husband in no way feels physically threatened by this guy... but he IS the kind of guy who you could see coming in and shooting up a church and feeling very justified.
Here's some of what he said:
"This is the very first sermon where you actually said something that personally traumatized me with anger and total upset. Even because of how I felt like you were trying to brainwash everybody."
"It really offended me that you pointed out that you believed that all authorities need honor, including parents, no matter what kind you have, including no matter what kind of authorities that we have."
"there is nothing you will say that you will brainwash me into believing this whole honor part and spreading that word. My parents got brainwashed a little bit by it, by the look of it so far, and if it keeps doing so, then you are going to get even bigger trouble coming your way from me."
"I don't want you to ever again preach another sermon about honor like this one you did. I don't want a lot of Conservatives on our side who we know that go there [to our church] brainwashed into any of the idea."
"I don't think the fifth commandment is literal. As all of us being Christian Conservatives who agrees on all of the Founding stuff, you were out of line to say that we should honor this president, because the truth is that our current one stinks to high Heaven, who is the first anti-American president, and that in many other cases, is the worst one we've had yet. So, that's the last thing I ever want to hear coming from even a preacher."
and finally...
"As for God's love, compared to ours, even though it is infinite to our imagination, we can't grasp how deep God's love is, but I am sure that one of His infinitely measured loves is not what any of us would call "unconditional love". What that means is where ones loves the most unsuccessful trailer park trash God-rebelling people the same way that we do the most strongly middle and high classed and historical God following Christians. Like the ones follow the narrow path the straighest. Like, where we feel like every single good and bad person has to be loved at the equal level. And I don't believe in that at all. Whether or not you do."
So, for me, who has always been a little wary of this guy... it's a little stressful. Even though I know he doesn't have the capability to drive himself to our house and has to ride to church with his parents. It's just unnerving.
My husband is going to speak with his father on the best way to addres this with him (I suggested he forward the letter to the guy's dad)- and then go from there. There were nothing but good comments on Sunday's message and everything he said was Biblical... this is just one crazy person. It's just that sometimes that's all it takes. Praying protection over my husband today. :)
I need a change...
and a miracle. I'm restless, I know I'm not in the right job. I shouldn't be doing the books at the church; I hate knowing everything I do...who gives, who doesn't... how close we are to making or not making payroll... etc. I feel like if I could step back from the day-to-day runnings of the church I would be a more effective pw. I would care more, be able to be more emotionally available for my husband and the people in our congregation... I would be able to say no every once in a while. I am tired of always having to be "on."
As it stands, I'm constantly stressed. This is where God has me now... but I'm praying for a way out where we can still survive financially. Working somewhere else- somewhere I'd like that would allow me to do my job and go home... preferably with hours compatible to my son's school schedule for driving him back and forth.
I know that's asking a lot and that I'm plain lucky to HAVE a job right now. And I CAN be content where I'm at- I just need to figure out a way to separate the stress of working with my husband 40-plus hours a week, ministering with him on Sundays (and on call 24/7), and knowing all the financial (and other) details of the church...
God help me through this time- show me your will- and if it's to stay where i'm at, please help me accept it. I know you have the best in mind for me...Please help me to believe and live that truth.
As it stands, I'm constantly stressed. This is where God has me now... but I'm praying for a way out where we can still survive financially. Working somewhere else- somewhere I'd like that would allow me to do my job and go home... preferably with hours compatible to my son's school schedule for driving him back and forth.
I know that's asking a lot and that I'm plain lucky to HAVE a job right now. And I CAN be content where I'm at- I just need to figure out a way to separate the stress of working with my husband 40-plus hours a week, ministering with him on Sundays (and on call 24/7), and knowing all the financial (and other) details of the church...
God help me through this time- show me your will- and if it's to stay where i'm at, please help me accept it. I know you have the best in mind for me...Please help me to believe and live that truth.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Did you ever feel...
like you had a book inside of you, but to actually put it on paper would hurt too many people?
i do.
Father, help me to put others first, especially You. <3
i do.
Father, help me to put others first, especially You. <3
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Lost: Compassion
Being super honest here. This is a little embarrassing.
Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.
We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.
Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.
Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.
Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)
No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.
Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?
No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.
Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)
No compassion for God's people.
Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.
I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.
Sometimes I wonder when I turned into such a bi*&h?! It's not ever anything that shows... it's just the real (?) me. Yikes. Some of the things I think I don't even say to my husband. It seems I have this ongoing "poor me" inner monologue... and today I heard myself. There was very little compassion going on inside my head.
We are encouraged- think reality tv- to make everything about self. No one else matters; it's all about me, baby. Flip that upside down and you get "love your neighbor as yourself." SOO not what's going on in my noggin, if I were being honest. Which I am.
Maybe it's because so many people "need" me... because I'm the point person for the church... the one who can answer any question. I stopped answering my phone today and checking my email- it seemed everyone wanted something. Maybe that's just my most recent good excuse.
Driving home from work today, I was doing a run-down of my problems when God slapped me in the face. God gets the italics.
Self: It's been six months now that my husband's parents have lived with us. When is this going to end? It's so unfair! Sometimes I just want to walk around my own house with no pants on and I can't do that anymore; maybe ever again! Plus it's a little embarrassing that we are the providers all of the sudden. What about them? Do you think this is something they planned? Don't you think they're struggling living with YOU? They can't walk around without any pants on either! (Ok, that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little... thanks God.)
No compassion for their problems as compared to mine.
Self: But what about the fact that my kid, who we were so proud of, has basically gotten himself kicked out of his christian college for at least one semester... maybe more. And now he's living with us again... living off of us again... taking up my beautiful guest bedroom...having friends over all the time... not working (yet)... obsessed with his girlfriend... he has definitely not kissed enough parental butt to have it this easy yet! How do you think he feels? Do you want him to live with self-hatred forever? Is any of your sin less than what he did? You're complaining that your own child is "taking up space" again after he made a mistake? Weren't you loved through the mistake you made by your parents? Don't I love you even when you make mistakes? Oh, and do you really think HE likes living in the feminine guest bedroom with the painting of the creepy little children-of-the-corn girl staring over him while he tries to sleep?
No compassion for my own child when he inconveniences my life or makes things more difficult for our family.
Self: I really don't want to be in ministry. I'm tired of everyone needing me. Of being all things to all people. I want to run away and leave everything behind because I obviously can't bring any glory to God when I'm in this state of mind. Why did God put me here anyway? I have no experience, no training... and I'm flat-out TIRED. I just want to go to some huge church and dissappear into the crowd and have no one ask anything of me. Can't I just be selfish for ONCE? Once? Don't we have this conversation about once a day? You know, I didn't really want to go to the cross... I asked to get out of that just like you're doing now. But the Father said No. So I did what He asked. Maybe you should read that story again- it has a pretty happy ending. Sometimes, you do what you're called to do whether you feel like doing it or not. Dig? (ok, Jesus didn't really say "dig"... I added that part.)
No compassion for God's people.
Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. Turn my focus out again. Turn my self-pity into compassion for those you love. Turn my whining into worshipping. Turn me inside-out. Make me who you created me to be. I'm sorry and I love you.
I do think God was in my car with me today, poking me in the ribs. And I'm so grateful.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Dodged a bullet? Nope. Hit by shrapnel.
Wounded but not down for good.
Just got official word. Our son can't come back this semester which is not what we were expecting. He's devastated all over again, but I am brought back to Isaiah 55:9- "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Please pray for our son Hunter- that he'll be willing to listen and learn what God is teaching him during this time.
Pray for sanity in our continually crowded house and inside my head. :) Pray that we all stay on the same team.
Thanks and love you guys.
Just got official word. Our son can't come back this semester which is not what we were expecting. He's devastated all over again, but I am brought back to Isaiah 55:9- "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Please pray for our son Hunter- that he'll be willing to listen and learn what God is teaching him during this time.
Pray for sanity in our continually crowded house and inside my head. :) Pray that we all stay on the same team.
Thanks and love you guys.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Zzzzing! That's the sound of a bullet flying by...
A bullet that it's looking like God allowed us to dodge. After having talked to the school officials today, it looks like my kid is going to get to return to school in the fall... no final, FINAL word yet... but it looks positive. Praying like crazy!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Prayer. You & me. Right Now.
Youth Sunday at our church has come and gone for another year- a great day for our YG and a horrible day for a neighboring church's. Their Youth Pastor was let go- and this is like the 5th in as many years. The poor kids just have time to forge a bond and inevitably between year one and two- he's let go by the pastor.
We now have another batch of hurt, confused kids in town. Our youth pastor knows to expect an influx of hurting kids- which has also been the pattern. The kids were told tonight, out of the blue, that their YP had been fired for "insubordination and innapropriate behavior." The hurting kids that showed up at my house afterwards (my son attends this yg as well, so a whole herd came over) said they are starting to realize that the problem isn't with the youth guys... it's with the senior guy. Kids aren't stupid.
Pray with me for them? There's a history of this particular church refusing to be involved with us and actually not allowing their kids to attend our church at all- they actually have to sign a contract if they're on the youth leadership team that they won't attend any other youth group (we're the only other one in town). We have tried repeatedly to end this spirit of competition with no luck... with shared activities, service projects, etc... Pray that the new guy is someone who will work with us to reach the youth of this area- we need all the help we can get- not a nasty spirit of competition. And pray that God will work in his church and fix whatever the problem is... no matter how high up it is.
On the homefront, my husband and son get home from a ten day mission trip on Tuesday evening- and we have to hit it hard to find out what's going on with my son's school situation... whether we'll be packing him up and shipping him off to Missouri again or looking for a job around here. Please pray that he accepts whatever God's plan is for him and is open to where God leads and doesn't try to force issues on his own. Pray his heart was touched in Bolivia. Pray that THIS was rock bottom and that God has a moldable heart to work with. Pray for wisdom for my husband and I as we try to parent this almost-grown 20-year-old.
Now, how can I pray for YOU? Please let me know!
We now have another batch of hurt, confused kids in town. Our youth pastor knows to expect an influx of hurting kids- which has also been the pattern. The kids were told tonight, out of the blue, that their YP had been fired for "insubordination and innapropriate behavior." The hurting kids that showed up at my house afterwards (my son attends this yg as well, so a whole herd came over) said they are starting to realize that the problem isn't with the youth guys... it's with the senior guy. Kids aren't stupid.
Pray with me for them? There's a history of this particular church refusing to be involved with us and actually not allowing their kids to attend our church at all- they actually have to sign a contract if they're on the youth leadership team that they won't attend any other youth group (we're the only other one in town). We have tried repeatedly to end this spirit of competition with no luck... with shared activities, service projects, etc... Pray that the new guy is someone who will work with us to reach the youth of this area- we need all the help we can get- not a nasty spirit of competition. And pray that God will work in his church and fix whatever the problem is... no matter how high up it is.
On the homefront, my husband and son get home from a ten day mission trip on Tuesday evening- and we have to hit it hard to find out what's going on with my son's school situation... whether we'll be packing him up and shipping him off to Missouri again or looking for a job around here. Please pray that he accepts whatever God's plan is for him and is open to where God leads and doesn't try to force issues on his own. Pray his heart was touched in Bolivia. Pray that THIS was rock bottom and that God has a moldable heart to work with. Pray for wisdom for my husband and I as we try to parent this almost-grown 20-year-old.
Now, how can I pray for YOU? Please let me know!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
A few updates...
1. I never gave my "friend" the letter I wrote. I revised it more and more even after I posted it here... softening it each time... and I ended up not giving it to her at all. I felt in my heart that she was too upset at herself- and i didn't want to make it worse. I'm sure she's heaping on enough guilt for the both of us and who am I to cast the first stone? I'm no better than she is. My husband talked has talked with her several times and she is all but suicidal. I don't want to make it any worse. She's supposed to be going into christian counseling. I did text her and tell her that she needed to be in church- whether it was ours or another one. Not sure if I'm going to contact her again or not- I don't know what God wants me to do. I'm through the anger; I've forgiven her... I simply don't want to be around her. I'm afraid God is going to ask me to walk with her through this... in fact, I'm pretty sure He is. And that makes me a little sick to my stomach. So I'm working up to it.
2. Still no word on whether or not my son can return to school in the fall... I have a feeling it's going to be a down-to-the-wire, last minute decision. He has a professor that has agreed to be his accountability partner and has lobbied on his behalf to the Dean of Students. We did find out that whenever he is able to return, it will be on probation and he will have to submit to on-campus counseling for a year. I feel that even if they don't let him return right away... I'm ok with that now. I want there to be consequences... just not life-ruining ones, if at all possible. I'm counting on God's amazing ability to redeem all things. I know this isn't too big for Him. I go back and forth between being the loving mother wanting to rescue my son from what he's done to being the angry parent who wants to shake him so hard that his brains get knocked back into place. Is there such a thing as "Shaken 20-year-old" Syndrome? I want this lesson burned into the core of his being. Hopefully, I don't kill him in the meantime.
3. My mini-vacation at my mom's house was wonderful... and I'm just beginning another break ordained by God. My husband and oldest son are on a mission trip to Bolivia for the next ten days; my mother-in-law leaves Tuesday for 12 days to go take care of my baby nephew, and my father-in-law leaves Thursday for 10 days to go to Egypt with my nephew on his senior trip. That leaves just me and my 15-year-old, blissfully alone. Ahhhh.... breathing room.
4. I gave a burden to God that I'm working really hard at not taking back. It's so tempting. Please pray for strength for me.
5. This is going to sound really weird and random, but I'm going to write a novel. I found this awesome writer's website: www.nanowrimo.org. This seems really fun to me... and I'm allowed to procrastinate until November! I'm only telling you here because it's my public commitment. As the website says, "National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30." I'm kicking a story around in my head already... and I am going to work on an outline and start on some research soon. I have to research... ah-hem... artificial insemination and all that goes along with it. Intrigued? ;)
6. Out of the blue, our church land was paid off. It completely took us all by surprise- it was the dying wish of an elderly woman (who had never been to our church) who's adult children have attended since our launch. My husband went to sit with her several times before she died and had no idea she was going to do this. God. Is. Amazing. His confirmation continues to whisper in my ear that we are doing what He wants us to do, even though it's scary. I guess if it wasn't scary, it would be something we could've done on our own... and there's no chance of that here.
Blessings on you all~ and thank you for your prayers.
2. Still no word on whether or not my son can return to school in the fall... I have a feeling it's going to be a down-to-the-wire, last minute decision. He has a professor that has agreed to be his accountability partner and has lobbied on his behalf to the Dean of Students. We did find out that whenever he is able to return, it will be on probation and he will have to submit to on-campus counseling for a year. I feel that even if they don't let him return right away... I'm ok with that now. I want there to be consequences... just not life-ruining ones, if at all possible. I'm counting on God's amazing ability to redeem all things. I know this isn't too big for Him. I go back and forth between being the loving mother wanting to rescue my son from what he's done to being the angry parent who wants to shake him so hard that his brains get knocked back into place. Is there such a thing as "Shaken 20-year-old" Syndrome? I want this lesson burned into the core of his being. Hopefully, I don't kill him in the meantime.
3. My mini-vacation at my mom's house was wonderful... and I'm just beginning another break ordained by God. My husband and oldest son are on a mission trip to Bolivia for the next ten days; my mother-in-law leaves Tuesday for 12 days to go take care of my baby nephew, and my father-in-law leaves Thursday for 10 days to go to Egypt with my nephew on his senior trip. That leaves just me and my 15-year-old, blissfully alone. Ahhhh.... breathing room.
4. I gave a burden to God that I'm working really hard at not taking back. It's so tempting. Please pray for strength for me.
5. This is going to sound really weird and random, but I'm going to write a novel. I found this awesome writer's website: www.nanowrimo.org. This seems really fun to me... and I'm allowed to procrastinate until November! I'm only telling you here because it's my public commitment. As the website says, "National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30." I'm kicking a story around in my head already... and I am going to work on an outline and start on some research soon. I have to research... ah-hem... artificial insemination and all that goes along with it. Intrigued? ;)
6. Out of the blue, our church land was paid off. It completely took us all by surprise- it was the dying wish of an elderly woman (who had never been to our church) who's adult children have attended since our launch. My husband went to sit with her several times before she died and had no idea she was going to do this. God. Is. Amazing. His confirmation continues to whisper in my ear that we are doing what He wants us to do, even though it's scary. I guess if it wasn't scary, it would be something we could've done on our own... and there's no chance of that here.
Blessings on you all~ and thank you for your prayers.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
i had to run away for a little while...
I've had enough of ministry, of family, of drama,of phone calls, emails,and messages. Of so many people living with me, making my plans,and bulldozing what I want to do.of trying to help my kid who has probably messed up the ministry he has felt called to since 9th grade.still waiting on the verdict of whether he can return to school in the fall.
So I escaped, for two days, to my parent's house in the mountains. I think I'm going to make a habit of this. Maybe when I get back home I'll be able to breathe again- at least for a few days.
Jesus help me make it through this with your grace and strength. I could use a sense of humor too. Sigh.
So I escaped, for two days, to my parent's house in the mountains. I think I'm going to make a habit of this. Maybe when I get back home I'll be able to breathe again- at least for a few days.
Jesus help me make it through this with your grace and strength. I could use a sense of humor too. Sigh.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The last thirty days, in retrospect, have shown me:
i am weak.
i am strong.
i trust God.
i don't trust God.
nothing else matters when your kid is hurting.
i'm ready to give up.
i'm ready to fight.
how much i need my mom.
how much i need my friends.
how much i love my kid.
how our family can band together.
i'm not over what i thought i was over.
how much more time i should spend in prayer than i currently do.
it hurts when your kids make the same kind of mistakes you did.
grace is unstoppable.
i desperately need someone to share with and my husband just doesn't get it.
i have to write.
god is showing us grace and mercy even when we aren't aware of it.
i am stuck.
i am set free.
you can't kill feelings.
sometimes it's a relief when a friendship ends.
i will probably never be alone in my house without someone else living here.
god has provided my house and i should stop complaining.
mojitos (in the privacy of my own home)as an escape device are not always a wise choice.
oh, and
bathing my 130 pound dog in the bathtub also gives me a bath.
i am strong.
i trust God.
i don't trust God.
nothing else matters when your kid is hurting.
i'm ready to give up.
i'm ready to fight.
how much i need my mom.
how much i need my friends.
how much i love my kid.
how our family can band together.
i'm not over what i thought i was over.
how much more time i should spend in prayer than i currently do.
it hurts when your kids make the same kind of mistakes you did.
grace is unstoppable.
i desperately need someone to share with and my husband just doesn't get it.
i have to write.
god is showing us grace and mercy even when we aren't aware of it.
i am stuck.
i am set free.
you can't kill feelings.
sometimes it's a relief when a friendship ends.
i will probably never be alone in my house without someone else living here.
god has provided my house and i should stop complaining.
mojitos (in the privacy of my own home)as an escape device are not always a wise choice.
oh, and
bathing my 130 pound dog in the bathtub also gives me a bath.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
home...
Today I'm giving thanks for the support of family and God's mercy. We are starting to pick up the pieces of a broken,lucky kid who made a terrible decision. Father, give us wisdom and grace today.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Almost to Wichita...
To meet and drive home with our son. Pray for traveling mercies and a good night's sleep for him.
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