whew.

In the middle of a tough week emotionally, I had the meeting with my bi-polar bear. I had to answer to three things that I had done "wrong" in her eyes, explain what I actually said vs. what she heard, and then top it off with an apology for anything I had inadvertently done to hurt her. But we're done for now... until the next time... and I am so cool with that.

It's been tough because one year ago this week, my brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. After making it through the grief the first time (which took a good six months before I was fully functional again), and then kind of stuffing it for the rest of the year... here we are again. Even though I try not to dwell on it, memories flood in: Monday was the day of his accident and he was in a deep coma that he would never come out of... Tuesday I arrived at the hospital three states away and saw how grim things were... Wednesday he had several strokes and the blood supply was completely cut off to his brain because of the massive swelling- they told us he would be a vegetable if he survived... Thursday they ran the final brain wave tests and told us he was brain dead. We made the decision to donate his organs. That afternoon, they moved him to the transplant unit. Thursday night, my sister and I moved into his room in the transplant unit because we didn't want him to be alone. We stayed awake and stayed with him for about 37 hours while they placed his organs-all through Thursday night, all day Friday, and Friday night. We talked to him, held his hands, told all our "annoying big brother" stories (like when he would hold us down and fart on our heads), laughed, and cried as we waited with him. We kept a picture of him with the two of us on the pillow next to his head so that his nurses would know how important he was and would treat him with care. Saturday morning, Valentines Day, they wheeled him down the hall for his surgery. Lots of people benefited from my brother's organs, but the one that I hold on to is the man that was about his age with eight kids that received his heart. What a Valentines Day present.

So it's a sad week- and, save my husband, I'm alone. My family is all in Mississippi (where he's buried) this week and next week. They are putting his Life Gift medal on his headstone and hanging with family and friends to ride out the memories together.

Thank you Lord, for bringing us through this, and for helping me make it this week. Thank you for your everlasting arms.