Bondage

What's holding you captive? I'm just wrapping up the first week of the updated Beth Moore study "Breaking Free." So far, of course, it's amazing... and I have a small group of women I love and respect that are participating.

I've never really thought of myself as being in bondage to anything, but the deeper I get into the study... the more I think I'll be re-evaluating that self-assessment. I guess there is one major thing that I can name right off the get-go; the first one is most important, and I'm just going to think about it today. It's Resentment.

1. There are a lot of things I've resented... but the biggie is that God put Hubby and I into the role of pastor & wife. Selfish, I know. And even ridiculous, because, after praying about it for two years... I am the one that told him we'd never be happy unless we followed God's calling on his life and we needed to make the jump into full time ministry. I meant it when I said it. But I was in no way prepared for the toll this would take on our family time, the stress it would add to our lives, and the way it would decimate our schedule. Then there's the fact that we gave up a very comfortable paycheck for the uncertainty of an income reliant on people giving to the church. Don't even get me started on the people who feel they right to say anything at all to you (or your family) since they "pay your salary."

So, being in ministry has resulted in me having to trust God for my daily bread and not be as selfish with my personal and family time. Those are both good things, right?

Summarizing: I'm a control freak. I try to be a very kind control freak... but there it is none-the-less. I'm not in control. I hate that. I'm selfish too... and I resent things (unplanned counseling sessions, too many meetings) that constantly encroach on my family time. (Would a better managed schedule, both for myself and my husband, work in this area? Marking off sacred time together?)

Lesson One: I must let go of my need for control and work on eliminating selfishness. How do you kill selfishness where your personal and family time is concerned?

2. I dearly love my in-laws, but I'm resentful that they have now been living with us for over a year. We get along great and on the surface, things are peachy. But to my knowledge, they have no plan to do anything but live with their three kids (mostly us) for the rest of their lives. They haven't come out and said that... but let's just say... there are no plans or talk of moving. They do not pay rent. They are in bankrupsy, both personal and business. They give us money on occasion, probably $2,000 for the year they've lived with us (or almost 1 month's mortgage for us). They buy groceries on occasion, but rarely cook. They have a nice set-up in our basement (fridge, microwave, their own bathroom, a nice bedroom, the good tv), but stay upstairs (in my part of the house) about 12 hours a day... so I have no personal time with my family. My father in law has started yet another business- in my garage- and his plans for moving out of my garage include moving into rented space right next to our church offices. So, not only do I have the joy of living with him, but also seeing him at work every day- he will be popping in frequently, I'm certain. I'm stuck with trying hard not to complain to my husband and put him in the middle. It's HARD. My mother in law has changed all my cooking utensils; they were old, but I liked them. She's re-arranged my kitchen drawers. I can no longer find my spatulas. Ever. Oh, and I'm resentful that my husband's brother and sister do not send us any assistance- that the entire burden is on us.

Lesson two: I really have no idea. Compassion? Sympathy? Patience? Whatever the lesson is... I hope I learn it FAST. Wait, that wasn't patient at all, was it? sigh.

I know I sound like... I'm just going to say it because it's the best word for it... a bitch. I really am a nice person, and I promise that no one, either in our congregation or in my home, knows that I have these feelings of resentment. I am an excellent Southern Belle, and polite to a fault... which is why I tend to bottle up things like anger and resentment... because they aren't pretty.

Listen, I don't want to turn into this complaining, unhappy, bitter old woman; I want to love my life. I will fight for that- because I know, ultimately, that being where God wants you to be is where it's at.

I love my Jesus, and I'm thankful for where He's brought us and all that He's done in our lives... in my life. I am committed to doing this right, for His glory... so maybe part of moving towards that is naming the things that I'm struggling with and evaluating them. Admitting. Learning. Growing. Moving forward.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Back & A Question?!

I'm back. Wrote a 50,000 word novel in November; still haven't finished it. Regardless, Nanowrimo.org says I'm a WINNER. :)

I'm feeling bad for my husband right now- He's had a horrible week of person after person sucking the life out of him, and one of them was loaded for bear. It's hard to have the love we're supposed to when people are attacking your family.

Ok, so... here's my question: How much of a pastor's life experiences/sermon illustrations belong to him?

Specifically: a woman who doesn't go to our church wrote me a very nasty (and uninformed) letter criticizing a recent trip I took to New York, calling me worldly, etc... I journaled my trip on Facebook and apparently it got under her skin. She attacked out of the blue. For the Full Monty, read the previous post. :)

My husband had just started a series on "Difficult People" and the final week was on the "overly critical person". Four weeks after it occurred, he mentioned this letter I got as an example of when it was right to answer a mis-informed person's criticism. He did not mention any names and I hadn't told anyone about the letter she sent me. The only people who knew about it were me, my husband, and this woman.

Her sister attends our church (the letter writer does not and is a "friend" of the family), but we had no idea that she knew about the letter; in fact, I had a couple of conversations with her sister asking me all about my trip and excited to hear about it. Because of these conversations, I assumed she knew nothing.

So hubby mentions that I get this letter of criticism, reads a couple of lines from it and said that I answered her concerns because she didn't have the correct info (the trip was a gift; I wasn't out spending extravagantly, etc... not that it's any of her business). Apparently, her sister DID know about the letter and this family is angry that hubby used the letter as an example, even though he gave away no identifying info whatsoever.

Here's what I think, but I may be too close to the situation to see clearly.

The moment she sent me that letter (via Facebook, no less)it became my property. The letter was greatly upsetting to me and I shared it with my husband. A month later, a life experience of ours (this lovely letter) happened to fit perfectly as an illustration into a message series that had been planned since January.

Hubby shared it in a way in which no one was implicated, and it was ok to do so because the writer didn't even attend our church. Had his sharing been with the intent to cause a stir or make her look bad, he could have made it clear who wrote the letter. That was never the intent.

I honestly don't think we/hubby did anything wrong- or anything that would displease God. We've prayed about this and asked the Holy Spirit to convict us if we needed to apologize for anything... and so far, a couple of weeks later, neither of us do. But, wonderful man that he is, hubby is still going to contact the family and try to make things right.

I also believe that had I not been a "Pastor's Wife" (insert angels singing in the background here) I would have never received a letter like this in the first place. It would have been ok to take an expensive trip, blow enormous amounts of money, journal it on Facebook, and brag to all my friends about it.

Thoughts? I'd be interested to know your honest opinion...

Taking a month-

I'll be back. Prayers appreciated.

Vacation Week: Temporary Sanity Regained

Had a great week in New York with a girlfriend. I loved it and now am considering adding it to my list of places to run away to. We flew in Monday morning and came back home Friday night. It was wonderful- a week away without church stress (almost).

I say almost because I got a nasty-gram on Friday morning via Facebook. I had a 15-minute time span where I let it ruin my trip, and then I decided that I wasn't going to do that. That this stupid person wasn't going to take this week away from me. As a preface, all through the week I journaled our activities on Facebook. Lots of friends and family were following. I posted tons of pics and comments, and got a lot of comments back. It was all lighthearted and humorous- a look at NYC through my eyes, chronicling our trip to the Empire State Building, The Statue of Liberty, our dining experiences, window shopping at Tiffany's, and a Broadway Play. Then the following appeared in my message in-box on Friday morning:

Dear A: Just a thought here. Would like to let you know why I am removing you as a friend on FB. The posts about your lavish spending and extravagant outings, is leaving a gross taste in my mouth. Personally, I don't need to know about every detail about your jaunt to NY. What was probably most disturbing was your comment about sweet baby Jesus in regard to a cheesecake you were eyeing. I feel that the message you are portraying is that it is OK to have an appetite for worldly pleasures. Please consider my opinion as a former youth group student of yours.
Respectfully, M.

I was stunned, hurt and upset. I would just like to point out that had I ANY profession other than a pastor's wife, I would never have received this criticism. Life in the fishbowl. Journaling on FB like I did is something I would have done whether I was a pw or not. The only thing I can see as a fair criticism was that I quoted a line from a Will Ferrell movie and used the term "sweet baby Jesus in a manger" after tasting the most incredible piece of cheesecake I'd ever had. I wasn't swearing (it was an over-exaggerated "awesome!")- merely comparing two wonderful (albeit inequal) things. So, though I don't agree with her assessment on that point, I can see her side. I should probably be more careful about what I throw out there. But the rest... not so much.

So here's how I replied: Thanks for your thoughts, M- I'm really sorry that anything I said offended you. As for the lavish spending, the friend that brought me to New York has paid for everything- hotel, food, and airfare as a gift because god has blessed her financially. So the "lavish spending and extravagant outings" are certainly not as they appear to you. Sometimes god blesses us by putting people in our lives who can bless us. And that's what my friend Brenda has done for me- blessing me with a once in a lifetime trip that I could have never afforded in a hundred years. As for the frequent postings, it's my way of journaling the trip on the go. Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm not boasting- just sharing my joy and excitement with friends and family who are following and happy that I've been given this opportunity. It's not a sin to have fun and enjoy and remember things- or to share them with others- especially those who are interested. I will admit that your judgemental assumptions are hurtful. I'm not going to get into a back-and-forth exchange on this subject, so thanks for sharing your thoughts and I feel that I've said all I want to say as well. Sincerely, A.

I wanted to drop a little Matthew 7:1 on her... but I decided not to preach and to rise above.

I felt better after I sent my reply... but the whole situation just sucks. As strongly as I feel that I've done nothing wrong, this reinforces to me that everything we in the ministry do and say is watched. Some are watching out of admiration; some are watching and waiting for us to trip up. Should I have not journaled on FB? I don't think God wants me to change who I am- and that was (and is) who I am; I share the good things in my life. This whole thing makes me angry, but again, I'm getting better and better at letting things roll off my back. It just stinks that that's part of my job description.

My wit's end...

I just felt my blood pressure rise about 100 points. I am so stressed with my job- which has amounted to managing the money at the church along with the other secretarial duties. Coming into a building project has blown the financial end of things into major proportions for me- and amplified how un-qualified I feel for this position.

We're at that office on a Saturday night putting together a presentation for our 5th anniversary since we launched and going over figures and tracing donations, etc...I really don't feel like I can take much more of this. I have a headache, my heart is hammering- this sucks. And I suck at it.

I have James 1:5 tacked to my bulletin board over my desk: "God is always ready to give us abundant wisdom when we ask for the right reasons." I don't know a right-er reason than this... finances have never been my forte... and I'm scared to death I'm going to screw something up.

Jesus, please either make me smarter, or rescue me from these numbers- I don't care which you do, but I can't go on like this. I am begging for rescue. I hate my job but we desperately need my salary. Please help me.

My head is spinning...

I've admitted it before- I am a "fixer". And I don't know whether something I did is me circumventing God and trying to "fix" something myself, or if it's a step of faith he's leading me in. How do you tell the difference? For me, I have decided to just do it and pray for God to open and close doors.

I'm talking about getting a different job- I filled out an application at Children's Hospital online at 1am last night- and yes, it was stress-induced. There are a couple of issues that led to this reach for another position.

First of all, I've been thinking about it. Handling the money here at our church stresses me out to the max. It has been a rough summer financially with lots of money outgoing. About 33K on a mission trip, 12K on our summer outreach, and recently, about 2K on different kid's curriculum. We've had trouble making payroll more than once. People are excited about the building fund and giving to that- which is amazing... but our general (operating) fund has been running frighteningly close to empty. I hate knowing who gives and who doesn't. Which elders and other leaders most likely aren't tithing, and things like that. I'm tired of knowing everything about everyone. All their dirty laundry... I'm tired of not being protected from knowing everything my husband has to deal with. We are now, in the midst of trying to recover from a rough summer, trying to put together financials for a building project. More Stress. I am not an accountant. I had panic attacks during the 5th grade when we had to take timed multiplication tests. Seriously. And I've mentioned before that I think I might be a better, more caring PW if I wasn't involved in the day-to-day running of the church and all the stress that goes with it. I could just support my husband and find my own ministry.

So, I've kind of had my eye out for a different job. One I could go and do... and then come home without bringing it with me. Currently I work with my husband forty-plus hours a week, and most of the time at home our thoughts and discussions are church related. How can we not bring it home with us when there are elder meetings, health team meetings, leadership team meetings, women's ministry meetings, bible studies, prayer requests, counseling requests, complaints, suggestions... and so on and so forth. Our house is constantly "open" to whoever needs us because there are only four staff members, and one of them lives too far out to handle emergencies. The other is our youth pastor who takes care of all the youth and children's stuff... leaving my husband and me with about 350 adults to tend. So, that was issue number one: I've already been thinking about it.

Issue number two is our youth pastor and his young family. He's been with us a couple of years now, and they have since had a baby. His parents helped them buy a forclosure home when they moved out here and they are not living out of their price range. But they aren't getting paid enough- like- really. My husband knows it, the elders know it, and they've been trying really hard to make it-without complaining. But I think they're reaching the point where they can't do it anymore. He's had the 2% increase yearly, but with a complicated birth and high hospital bills and several other issues...they are really struggling. He recently gave his home budget to my husband (who took it to the elder's mtg. last night) to show him how they spend their money, show that they weren't wasting it, and show their monthly shortfall, which is over 1K a month. I feel so bad for them. Granted, neither my husband or I have accepted a raise since this church launched... but we are making it, though things are tight. I'm afraid we are going to lose them. They are such a good fit here, the chemistry is great, everyone loves them... and I know he's already been approached once by another church and has turned it down because he wants to stay here.

My husband went to the elders meeting, shared all the needs, including a raise for the YP, talked about the awesome giving for the building fund and all the great things happening with the building project, and then got to the nightmare of our general fund which hasn't recovered from the summer yet. The elder's response: how can we give him a raise when we're struggling to make payroll? This led to a whole other discussion/disagreement with my husband about whether elders should make decisions based on finances or not- and whether they should even see them- I'll discuss that in a different post. Anyway, kick in my desire to fix things. So I'm trolling for jobs online last night because I can't sleep.

I fond one that might work for a variety of reasons- including getting my son to school and back (he goes to a charter school in town and we drive 144 miles a day getting him there and back five days a week). Also, it's in an environment I think I'd like. And it seems like a job I could do and then blissfully go home and leave it there. Honestly, it's probably customer service/data entry kind of stuff. Nothing spectacular, probably a little boring, but after what this past year has been like... I'm totally cool with that. So, sandwiched between my snoring husband in the bed and the snoring dog on the floor... I apply for this job, cover letter, resume and all. Without talking to him about it. Which probably isn't going to go over so well. But my reasoning is: I'm guessing that about 500 other people have applied for this position and I probably won't get a call in the first place... and if they do call, I interview and am offered a job, I can always say NO based on my husband's input. He wants me to stay at the church office, by the way... he LIKES working with me- he just wants me to be able to ditch the financial end of things, thereby (he thinks) ending all my job-related stress. I don't think that's going to fix the stress factor for me.

Are you wondering how I think this is going to "fix" things for our youth pastor and his family? Basically, I think I'm overpaid. I'm a little ashamed to admit it. I'm paid 30K to run the office and do all that I do. They could hire someone who actually has a gift for finances and does all the things I do for 20 to 22K-and then have money in the budget for an increase for our YP. Oh, and I wouldn't have the stress of my job here at the church.

I hit the final "apply for job" button around 1:20am with a prayer that God would open and close the doors that were right for us. And that my husband won't kill me (I'm going to wait for a little while to tell him, I think). And that I'm doing this for the right reasons... that it was God's prompting that I even discovered the job in the first place... or that at the very least it opens my husband's eyes to my desperation. I don't know what's righ. I don't know what God wants for me. I don't even know if I did this with the right motivation. But I'm praying that God can take what I did and reveal what he wants FROM me and FOR me.

What do you think about all of this? My head is spinning and I would appreciate your prayers and your honesty (if anyone has any thoughts). You can even reply privately at justafishinabowl(at)gmail(dot)com. (I don't want any spammers!) :) Blessings to you all.

Hubby's first manifesto letter received...

Apparently my husband's message ticked off one of our EGR's (extra grace required) last week. Granted it was someone obsessed with politics who has Aspberger's Syndrome... but he threatened my husband and accused him of "brainwashing" the congregation when he stated that no mater what your feelings about Obama are, you shoud honor the Office of the President, and, whether we like it or not, he is our President. In his message he also stressed that respect is earned and honor is given. This guy fixates on things and right now, he's a Glenn Beck fanatic and Tea Party activist, as far as he is socially able to participate. He's in his mid-late 20's and cannot live without supervision (still lives at home) and isn't allowed to drive, on tons of meds for different disorders.

In a way, it's kind of funny... and my husband in no way feels physically threatened by this guy... but he IS the kind of guy who you could see coming in and shooting up a church and feeling very justified.

Here's some of what he said:

"This is the very first sermon where you actually said something that personally traumatized me with anger and total upset. Even because of how I felt like you were trying to brainwash everybody."

"It really offended me that you pointed out that you believed that all authorities need honor, including parents, no matter what kind you have, including no matter what kind of authorities that we have."

"there is nothing you will say that you will brainwash me into believing this whole honor part and spreading that word. My parents got brainwashed a little bit by it, by the look of it so far, and if it keeps doing so, then you are going to get even bigger trouble coming your way from me."

"I don't want you to ever again preach another sermon about honor like this one you did. I don't want a lot of Conservatives on our side who we know that go there [to our church] brainwashed into any of the idea."

"I don't think the fifth commandment is literal. As all of us being Christian Conservatives who agrees on all of the Founding stuff, you were out of line to say that we should honor this president, because the truth is that our current one stinks to high Heaven, who is the first anti-American president, and that in many other cases, is the worst one we've had yet. So, that's the last thing I ever want to hear coming from even a preacher."

and finally...
"As for God's love, compared to ours, even though it is infinite to our imagination, we can't grasp how deep God's love is, but I am sure that one of His infinitely measured loves is not what any of us would call "unconditional love". What that means is where ones loves the most unsuccessful trailer park trash God-rebelling people the same way that we do the most strongly middle and high classed and historical God following Christians. Like the ones follow the narrow path the straighest. Like, where we feel like every single good and bad person has to be loved at the equal level. And I don't believe in that at all. Whether or not you do."

So, for me, who has always been a little wary of this guy... it's a little stressful. Even though I know he doesn't have the capability to drive himself to our house and has to ride to church with his parents. It's just unnerving.

My husband is going to speak with his father on the best way to addres this with him (I suggested he forward the letter to the guy's dad)- and then go from there. There were nothing but good comments on Sunday's message and everything he said was Biblical... this is just one crazy person. It's just that sometimes that's all it takes. Praying protection over my husband today. :)