The Bi-Polar Bear Chronicles part three (really part four, but who's counting?)

It is important for me to get a grip on the series of events that have occurred. Please excuse the repeat information.

1. A lady got cancer. Said lady did not come to our church- she preferred the traditional Presbyterian church down the road. Every Sunday morning, said lady would go to the traditional church with her husband and kids and after that service, her husband and two teenagers would drop her off at home and then come to our late service, which they enjoyed. They came to our services about four times before things got really bad with the wife's cancer. My husband and I only met her once before her hospitalization, and it was outside of church.

2. We visited said lady in the hospital. A lot. She was put into hospice at her home after about a month.

3. Apparently, Bi-Polar Bear knew said lady. She sat with her a couple of days a week while she was in hospice so that her husband could go in to work. Very nice and caring of Bi-Polar Bear.

4. Bi-Polar Bear called me and said this was too heavy of a burden for her to bear alone and I said, "I can only imagine! You are doing a wonderful thing." Bi-Polar Bear asked if we could put something in the bulletin to see if we could get some people from our church to come and sit with her friend during the day so her husband could work more. I said, "Absolutely. But I have a gut feeling about this: sitting with someone while they are dying is an intensely personal and emotional thing, and your friend doesn't attend our church... so not many people know her. I'm guessing we aren't going to get a good response for this. Would you mind if I also called her Presbyterian church to see if they could also try to get some people to sit with her? That may be more successful because she considers that her home church and they know her there." Bi-Polar Bear said that would be fine. I called the other church and ran the request in our bulletin for three weeks: Dec. 14, 21, and 28. There were no responses to the request regarding sitting with her from anyone in our church. Many did, however, offer to make a meal for the family

5. Said lady succumbed to her cancer before the new year.

6. At our office, the husband started working with my pastor-husband to make funeral arrangements. He asked if we could arrange meals for a couple of weeks. He indicated that he thought Bi-Polar Bear was working on it and maybe we could help her? A volunteer in our office called Bi-Polar Bear and said we had lots of people who had volunteered to make meals, could we add them to her list? Did she want to work together? Bi-Polar Bear said to just take it over.

7. Bi-Polar Bear stops coming to church, but her family continues to come.

8. This past Sunday, Bi-Polar Bear's husband came to help set up. One of our elders asked him where his wife is and if everything is ok (everyone knows the fragile nature of Bi-Polar Bear and how hard it is for her family when she is not doing well). Bi-Polar Bear's husband said, "No not really. I don't know what to tell you. I'm not going to lie. She just didn't want to come today." A few minutes later, I pulled Bi-Polar Bear's husband aside and said, "Is there anything I can do? Would it help if I called her?" He shook his head and gave me a look that let me know there was a lot more to the story. Here is the jist of our conversation this past Sunday morning:

Bi-Polar Bear's Husband (henceforth known as BPBH): She is really upset about a few... things.
Me: This is about me, isn't it? She's mad at me again.
BPBH: Yeah. She said you told her that the church wouldn't help or get involved with her friend with cancer. That no one knew her and we wouldn't help. She said you left her all alone in that situation. She said you came in and took the meals away from her, when it was the one thing she could do for the family after her friend died so that the church would look good.

(I then explained my converstaions with BPB's Husband, saying that was not the case at all!)

BPBH: I completely believe you. She is fixated on you and you are going to be the cause of all her problems and the source of her anger. I'm sorry. Maybe it would help if you called her to try to straighten this out? I don't know how she'll respond, she may be verbally abusive, but I'd really like to be able to come to church as a family, and she won't come because she's mad at you. I can't even be seen talking to you, and neither can our daughter, or she'll think we're conspiring against her and are on your side instead of hers. Will you call her?
Me: I'll call her. I may take a day or two to get my head together, but I'll call her and set up a meeting so we can get this worked out. (I dreaded this meeting- knowing I will be spending it apologizing for things I didn't do or say that she twisted around- and if I say she twisted it around, she'll say I'm calling her crazy.)
BPBH: thank you so much. I'm so sorry she's doing this to you. Oh, and by the way, please don't let her know that I told you this. There will be serious hell to pay for weeks if she thinks I betrayed her and told you this. If you could just call her and ask how she's doing and see if she wants to get together... that will be all you have to do- she'll open up to you. Just don't let her know I told you, ok?
Me: no problem. I will tell her I had a feeling something was up (which I did) and not mention you. The last thing I want to do is make things worse for you and your daughter.

Monday morning dawns and I have to take my husband to the airport. He will be gone all week for a family thing and won't be back until Saturday afternoon. On the drive to the airport at 6:30am, BPBH calls to tell me NOT to call Bi-Polar Bear after all, that he spoke with her and she is planning to call me to set up a meeting. He didn't want me to reveal the fact that we had spoken on Sunday when he told me what was up with her. I assured him I would wait for her call and that I would not call her.

When I get to the office, lo and behold, there is a phone message, left at 11:02 am Sunday morning on the church voicemail. Interesting. Obviously this person called at a time when they knew I would not be available to take a call- on Sunday morning in the middle of services. Hm. In the voicemail, Bi-Polar Bear calls crying, angry and irrational and says she needs to get together with me with both our husbands present to "work some issues out". When would be a good time? My heart is filled with dread at the very thought of even having to talk to her at this point.

So, following BPB's husband's advice, I take advantage of the fact that I really don't feel like speaking with her and getting into anything on the phone, and I email her. A really nice email that is copied and pasted right here for your perusal:
Hey XXXX!
xxx (my husband) and I would be glad to meet with you and your husband as soon as possible. xxx (my husband) is out of town for his dad's 60th birthday with his family and doesn't fly back in until noon on Saturday the 31st. I'm sure he's going to need some time to unwind and get things ready for Sunday; maybe we cold get together late Sunday afternoon Feb. 1st or monday evening the 2nd? Does one of those work for you or would you just like to touch base on Sunday?

I didn't hear back from her via email. Monday evening, Bi-Polar Bear's husband calls me to set up a meeting (?!). I can hear Bi-Polar Bear advising him of what to say in the background and he is talking back and forth between the two of us. I very sweetly reply that I emailed Bi-Polar Bear and suggested Sunday afternoon or Monday night. BPBH seemed confused and then set the date for Monday night. I hang up the phone and try not to think about it any more that evening.

It is now Tuesday morning and I received another call from BPBH's husband this morning. His first words: "I messed up." He explained that he hadn't know that Bi-Polar Bear had already called me- that was why he called me last night to set up a meeting. Apparently, Bi-Polar Bear thought her husband was just reinforcing the fact that I had not returned her prior call (and had not yet checked her email)- but BPBH thought he was making the initial contact for Bi-Polar Bear because she hadn't yet called me and he is desperate to get a meeting set up and have things worked out.

He then said that she was royally pissed that I emailed her instead of calling her back (please remember that this is after he called me the morning before and told me not to call her at all). He said her words were, "Apparently I don't even rate a phone call." He said, "I'm so sorry I put you in this position... She doesn't know I called you and told you not to call her... I understand that's why you emailed her... but now she's even angrier."

So I said, "At this point, it doesn't really matter. We'll just have to let her be mad at me for that one to protect you and your daughter. Don't worry- I still won't let her know that you came to me at all... as hard as this is for me, I know that you have to live with her and this is so much harder for you." He thanked me profusely and that is where we left it.

We are meeting Monday evening where I will explain myself as gently as possible, without letting her know that I was tipped off as to why she was angry, and without letting her know that I was told not to call her... in other words, I'll be sitting there and taking it and taking it and taking it. I wish I could film it for you. In the end, it won't really matter. I am not going on the defense or the offense, nor will I explain the unfairness of this at all... I'll just answer her complaints as simply and kindly as I can and apologize over and over that she misunderstood what I said. I have learned that my reasonings don't work with her- she's going to hear what she wants to hear regardless. At least I have my husband there to deflect some criticism and defend me a little bit... but I'm not going to do it. It will just result in more hatred and criticism from Bi-Polar Bear.

You know, I really do understand how horrible this situation is for Bi-Polar Bear's husband and child... and I feel so bad for them. I have seen her at her worst... I am the one who took her to the mental hospital the last time she had a break-down (in Oct. or Nov. of last year). I understand what they must have to live with and the egg-shells they must have to walk on at home.

However, I feel the need to say one critical thing... I will be really glad when Bi-Polar Bear's husband grows a pair. I know, I know... that wasn't a very "pastor's wifely" thing to say. But surely there has to be some way to deal with the Bi-Polar person so that every portion of your life isn't consumed by their illness. Surely there is a way to deal with them in which people are not hurt and relationships are not destroyed or had the life sucked out of them?

If you have advice, suggestions, criticisms... whatever... please feel free to share. I would also like to provide one disclaimer: I know it seems very irrevrant that I call her "Bi-Polar Bear", and I don't mean to make light of a very real illness. I use the term first of all, to protect her identity, and secondly, because it makes me giggle inside a little bit- and quite honestly, with all of the frustration that this relationship brings to my life... I think I deserve a giggle where I can get one.