I recently read one of my favorite blogs, Lori Wilhite's Leading and Loving It and it prompted me to look back at some of the things I've learned since we started this journey in 2005... some of it good, some of it is not so good. Although I'm still figuring out how to deal with this role I've been thrust into- it's good to look back and see a little growth and progress. Here are my thoughts so far:
I’m getting used to being introduced as “the pastor’s wife” and also getting used to people thinking I’m their personal counselor (still learning to draw boundries there).
I’m learning I can’t be everywhere and that I can’t make everyone happy. My husband can't make everyone happy. I’m learning that my main job is to support him and be there for my kids.
I’m learning not to take on my husband's stress as my own, and I’m learning that God is big enough to deal with whatever disaster I think is about to end my world or hurt His church.
I’m learning who my friends are and who they aren’t. I'm learning there are levels of friendship and it hurts for a long time when someone steps down a level because they don't understand the pressure of my situation or they are too pressured themselves to have time for anyone else. I’m learning that I can’t be as open as I used to be and that God has graced me with one girlfriend with whom I can be completely honest.
I'm learning that just because someone is in leadership it doesn't make them right. And it doesn't make them smarter or better able to hear God than I am. I'm learning, as wrong as it is, that there are politics in ministry and there are people who want to see you fail when they let their human emotions take over. I'm learning that it isn't my place to fix them or justify myself to them.
I'm learning there is competition between churches and that this hurts God.
I’m learning to speak up when I feel like He is telling me something and to shut up when I get close to putting my foot in my mouth.
I’m learning I don’t have to have a spotless house and that people are pleasantly surprised when they stop by and my living room has been turned upside down by my son and ten of his best friends... that non-perfect and "normal" are good. I am learning that I can’t stop walking my dog just because we’re busy… that she’s going to continue on the path to doggy morbid obesity unless I get us both out of the house every once in a while.
I am learning to let past hurts go and what it feels like when something rolls off your back because you chose to judge favorably rather than assume the worst. I am learning to forgive the deepest of hurts and to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.
I am learning to pray for the people God loves that I don’t. I am learning not to listen to gossip and that serving makes my own personal aches and pains go away.
I am learning to love my husband in a different way... as my pastor. I am learning to absorb the unexpected blessings that God sends to us with grace and thanksgiving.
I am learning to really pray for someone when I say I’m going to pray for them.
Most importantly, I’ve learned that God has us here for a reason… even though it seems completely crazy.
And I’ve definitely learned to laugh and laugh and laugh, mostly at myself.
I am grateful for what God is doing in my life- and things seem a little easier when I look at them in terms of the positive. I am growing and learning and moving forward... even though sometimes I do it kicking and screaming and shaking my tiny fist at a great big God. He is so patient with the likes of me... what amazing grace.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
ahhhhhh
We made it through Hometown Days. My feet are swollen and aching from being on them for the entire weekend... my lupus is flaring... but, at least for me, calm is on the horizon. Our biggest event of the year is over.
For the next few weeks I am going to concentrate on getting better... having a long awaited knee-replacement surgery, and healing body and spirit. Remembering who I was before I hurt all the time, I hope. Learning to walk correctly again- without throwing everything else off-kilter. Ditching the limp. Dutifully going to therapy, and using crutches for as long as my doctor tells me to without cheating. Everyone says, "Oh how sad... 39 is so young for a knee replacement!" But for me, it's time. It represents a new outlook, a new start. Being active again and not dragging behind. Not dreading things. I can't wait.
For the next few weeks I am going to concentrate on getting better... having a long awaited knee-replacement surgery, and healing body and spirit. Remembering who I was before I hurt all the time, I hope. Learning to walk correctly again- without throwing everything else off-kilter. Ditching the limp. Dutifully going to therapy, and using crutches for as long as my doctor tells me to without cheating. Everyone says, "Oh how sad... 39 is so young for a knee replacement!" But for me, it's time. It represents a new outlook, a new start. Being active again and not dragging behind. Not dreading things. I can't wait.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Breathing...
Our first Sunday in the tent on our new property was awesome... things came together perfectly and God was there- we baptized nine people! This Sunday is our last week under the tent and then we are back in the school... but I'm to the point now where the catered meal has been ordered and the stress relating to this event is fading away. We have a worship night this Friday under the tent that I'm looking forward to- a lot of people are camping out and spending the night. Should be fun.
My husband has composed his letter to the editor, and it's classy and Christ-like. Not the letter I would have originally fired off, which shows his wisdom and patience in waiting. Now if I can just get him to actually SEND it. He just doesn't see the need to defend himself. The superintendent had a scheduled meeting with all of the teachers in the district today and spoke about the incident and defended my husband, explaining what was really said and the context of the remark and the conversation. He pretty much cleared his name with all of the staff, which was most important to us.
Our son has been working his tail off and is, at this moment, composing his letter of apology to his cousin and his aunt & uncle. Our yard looks amazing; there are perks to grounding and hard labor- for the parents at least! Best of all, we've had a lot of good talks, and we've seen his heart- which is truly repentant.
And God has kept me sane for yet another week... will miracles never cease? Thank you for your prayers.
My husband has composed his letter to the editor, and it's classy and Christ-like. Not the letter I would have originally fired off, which shows his wisdom and patience in waiting. Now if I can just get him to actually SEND it. He just doesn't see the need to defend himself. The superintendent had a scheduled meeting with all of the teachers in the district today and spoke about the incident and defended my husband, explaining what was really said and the context of the remark and the conversation. He pretty much cleared his name with all of the staff, which was most important to us.
Our son has been working his tail off and is, at this moment, composing his letter of apology to his cousin and his aunt & uncle. Our yard looks amazing; there are perks to grounding and hard labor- for the parents at least! Best of all, we've had a lot of good talks, and we've seen his heart- which is truly repentant.
And God has kept me sane for yet another week... will miracles never cease? Thank you for your prayers.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
things that are Stressing Me Out today...
Alternate Title:
"You Know Things are Bad When You Consider Your Upcoming Knee Replacement Surgery A Vacation..."
1. Hometown Days- Our quaint little town's yearly celebration of the wheat harvest. It's pretty fun- a weekend full of events all over our little town including a parade, lots of free food, fireworks, a town dance, yadda yadda yadda. Our church is having to deal with the county over the erection of the same tent that we've erected the past four years except this time it's on our new property- and having to jump through all kinds of ridiculous hoops and pay ridiculous sums of money to make said county happy. (For instance, we have to have EXIT signs on an open-sided tent- and that's not even one of the dumb ones.) Maybe my husband should wear a sign that says "Pastor" just to make sure people aren't confused. Top that off with two weeks of services under a tent in 90* weather, an extra "Night of Worship" service, and a catered meal and you get stress.
2. Having my husband misquoted in the local paper (circulation 7,000)- Did I mention he's the school board president? And a reporter came to their last meeting and grossly misquoted him, making him look like a total arrogant jerk (which he is NOT). We did not initially respond to the paper to correct the mistake because we were hoping this wouldn't be a big deal and that it would blow over with nothing said about it- and we certainly didn't want to call attention to it if it wasn't necessary. Since our passivity, two letters of complaint against my husband have been written to the school superintendent, who is responding to them individually and defending him- telling them what was really said and in what context. Then this week's paper hosted a lovely Letter to the Editor based upon the original mis-quote, making my husband look even jerkier and calling even more attention to the matter. So now we must respond. And respond in a way that doesn't set off a firestorm of letters to the editor back and forth (which people love in our little town). The pressure of writing a perfect letter to END this that will be read by thousands of people looking for juicy gossip. The pressure of people believing what was written and thinking that attitude represents our church. Dealing with the Mama Bear that has risen up in me that wants to protect my husband and my family in the most vocal of ways- which my husband assures me is not the right way to handle this. Grr.
3. My youngest son- He made a mistake so horrible that it has hurt the whole family. It has hurt us- his parents. He has probably lost the trust, respect and friendship of his cousin because of his actions. He hurt his grandparents, his aunts and uncles. He was a follower- participating in a joke that he had no idea of the ripples it would cause and how far out they would go. We are so angry at him, and ashamed and disappointed, and embarrassed. Of course we still love him... we can just barely stand to look at him at this point. He's doing hard labor at our house right now, and he doesn't know this yet, but he's shoveling out horse and dog kennell stalls all day tomorrow (it's good to have friends with large animals). Then on to another day of hard labor at our house. And we aren't through yet. He's losing his facebook, his myspace, and his texting for a year. He's writing a letter to ask for forgiveness to his cousin, who he hurt so deeply. He's writing a letter of apology to his cousin's parents- his aunt and uncle. It is gonna suck to be him. This hurts because my son is NOT a mean kid. But apparently he's a follower- and he is going to learn the consequences of his actions.
Will you pray for us? My husband and me? Our stress right now is so high and we need to stay on the same team... so far, so good. But I'm feeling overwhelmed and like Charlie Brown's cloud is hanging over our heads and raining directly on us. It has been a rough month. I'll be glad when it's August. sigh.
"You Know Things are Bad When You Consider Your Upcoming Knee Replacement Surgery A Vacation..."
1. Hometown Days- Our quaint little town's yearly celebration of the wheat harvest. It's pretty fun- a weekend full of events all over our little town including a parade, lots of free food, fireworks, a town dance, yadda yadda yadda. Our church is having to deal with the county over the erection of the same tent that we've erected the past four years except this time it's on our new property- and having to jump through all kinds of ridiculous hoops and pay ridiculous sums of money to make said county happy. (For instance, we have to have EXIT signs on an open-sided tent- and that's not even one of the dumb ones.) Maybe my husband should wear a sign that says "Pastor" just to make sure people aren't confused. Top that off with two weeks of services under a tent in 90* weather, an extra "Night of Worship" service, and a catered meal and you get stress.
2. Having my husband misquoted in the local paper (circulation 7,000)- Did I mention he's the school board president? And a reporter came to their last meeting and grossly misquoted him, making him look like a total arrogant jerk (which he is NOT). We did not initially respond to the paper to correct the mistake because we were hoping this wouldn't be a big deal and that it would blow over with nothing said about it- and we certainly didn't want to call attention to it if it wasn't necessary. Since our passivity, two letters of complaint against my husband have been written to the school superintendent, who is responding to them individually and defending him- telling them what was really said and in what context. Then this week's paper hosted a lovely Letter to the Editor based upon the original mis-quote, making my husband look even jerkier and calling even more attention to the matter. So now we must respond. And respond in a way that doesn't set off a firestorm of letters to the editor back and forth (which people love in our little town). The pressure of writing a perfect letter to END this that will be read by thousands of people looking for juicy gossip. The pressure of people believing what was written and thinking that attitude represents our church. Dealing with the Mama Bear that has risen up in me that wants to protect my husband and my family in the most vocal of ways- which my husband assures me is not the right way to handle this. Grr.
3. My youngest son- He made a mistake so horrible that it has hurt the whole family. It has hurt us- his parents. He has probably lost the trust, respect and friendship of his cousin because of his actions. He hurt his grandparents, his aunts and uncles. He was a follower- participating in a joke that he had no idea of the ripples it would cause and how far out they would go. We are so angry at him, and ashamed and disappointed, and embarrassed. Of course we still love him... we can just barely stand to look at him at this point. He's doing hard labor at our house right now, and he doesn't know this yet, but he's shoveling out horse and dog kennell stalls all day tomorrow (it's good to have friends with large animals). Then on to another day of hard labor at our house. And we aren't through yet. He's losing his facebook, his myspace, and his texting for a year. He's writing a letter to ask for forgiveness to his cousin, who he hurt so deeply. He's writing a letter of apology to his cousin's parents- his aunt and uncle. It is gonna suck to be him. This hurts because my son is NOT a mean kid. But apparently he's a follower- and he is going to learn the consequences of his actions.
Will you pray for us? My husband and me? Our stress right now is so high and we need to stay on the same team... so far, so good. But I'm feeling overwhelmed and like Charlie Brown's cloud is hanging over our heads and raining directly on us. It has been a rough month. I'll be glad when it's August. sigh.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Are you In or Out?
Heard an interesting thought today- many churches (and many of us) are stuck living "in" our faith rather than living "out" our faith.
It's easy to not reach out, to stay comfortable where we're at with our group of Christian friends. It's not so easy to look for the rejects of society- the ones that no one else is going to bring to Jesus. It makes me understand why one active group of people who who seem to be bringing in the "rejects" at our church are the new Christians- because they are their friends and part of their lives. And it is awesome to see.
We're all rejects... all damaged in one way or another. I know I am. God, give me the desire to "out" myself... even when I don't feel like it.
It's easy to not reach out, to stay comfortable where we're at with our group of Christian friends. It's not so easy to look for the rejects of society- the ones that no one else is going to bring to Jesus. It makes me understand why one active group of people who who seem to be bringing in the "rejects" at our church are the new Christians- because they are their friends and part of their lives. And it is awesome to see.
We're all rejects... all damaged in one way or another. I know I am. God, give me the desire to "out" myself... even when I don't feel like it.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
minus one.
I probably lost a friend today because I was honest with her about her behavior; what I said was Godly and true. I cried. She cried. And there are more discussions that have to come with her that I'm dreading. At the very least our relationship is forever changed.
Apart from my husband as a confidant, I have one female friend I feel I can be mostly open with. She has now shown me who she really is in a pretty hurtful way. So I forgive, move on, and withdraw that part of myself. Another light and fluffy friendship... just what I needed. Like most pastor's wives, I have hundreds of those. Someone told me I needed a peer for a friend... another pw from a different church who would understand my position because they are living it too. That just doesn't happen out here where all the churches view each other as competition.
Most human relationships suck. That is my epiphany for the day. Those humans let you down. Not that I haven't ever let anyone down myself... but I am tired of reaching so earnestly for friendship and realizing that people are...people. I know no one is perfect... I don't want perfection... I just want someone I can really trust and be a friend to that loves me enough to be my friend all the time... and not for any particular reason... but just because I'm me.
My husband changed professions and became a pastor and I have never felt so alone.
This can't be what God wants for me: to be the life of the party, always smiling and welcoming, opening my home, the extrovert at church (when in truth, I'm an introvert- a happy clam in my shell), the constant counselor, the supporter, the organizer, the diffuser, the protector of my husband's time and sanity- without a support system I can lean on?
Does God know I have no idea what I'm doing(sounding a little Moses-y here)?
As much as I try protect my husband from some of my angst and dissatisfaction (he has enough to deal with)... I find myself withdrawing and bottling things up more and more. And more than a little angry at this isolation that has entered my life that wasn't there before we made the jump into full time ministry.
Going with the Moses analogy, I don't feel qualified and I'm in the desert pretty much against my will. There was a point for the Israelites, and I know God is faithful and there is a point for me. I just have to figure out what it is. God give me the grace to be patient.
Apart from my husband as a confidant, I have one female friend I feel I can be mostly open with. She has now shown me who she really is in a pretty hurtful way. So I forgive, move on, and withdraw that part of myself. Another light and fluffy friendship... just what I needed. Like most pastor's wives, I have hundreds of those. Someone told me I needed a peer for a friend... another pw from a different church who would understand my position because they are living it too. That just doesn't happen out here where all the churches view each other as competition.
Most human relationships suck. That is my epiphany for the day. Those humans let you down. Not that I haven't ever let anyone down myself... but I am tired of reaching so earnestly for friendship and realizing that people are...people. I know no one is perfect... I don't want perfection... I just want someone I can really trust and be a friend to that loves me enough to be my friend all the time... and not for any particular reason... but just because I'm me.
My husband changed professions and became a pastor and I have never felt so alone.
This can't be what God wants for me: to be the life of the party, always smiling and welcoming, opening my home, the extrovert at church (when in truth, I'm an introvert- a happy clam in my shell), the constant counselor, the supporter, the organizer, the diffuser, the protector of my husband's time and sanity- without a support system I can lean on?
Does God know I have no idea what I'm doing(sounding a little Moses-y here)?
As much as I try protect my husband from some of my angst and dissatisfaction (he has enough to deal with)... I find myself withdrawing and bottling things up more and more. And more than a little angry at this isolation that has entered my life that wasn't there before we made the jump into full time ministry.
Going with the Moses analogy, I don't feel qualified and I'm in the desert pretty much against my will. There was a point for the Israelites, and I know God is faithful and there is a point for me. I just have to figure out what it is. God give me the grace to be patient.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Fuh-rus-ter-ated.
That's it. My inner southern belle came out- I just took a three syllable word and made it five syllables. This is bad. Buh-aaa-d. Oops. Did it again.
I am frustrated with just about every relationship in my life. I'm the only common denominator... and with my southern belle logic I know that means that it's everyone else's fault. They are all crazy.
Why are there so many crazy people in my life? Because it
couldn't
be
me.
I am frustrated with just about every relationship in my life. I'm the only common denominator... and with my southern belle logic I know that means that it's everyone else's fault. They are all crazy.
Why are there so many crazy people in my life? Because it
couldn't
be
me.
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