a(squared) + b(squared) = c(squared)

Ah-hem... It is 2:01 am. Here is the solution to the above formula:

a(squared) = Husband slips under the covers at about 12:30 am and robustly dutch-ovens his harmless, sleeping wife.

b(squared)= Wife wakes up, gasping for breath with the husband laughing uncontrollably asking, "Were you sound asleep?" After several minutes of bed-shaking laughter, the husband quiets down and immediately sleeps like a baby. Wife cannot go back to sleep and lays in bed getting angrier and angrier at the discourtesy that was unjustly paid to her.

c(squared)= Angry wife seeks revenge at 2 am by blogging about husband's earlier activities. She only wishes she were a reporter for the local paper. Will have to settle for the world wide web. Would love to put this anecdote in the church bulletin this week asking, "Can you believe this guy is your PASTOR?"

How did I not know this?

My husband has a really sick sense of humor and our youth pastor is encouraging it to blossom out of control.

They are out shooting prairie dogs as we speak. Notice that I don't say poor, defenseless prairie dogs like I would say if I were speaking about baby deer or other such specimens of cuteness. I do not have strong sympathy for the small dog of the prairie; they hurt our farmers out here and there is no love loss between the farmer and the prairie dog. I simply pick people over vermin.

Anywho- our men's ministry is hosting it's second annual Wild Game Feast and Sportsman's Competition. This is the event where they get together with several other churches in Colorado and make much of being a man. Lots of manly grunting surely must take place. They have two-man log sawing competitions, ax-throwing contests, some kind of knock-the-other-guy-off-the-log competition, and exotic game meat to sample. In the past they've had the usual deer and elk along with buffalo, rattlesnake, ostrich, bear, antelope, and this year... prairie dog... courtesy of my husband and the youth pastor. Here's how our conversation went:

Him (looking like a little kid): Guess what? Farmer Boyd is letting us onto his property to shoot prairie dogs! He says we can shoot as many as we want- he really needs to get rid of them! We're making prairie dog stew for the Wild Game feast!

Me (casually): Huh. Don't prairie dogs carry the bubonic plague?

Him (thinking quickly on his feet): Don't worry! We'll just cook it extra long! It'll boil right out.

Me: You're going to boil out the bubonic plague?

Him: Yeah. You got a good stew recipe?

And this is the point where I was my hands of this. Any outbreaks of bubonic plague or other such illnesses, no matter which orifice they choose to make their exit from... even if such exit is from a point of origin within my own husband... my hands are clean and will remain as such.

Should I call Church Mutual Insurance... just to give them a heads up?

Things that made me happy today-

1. New pajamas.
2. The beautiful weather.
3. Being honest with my husband about something I'd never told him before.
4. The song "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse.
5. Seeing my 13 year old son work diligently on the guitar he is building.
6. My dog being happy to see me after I was gone all day.
7. Helping my son who is away at college with a girl problem.
8. Hearing from my 6th grade boyfriend on Facebook, laughing at ourselves and reminiscing, and
then finding out that he's a Christian too!
9. Not having to go to the office today.
10. and, coming up shortly... going to bed before 10 pm. :)

gulp... ww..wo..wommm...wwomenns mminnnistry

Ok, I did it. I've avoided it like the plague- and fought against it because everyone expected me to do it... and I rebelled as long as humanly possible- let's see- for over 3 years now. I even ditched Women of Faith (GASP!). As you can see from the title... I'm wary of women's ministry. I have been way overexposed to tea parties, lace, and the whiny, support-group atmosphere that can erupt from thin air in one sniffle of a nose or from one tear-laden eyelash.

Not that tea parties are bad (in England), and I find lace entirely acceptable (on feminine handkerchiefs and wedding dresses). And hey- I am ALL for girlfriends. During one particularly difficult time in my life not too long ago... my most excellent girlfriend was all that I had... and I'm certain that she listened to me drone on incessantly about all the problems in my life as we walked together three days each week. I have been subjected to more corny games than I can count, and invited to more "please come buy some stuff so I can get some free stuff" parties (candles, jewelry, home furnishings... just to name a few) that try to pass themselves off as ministry events because everyone from the ministry is invited and expected to attend or else you're a horrible, horrible person... and I got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. Man, I hate those parties. Whoever invented them should be dragged to a small room and forced to buy things that they don't really want, are not worth the price, and that they absolutely can't afford. And then they should be put on the spot over and over again until they cave in and give a party of their own and make all of their friends just as uncomfortable as they were made to feel. But, I digress.

I've been feeling for a while that it was time to move on from being a youth group sponsor and focus on the area our church really needs to work on... the women's ministry. I started feeling guilty because I knew I was no longer needed in the youth department- they've been rocking for a while now. I even went out and got a tattoo to remind myself of how rebellious I was and that women's ministry was just not my thing. Don't worry- it's just a little butterfly on my shoulder- not a tramp stamp that says "I hate women's ministry" in really gothic, swirly writing across the top of my bum (that would be totally funny though- can you have temporary tattoos printed?).

I know, I'm really sarcastic and on the verge of offending those who hold Women's Ministry near and dear to their hearts. I'm sorry. I do love women and I care deeply for their spiritual growth and for them as people... as my friends. And I'm not as immature as I sound. This is a vent blog, remember? Don't worry, because God has been working on me.

I started my Bible study two weeks ago. It was obviously a need in our church because almost 30 women showed up. There were so many of us we had to divide into small groups and meet in areas all over my house. I had to leave my group to get something from the kitchen last night and I heard peals of laughter from every corner of my home. It made me smile. Friendships are forming and women are sharing and giving. Women who felt all alone are connecting. Ministry among women is happening. And I'm really enjoying it. Yeah, there's the difficult one who interrupts everyone and tells story after story about things that don't relate AT ALL to what it is we're talking about. But there's also the one who got hurt at her last church and is scared to trust again, and the one who's husband just left her, and the one who struggles with an autistic child. Maybe the key for me is to see the individuals that I can love- away from all the fluff that can be women's ministry- and appreciate them for who they are, where they've been, and where they're going.

I think I can handle that.

It's Saturday... 9:59 am-

and I should not be working in the church office today. (Just thought I'd point that out.) Sigh.

Dear Mr. Anonymous,

Thank you for your truly inspired comments on our info cards last Sunday. They revealed several things to me.

First of all, I realize that you are not involved in our body, because you are not aware of the things that happen behind the scenes (and even not-so-behind the scenes)- the calling, the hospital visits, the notes, the personal contacts during the week and on Sundays. You are not aware of what goes into my husband's 40-60 hour work week, or my 40-50 hour work week.

Second, you said things just to hurt us. Therefore, I realize that you are not presenting a list of issues that are near and dear to your heart, and you aren't really trying to "improve" us. You don't really want us to pray about these things... you just want to stir up trouble. Good luck with that. Um, you are messing with someone a lot bigger than you...

Third, God is in control of this church- not you- and so I'm not going to take your snarky comments personally or spend any time worrying about them. If God lets us know through valid means that there's something we need to work on, then we will kill ourselves to accomplish it. I'm not going to let you take my eyes off the game here because you are not being catered to.

Lastly, I realize how cowardly anonymous comments are. It's easy to be mean in secret. We invite you to come forward and discuss your "concerns" openly, honestly, and in love. We would love to answer your accusations and discuss how we might be able to improve the way we do things- we are completely open to that as servants of Christ.

While we won't be holding our breath, we'll leave the back door open.

allow me an emo moment...

I'm not usually one to post words to a song, but this one really touched me. It is my prayer as I start the new year with new resolve not to be a big fat whiny baby (see previous post). You should totally buy it for your ipod or other portable encouragement device!

The Storm

Lifehouse/Who We Are

how long have I been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see You

everything will be alright

if I'd see You

this darkness will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and You will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into Your eyes

I know everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

I know You didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see You

everything would be alright

if I’d see You

this darkness would turn to light

and I will walk on water

and You will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into Your eyes

I know everything will be alright

everything's alright.