A few updates...

1. I never gave my "friend" the letter I wrote. I revised it more and more even after I posted it here... softening it each time... and I ended up not giving it to her at all. I felt in my heart that she was too upset at herself- and i didn't want to make it worse. I'm sure she's heaping on enough guilt for the both of us and who am I to cast the first stone? I'm no better than she is. My husband talked has talked with her several times and she is all but suicidal. I don't want to make it any worse. She's supposed to be going into christian counseling. I did text her and tell her that she needed to be in church- whether it was ours or another one. Not sure if I'm going to contact her again or not- I don't know what God wants me to do. I'm through the anger; I've forgiven her... I simply don't want to be around her. I'm afraid God is going to ask me to walk with her through this... in fact, I'm pretty sure He is. And that makes me a little sick to my stomach. So I'm working up to it.

2. Still no word on whether or not my son can return to school in the fall... I have a feeling it's going to be a down-to-the-wire, last minute decision. He has a professor that has agreed to be his accountability partner and has lobbied on his behalf to the Dean of Students. We did find out that whenever he is able to return, it will be on probation and he will have to submit to on-campus counseling for a year. I feel that even if they don't let him return right away... I'm ok with that now. I want there to be consequences... just not life-ruining ones, if at all possible. I'm counting on God's amazing ability to redeem all things. I know this isn't too big for Him. I go back and forth between being the loving mother wanting to rescue my son from what he's done to being the angry parent who wants to shake him so hard that his brains get knocked back into place. Is there such a thing as "Shaken 20-year-old" Syndrome? I want this lesson burned into the core of his being. Hopefully, I don't kill him in the meantime.

3. My mini-vacation at my mom's house was wonderful... and I'm just beginning another break ordained by God. My husband and oldest son are on a mission trip to Bolivia for the next ten days; my mother-in-law leaves Tuesday for 12 days to go take care of my baby nephew, and my father-in-law leaves Thursday for 10 days to go to Egypt with my nephew on his senior trip. That leaves just me and my 15-year-old, blissfully alone. Ahhhh.... breathing room.

4. I gave a burden to God that I'm working really hard at not taking back. It's so tempting. Please pray for strength for me.

5. This is going to sound really weird and random, but I'm going to write a novel. I found this awesome writer's website: www.nanowrimo.org. This seems really fun to me... and I'm allowed to procrastinate until November! I'm only telling you here because it's my public commitment. As the website says, "National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30." I'm kicking a story around in my head already... and I am going to work on an outline and start on some research soon. I have to research... ah-hem... artificial insemination and all that goes along with it. Intrigued? ;)

6. Out of the blue, our church land was paid off. It completely took us all by surprise- it was the dying wish of an elderly woman (who had never been to our church) who's adult children have attended since our launch. My husband went to sit with her several times before she died and had no idea she was going to do this. God. Is. Amazing. His confirmation continues to whisper in my ear that we are doing what He wants us to do, even though it's scary. I guess if it wasn't scary, it would be something we could've done on our own... and there's no chance of that here.

Blessings on you all~ and thank you for your prayers.

i had to run away for a little while...

I've had enough of ministry, of family, of drama,of phone calls, emails,and messages. Of so many people living with me, making my plans,and bulldozing what I want to do.of trying to help my kid who has probably messed up the ministry he has felt called to since 9th grade.still waiting on the verdict of whether he can return to school in the fall.

So I escaped, for two days, to my parent's house in the mountains. I think I'm going to make a habit of this. Maybe when I get back home I'll be able to breathe again- at least for a few days.

Jesus help me make it through this with your grace and strength. I could use a sense of humor too. Sigh.

The last thirty days, in retrospect, have shown me:

i am weak.
i am strong.
i trust God.
i don't trust God.
nothing else matters when your kid is hurting.
i'm ready to give up.
i'm ready to fight.
how much i need my mom.
how much i need my friends.
how much i love my kid.
how our family can band together.
i'm not over what i thought i was over.
how much more time i should spend in prayer than i currently do.
it hurts when your kids make the same kind of mistakes you did.
grace is unstoppable.
i desperately need someone to share with and my husband just doesn't get it.
i have to write.
god is showing us grace and mercy even when we aren't aware of it.
i am stuck.
i am set free.
you can't kill feelings.
sometimes it's a relief when a friendship ends.
i will probably never be alone in my house without someone else living here.
god has provided my house and i should stop complaining.
mojitos (in the privacy of my own home)as an escape device are not always a wise choice.
oh, and
bathing my 130 pound dog in the bathtub also gives me a bath.

home...

Today I'm giving thanks for the support of family and God's mercy. We are starting to pick up the pieces of a broken,lucky kid who made a terrible decision. Father, give us wisdom and grace today.

Almost to Wichita...

To meet and drive home with our son. Pray for traveling mercies and a good night's sleep for him.

Please pray for our family-

Satan has attacked our oldest son in a way I was never expecting and I don't know if I can bear it. Our hearts are breaking. He is coming home for the summer and leaving his internship. Please pray for God's grace, wisdom, and peace during this time. Please pray for us.

Letter to a friend (Revision #6)

This is the letter I finally settled on giving to my "friend" that I referred to in the "Betrayal" post. I've been sitting on it for quite a while now, editing and re-editing... watering it down and firing it up... and I finally decided on this EWD (Extremely Watered-Down)version. I tried to be gracious but honest... and there were definitely some things that I needed to say to her. I'm trusting God to say all the things that I wanted to that I held back. What do you think?

Dear ***,

I have a few things that I’m finally ready to say, so please read this and hear my heart.

First of all, I haven’t told anyone about anything, and I won’t. I did ask *** (a mutual friend) to check on you and I told her that things had changed with our friendship, but that’s it. It was out of concern for you; I didn’t want you to feel like you were all alone. I also asked her not to even share this with her husband so that as few people knew as possible. This will not get out at church. My sister and I have decided that our parents will never know- we think their health is too fragile and we wouldn’t want to upset them or embarrass you.

Only my husband, ***, and I know (we didn’t tell the worship pastor). My husband told *** because he’s the youth pastor and it was important that he had the information because you’ve worked with youth. Technically, we could get into a lot of trouble for not reporting this, and I pray it never comes back to bite us. Our justification for not reporting you is that this happened between you and our own nephew, and not a child of a family in the church.

I’ve been worried about the relationships you’ve formed with several of the youth for a long time- and we had even talked about it on several occasions- especially when you and your husband were going through your separation. You’ve had intensely close (and now I know inappropriate, with at least one) bonds that go beyond the appropriate sponsor/youth relationship. There are also remarks you’ve made that have really bothered me, whether to a youth or in front of them… but I don’t even want to get into all of that. It seems to me that you’ve been playing with fire for a long time.

I want to encourage you to pick yourself up and take care of yourself right now for the sake of your kids and yourself. You need to get into some Christian counseling as soon as possible and take some steps to get your life back under control; and be honest about what you’ve done, and figure out what’s going on. You need some accountability in your life and someone that can give you godly advice.

I have to say this next thing, and I’ll say it as kindly as possible: things have changed between us. I can no longer be the person that you hang out with, that holds you accountable, or gives you advice. Honestly, I don’t even want to have a face to face conversation about this. I’ve been too angry and have felt betrayed, but I’m working through it, just like I’m working through my feelings/anger towards my nephew. I forgive you, but please know that things are forever changed.

It is my wish that you never contact my nephews again in any way, and not to respond if they contact you, whether via phone, text, or Facebook. Your contact with my son will be limited. Your respecting these few things will make this much easier for me, and for everyone involved.

I know the last thing you want is to hear me saying what you “need” right now… but ***, you need to be in church, whether it’s here or somewhere else, and I think you know this. You need to be there every time the doors are open seeking God’s face and seeking healing. Your kids need to be in church and your husband needs to understand how important this is if he has them on Sundays. They need to be learning they can rely on God during their tough times and see their parents leading by example.

I want to stress that you are truly welcome at our church; I would never ignore you, and of course I will always be kind and friendly.

I also understand if you choose to make a fresh start somewhere else. It might be a great thing to find a church that has a support group for single moms or some kind of divorce care. A larger church like Calvary Chapel might have some of these programs. Whatever you decide, do take care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I believe you can pull this together and have a happy, healthy life- that’s exactly what God wants for you.

You will be in my prayers and thanks for taking the time to read this.