I just arrived home from the sweetest wedding. The couple wasn't rich or particularly beautiful- but their story is. A lot of people might take one look and call them "trailer trash" because of where they live and because of their individual pasts... but how God has changed them from the inside out- and what a privilege it has been to watch.
They've been coming to our church since 2007 and have three young children. One his, one hers, one theirs. We learned their story shortly after they started attending. They were ex-druggies, having just recently both quit during the pregnancy of their child, who was almost one. They were still struggling with their addictions and knew something needed to change.
After attending for a few weeks, they committed their lives to Christ and jumped in with both feet. They both started serving and learning and got involved in starting a family lifegroup with another young couple. She serves faithfully in our children's ministry and he shows up at 7am every Sunday morning to help with set up. Someone from a more traditional church in town visited and asked why we were letting them serve in our church... did we know they weren't even MARRIED? We said, "Yup... look at how God is changing their lives... isn't it amazing? A year ago they would have never darkened the door of a church, let alone serve in one! They'll get there... God is working on them." That person never returned (can't say I'm sad about that loss).
They had been living together for over a year. In the middle of our marriage series last summer, it occurred to them that what they were doing was not right in the eyes of God- and they decided to fix that. They couldn't afford to live separately, so they lived purely- under the same roof for almost eight months until they got married.
Today was the big day... and it was her dream wedding. She insisted on having it in the school cafeteria where we hold church every Sunday. She said, "I could go to a real church building out here to have the wedding... but it wouldn't be my church... and this is my church right here in this cafeteria. This is home to me." So we had a sweet wedding in a decorated cafeteria- with vows that meant so much. All of our elders and their wives came, and there was a huge show of support from the church body. It was wonderful and it's the moments like this that help me remember that this is all worth it.
I came across this quote by Price Pritchard last week and I loved it: "Change always comes bearing gifts." Amen.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
just thinking...
It’s cloudy and overcast in Colorado today and we’re waiting for a big storm to roll in. I’m leaving work for a Wednesday night of peace and quiet with no plans, and hopefully, no urgent phone calls for my husband. He has a basketball game tonight and our son has youth group. That leaves me with my favorite candle burning, my favorite music playing (a mix of Snow Patrol, Coldplay, Vega 4, Keane and Muse)… and the bills which have needed to be paid for a couple of days now. My house is clean from the Bible study last night, and although I have laundry that needs to be done, it can wait until tomorrow…I still have one pair of socks left, I think.
It seems that, when I’m not stupid-busy, I spend a lot of time analyzing the relationships in my life: how they unfolded, what they look like, what they feel like, where they stand. Sometimes it’s easy to see and sometimes it isn’t. That can be a problem with life in the fishbowl- heck, with life in general. Sometimes you just don’t know. Sometimes, with the peripheral relationships in my life (the people that introduce me as “the pastor’s wife”) I’ll think things are fine, that I just had a normal conversation, and then suddenly… they are mad about the nuance of something I said or the fact that my forehead was wrinkled when I said it. It just seems magnified through the glass of the fishbowl. It gets old.
As for my more intimate relationships, I have a pretty good handle on most of them. I do have close friends… girl friends. But I can’t talk to them about church stuff… because it’s usually about someone in the congregation- and it just isn’t appropriate or fair- I don’t want to be responsible for altering their view of someone. If you haven’t been in the ministry, it’s hard to understand the need for such extreme privacy as you protect your congregation.
And heaven forbid that I should have a problem with my husband and need to talk to someone about it. Sometimes I feel like half of the people in our church think we are perfect and the other half are watching like hawks as they wait for us to fall. It’s a scary place to be.
Then there are those that are such fanatic supporters of us that you fear they are following a man and God has been left out of the mix altogether. Does it take a fall to wake them up?
And there are the things I can’t ever tell anyone- all that human stuff- things I shouldn’t think or feel or rely on… stuff that would hurt people. Of course I talk to my husband, but often after a day of working together, we just want to let those things lie quietly and pretend to be normal for a little while… whatever that is.
I guess if you never had someone you could share everything with, you don’t know enough to miss it. I know enough to miss it.
As time passes, my role is becoming more natural, I guess… and then sometimes I feel like I’m just plain acting. This past 3 ½ years have probably been the loneliest of my life because I don’t feel free to share or connect on a human level the way I was able to do before I was “THE PASTOR’S WIFE”. And I feel watched. And I feel stressed that I’m going to say or do the wrong thing. I know this all seems very narcissistic- but hey, this is my blog. I’m just trying to figure things out here. My life has changed dramatically and I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point where I can do what’s expected of me with all of the grace and love that I’m supposed to have? I don’t think I’ve ever tried so hard for so long. (Seriously, couldn’t I at least be burning calories with this effort?)
On the upside, I’ve never had a closer relationship with Christ. Even though he was silent for what seemed like a long time during this journey, I eventually came out on the other side and heard his voice again and things are back in their right place. I know this is the relationship that is the most important and that he is guiding my hesitant steps.
It seems that, when I’m not stupid-busy, I spend a lot of time analyzing the relationships in my life: how they unfolded, what they look like, what they feel like, where they stand. Sometimes it’s easy to see and sometimes it isn’t. That can be a problem with life in the fishbowl- heck, with life in general. Sometimes you just don’t know. Sometimes, with the peripheral relationships in my life (the people that introduce me as “the pastor’s wife”) I’ll think things are fine, that I just had a normal conversation, and then suddenly… they are mad about the nuance of something I said or the fact that my forehead was wrinkled when I said it. It just seems magnified through the glass of the fishbowl. It gets old.
As for my more intimate relationships, I have a pretty good handle on most of them. I do have close friends… girl friends. But I can’t talk to them about church stuff… because it’s usually about someone in the congregation- and it just isn’t appropriate or fair- I don’t want to be responsible for altering their view of someone. If you haven’t been in the ministry, it’s hard to understand the need for such extreme privacy as you protect your congregation.
And heaven forbid that I should have a problem with my husband and need to talk to someone about it. Sometimes I feel like half of the people in our church think we are perfect and the other half are watching like hawks as they wait for us to fall. It’s a scary place to be.
Then there are those that are such fanatic supporters of us that you fear they are following a man and God has been left out of the mix altogether. Does it take a fall to wake them up?
And there are the things I can’t ever tell anyone- all that human stuff- things I shouldn’t think or feel or rely on… stuff that would hurt people. Of course I talk to my husband, but often after a day of working together, we just want to let those things lie quietly and pretend to be normal for a little while… whatever that is.
I guess if you never had someone you could share everything with, you don’t know enough to miss it. I know enough to miss it.
As time passes, my role is becoming more natural, I guess… and then sometimes I feel like I’m just plain acting. This past 3 ½ years have probably been the loneliest of my life because I don’t feel free to share or connect on a human level the way I was able to do before I was “THE PASTOR’S WIFE”. And I feel watched. And I feel stressed that I’m going to say or do the wrong thing. I know this all seems very narcissistic- but hey, this is my blog. I’m just trying to figure things out here. My life has changed dramatically and I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point where I can do what’s expected of me with all of the grace and love that I’m supposed to have? I don’t think I’ve ever tried so hard for so long. (Seriously, couldn’t I at least be burning calories with this effort?)
On the upside, I’ve never had a closer relationship with Christ. Even though he was silent for what seemed like a long time during this journey, I eventually came out on the other side and heard his voice again and things are back in their right place. I know this is the relationship that is the most important and that he is guiding my hesitant steps.
Monday, February 16, 2009
smiling...
another amazing day yesterday. again, i'll say that i know it isn't about numbers as far as judging your success by them- it's about lives (souls) that have been reached and changed in Christ's name. our little country church ran over 400 yesterday and we stand amazed. our children's department is bursting at the seams, our life groups are growing, there were so many youth seated together during the services- it's just so cool to see and to be blessed enough to be a part of. give us Your heart, Your mind, Your vision Lord. thank you for your blessings.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
whew.
In the middle of a tough week emotionally, I had the meeting with my bi-polar bear. I had to answer to three things that I had done "wrong" in her eyes, explain what I actually said vs. what she heard, and then top it off with an apology for anything I had inadvertently done to hurt her. But we're done for now... until the next time... and I am so cool with that.
It's been tough because one year ago this week, my brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. After making it through the grief the first time (which took a good six months before I was fully functional again), and then kind of stuffing it for the rest of the year... here we are again. Even though I try not to dwell on it, memories flood in: Monday was the day of his accident and he was in a deep coma that he would never come out of... Tuesday I arrived at the hospital three states away and saw how grim things were... Wednesday he had several strokes and the blood supply was completely cut off to his brain because of the massive swelling- they told us he would be a vegetable if he survived... Thursday they ran the final brain wave tests and told us he was brain dead. We made the decision to donate his organs. That afternoon, they moved him to the transplant unit. Thursday night, my sister and I moved into his room in the transplant unit because we didn't want him to be alone. We stayed awake and stayed with him for about 37 hours while they placed his organs-all through Thursday night, all day Friday, and Friday night. We talked to him, held his hands, told all our "annoying big brother" stories (like when he would hold us down and fart on our heads), laughed, and cried as we waited with him. We kept a picture of him with the two of us on the pillow next to his head so that his nurses would know how important he was and would treat him with care. Saturday morning, Valentines Day, they wheeled him down the hall for his surgery. Lots of people benefited from my brother's organs, but the one that I hold on to is the man that was about his age with eight kids that received his heart. What a Valentines Day present.
So it's a sad week- and, save my husband, I'm alone. My family is all in Mississippi (where he's buried) this week and next week. They are putting his Life Gift medal on his headstone and hanging with family and friends to ride out the memories together.
Thank you Lord, for bringing us through this, and for helping me make it this week. Thank you for your everlasting arms.
It's been tough because one year ago this week, my brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. After making it through the grief the first time (which took a good six months before I was fully functional again), and then kind of stuffing it for the rest of the year... here we are again. Even though I try not to dwell on it, memories flood in: Monday was the day of his accident and he was in a deep coma that he would never come out of... Tuesday I arrived at the hospital three states away and saw how grim things were... Wednesday he had several strokes and the blood supply was completely cut off to his brain because of the massive swelling- they told us he would be a vegetable if he survived... Thursday they ran the final brain wave tests and told us he was brain dead. We made the decision to donate his organs. That afternoon, they moved him to the transplant unit. Thursday night, my sister and I moved into his room in the transplant unit because we didn't want him to be alone. We stayed awake and stayed with him for about 37 hours while they placed his organs-all through Thursday night, all day Friday, and Friday night. We talked to him, held his hands, told all our "annoying big brother" stories (like when he would hold us down and fart on our heads), laughed, and cried as we waited with him. We kept a picture of him with the two of us on the pillow next to his head so that his nurses would know how important he was and would treat him with care. Saturday morning, Valentines Day, they wheeled him down the hall for his surgery. Lots of people benefited from my brother's organs, but the one that I hold on to is the man that was about his age with eight kids that received his heart. What a Valentines Day present.
So it's a sad week- and, save my husband, I'm alone. My family is all in Mississippi (where he's buried) this week and next week. They are putting his Life Gift medal on his headstone and hanging with family and friends to ride out the memories together.
Thank you Lord, for bringing us through this, and for helping me make it this week. Thank you for your everlasting arms.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Bi-Polar Bear Chronicles Part Four
After an uncomfortable Sunday, my bi-polar bear called me today to set up our meeting. We are meeting with our husbands present this Wednesday evening. sigh. Is this really what ministry is about? Because this relationship is what 80% of my time is devoted to...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
wow-
397 today... speechless! :)
PS: 45 people are signed up for our 201 class tonight... God is amazing.
PS: 45 people are signed up for our 201 class tonight... God is amazing.
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